My problem with pronouns: he/she, they/them, why?/when?

“They” was Merriam-Webster’s 2019 word of the year.

More and more colleagues have been sharing their pronouns in their email signature — and on their LinkedIn profiles — in order to show openness to non-binary, genderqueer or gender-diverse colleagues, clients and business partners. 

Inclusive Language Guidelines at Zalando encourage us to share our pronouns: “Proactively sharing your pronouns with others normalizes the practice and creates a space where others feel more comfortable to do so as well.”

I appreciate the sentiment. I understand that it may be easier to share that you’d rather go by “they” or “ze” if others proactively share that they go by “she” or “he”.

I share the motivation to create a safe space at work for a wider range of gender identities. Diverse teams drive better business results. Building an inclusive culture is a prerequisite for attracting and retaining diverse talent.  Furthermore, inclusion is a key factor in making us all feel psychologically safe and thus more effective and productive at work. 

I get it — with both my head and heart.

However, I have hesitated for a long time to share my own pronouns. 

After decades of being called “he” and “him”, I’m used to it. For a long time I never questioned it. But I never chose it and — when I take time to reflect — I’m not sure I like it. I don’t want to put a label on myself.

Wary of labels

I don’t like the clarity of naming a preferred pronoun; I’m accustomed to a little confusion. When I was a child, adults would semi-often mistake me for a girl. I’m not sure why; maybe because I inherited my mom’s wavy hair. As a teenager I started wearing my hair long which also led to occasional confusion. (Interestingly, I now get to observe this from a new angle. My 12-year-old son has long hair; it’s been interesting to observe the evolution of his reactions to frequent misunderstandings.)

For some Germans, my name — “Jay” — is gender-ambiguous. So here in Berlin I sometimes get addressed on the phone or in writing as Frau Kaufmann. That’s fun. I like being a little outside the lines of people’s expectations.

Though I was born with the apparatus, I don’t feel like your typical “man”. Likely we are all, in some way, non-typical. Perhaps no one really fits — or wants to identify with — a stereotype. But I notice that I’m shy even of the whole “man/men” category.

Although I want to own up to the masculine aspects of myself, I don’t want to put them front and center. Although I want to acknowledge the privilege my perceived gender identity gives me, I don’t want to carry it as a badge. 

I’m wary of confining myself into “he/him”.

In between

At any rate, I like the space in between.

I feel a tiny bit genderqueer but not enough to go wearing it around as a label. I’m nervous about asking people to use “they/them” pronouns with me. I feel like they’re not meant for me. That I would be an imposter.

At the same time, I’m “they-curious”.

Training inclusion

I got a little personal there. But this shouldn’t be about me. 

As a privileged, white, Y-chromosome person my main concern is (or at least should be) to give support and voice to others. I want to train my own writing and speaking in order to foster a welcoming atmosphere for colleagues with diverse gender identities. I want to stand beside and support people who can bring in perspectives that are more diverse than my own.

In December 2019, I prototyped playing with pronouns — practicing using “they/them” for everyone by default. For Pride 2020 I’m picking that up again. 

As part of that, I’m also asking those at work to call me “they/them” for a time. A way to still resist being put into the box. But in general, anyone is free to call me they, ze, he, she, ey — any pronoun they like.

Open to anything

Supposedly most people do have preferred gender pronouns. But for me at the end of the day — at this moment in time — I don’t care much which pronouns you use for me.

I felt I should finally update my LinkedIn profile. So I did. 

I couldn’t resist the fun of adding even “she/her” to the list of pronouns you can use with me — not to disrespect those who identify as women, but with a coy smile out of the joy that bubbled up. It was fun feeling the feminine in myself as I considered following the guidance of my inner clown (or my inner child) to provoke and play.

Feel free to mix it up with me.

I may continue to play. I know it’s an enormous privilege. I hope not to offend. I hope this might in some small way provide visibility to those who struggle, to those who are oppressed by the micro-aggression of being misidentified by pronouns. (But I’m open to critique and learning — let me know how this comes across!)

Opportunity

The headline provocatively said “my problem with pronouns”, but really this is our opportunity. If we can collectively create inclusive workplaces, we’ll all benefit.

// “Abolish gender” photo by Kristofher Mu?oz (CC BY 2.0). Graffiti artist unknown.

Recommended reading

Introductions to the topic:

• Pronouns 101, by the University of Michigan LBGT Resource Center. A nice, succinct introduction to pronouns.
• Gender: A Graphic Guide, book by Meg-John Barker and Jules Scheele. Only one page specifically about pronouns, but a nice illustrative condensation of the full spectrum of gender studies.

After writing but before publishing this personal account, I found these articles by academics (a.k.a. people who know a lot more about this) that made me think further:

• The Problem With Pronouns, by Rachel N. Levin. The good intentions behind the “share your pronouns” movement can backfire. “Questions about pronoun use can be painful to the very people to whom we are trying to signal support.”
• No, You Can’t Have My Pronouns!, by M. J. Murphy. It resonated with me that M.J. typically says “Use whatever pronouns you want”. I found it reassuring that someone else resists, and a thoughtful challenge to consider that requests for pronouns may be “a form of social coercion that only masquerades as inclusion” since “increasingly we understand gender as more of an ongoing, lifelong process”.
• Why We Should All Use They/Them Pronouns, by Abigail C. Saguy and Juliet A. Williams. “Using gendered identifiers, even if we get to choose our own, can reinforce bias and discrimination”. After pondering this, my next post might not be so open. Maybe I’ll advocate, too, for all of us to default to gender neutrality all the time.

What additional resources would you recommend to me (and others who are struggling to build gender-inclusive work environments)?