My PhD Defense

I was having my Friday Netflix and chill moment when I got a message from my supervisor. ‘Your PhD defense will be held on Wednesday, 24th May, at 8:30 am (China time)’-read the message. The message came with an attachment of feedback from 2 blind reviewers. I have to say the suggestions were many. I had between Friday and Tuesday to address these issues, and then hold my defense on Wednesday. In addition, I had to hold my defense at 1:30 am(UK time).

I went on a 4-day marathon addressing all the issues that were raised. I have to say that my stress and anxiety levels were very high. I don’t remember the last time that I had that experience. I just wanted to get this thing over with.?

On Tuesday, I got informed that the meeting was moved to Friday. As much as this gave me time, it also meant that I will be stressed and anxious for a couple of more days. I just wanted to this feeling to go away.?

I tried to go to bed earlier on Thursday but I could not sleep. What if I oversleep? I kept drifting in and out of sleep that I cannot really say that I slept. At 12:30am, I decided to take a shower. In my mind, I thought, this could be one of the ways to cheat my body into thinking that we are starting a new day. Not sure if it worked.

At 1:10 am we tested the equipment and everything was fine. At 1:15 am, I got a message from my supervisor with comments from a third reviewer. I decided to ignore this message.?

‘I will be making my presentation in a few minutes and I knew that opening this document will just stress me more.’-I said to myself.??

At 1:20 am, the equipment starts to malfunction. I could not hear anything. I communicated with the technical team, and we worked to together to resolve it. Because of this, I missed all the instructions that were given at the opening of the defense, and a huge part of the first presentation. This even stressed me more.?

Presentations continued until 3:45 am. The panel took a 15-minute break before, I made my presentation. At 4:00 am, I got the chance to present my work. I was tired, stressed and sleepy. But I still had to soldier on and go with it. My presentation took about 30 minutes, and the other 30 minutes was comments and suggestions from the 5 people panel of Professors.?

The panel took time to deliberate our fate. After about 20 minutes, we were called back and we were informed that we have passed our defense. I became numb! It was great news, but I don’t think the state I was in allowed me to process this good news. I remember one of my colleagues broke down and cried. I could understand why.??

We were given about 2 weeks to address all the issues that were raised, and then submit a final copy. This was the feedback from the 5 professors and the 3 blind reviewers. As we all know, academics do not really agree on most things. This also meant that the feedback I got pulled me from all sorts of directions. I had to find a way to incorporate all of it.?

I did not waste time. I went back to writing 48 hours after my defense. The goal was to finish this thing and get it out of my way. Again, I did another marathon addressing all the issues that were raised. And last week, I submitted everything.?

Today, I have officially graduated! Due to factors beyond my control, I could not join my colleagues physically who are graduating today! It is a great feeling. I also know that I have a couple of weeks to process everything. I know for a fact that I have some scars and bruises from this process of a PhD. I understand why ‘More than 40% of PhD students met the criteria for moderate to severe depression or anxiety.’ My goal now is to find a way to heal from the bruises and find a way to live with the scars. I know that I will eventually!?