My predictions for 2017

Predictions for 2017

CRN UK recently asked their readers to sum up 2016 in one word. The majority went with “change” or “unpredictable” or “turbulent” – or a selection of synonyms thereof. My offering was “untrumpable”, mostly in reflection but more in hope. Surely the events of 2016, and the short timespan in which they happened, can't ever be repeated? Personally, I believe the world took a huge backwards step last year but I suppose many will disagree.

So. There’s only one thing for it. We mustn't be glum; we have to look forward. Here’s what will definitely happen in 2017:

• Rumours hit the press that Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins had been meeting for clandestine games of nude Risk throughout the entirety of 2016. Both announce they are retracting from the public eye completely. Donald Trump sends the recently decommissioned AirForce One to transport them to a remote island just inside the Arctic Circle, devoid of any modern communication infrastructure and recently annexed by Vladimir Putin, where they plan to live for ever more. Unconfirmed reports state the island was chosen specifically to suit the temperature of their hearts.
• As punishment for allowing The Great British Bake Off to slip through their fingers, Theresa May repeals the BBC’s license with immediate effect. Reinstatement becomes dependent on the surrendering of the Sports Personality of the Year show to a channel that actually shows sport, and the avoidance of any future reference to Top Gear whatsoever. It is subsequently revealed the corporation’s refusal to consider anyone but Andy Murray as SPOTY winner for the foreseeable future had been signed off at the very highest levels.
• In other BBC related news, Steve Wright is quietly moved to the 2am slot on Radio 2. His afternoon show is replaced by uninterrupted live coverage from junior bagpipe lessons at the National School for the Tone Deaf, unanimously voted by an expert panel as being eminently preferable.
• With the above expert panel having proved its value beyond all doubt, all public voting exercises are banned, including elections. The populace rejoices in finally ridding itself of the destructive influence of the populace.
• Scotland win the Six Nations at a canter, saving their most crushing performance for England, where they run in 17 unanswered tries.
• LinkedIn bans everything non-work-related from its site. Deafening teeth-gnashing by narcissists, maths puzzle solvers and first-word-you-see creators everywhere registers temporarily on the Richter scale.

I’m also convinced some of my vendor consolidation predictions from a few years ago will still one day come true:

• Apple will add Blackberry, Cherry, Sage and Juniper to the mix, thereby launching Crumble.
• Kensington will acquire Ipswitch and re-brand as Chelsea Tractor Boys.
• Riverbed will flow into Seagate.
• Adder and Brother will become one and target the lucrative adoption market.
• And finally, I have heard that Expand and Palm are approaching the climax of their negotiations with Siemens.