My Personal Transformation Journey

In 2003, on a usual quiet day, in a tranquil middle eastern city, I was calmly driving back home from work. Suddenly a car zoomed past, and cut me off on its way! In a split second, I transformed into Dominic Toretto of The Fast and The Furious, sped up to catch up with the guy who had "dared to" cut me on road and angrily gestured toward him letting him know he was wrong to drive like that. To my surprise, this guy actually cut me off again, stopped his car right in front of my car, forcing me to screech-stop and jumped madly out of his car. Irrespective of the fact that I was a lean, 5'5" person and this other guy was over 6' tall with a really strong built, we got into a heated argument.

As funny as it might sound now, next day I had a cast on my hand!

Fast Forward to 2018: Any time I see someone driving reckless on road, anytime someone cuts me (still my pet peeve), I just smile, pray to God asking Him to give wisdom to that person so they may drive safe, for themselves and for others, and I continue with listening to the inspirational talks that I listen to while driving.

How did I change? What caused this positive transformation in my attitude?

Few years back, I had the privilege of getting to know this amazing couple that led me to a journey of self-discovery. They eventually became my mentors and it is their positive influence that inspired me to start looking deep within myself.

My mentors RV & RV inspired me to "find myself" in meaningful, personal development books... books that slowly began to change my perspective toward myself, toward others, toward life in general. I realized I need to grow as an individual, which means I need to change.

All change may not be growth, but all growth is change

Suppose we are having a conversation or are having an interaction with someone who, let's say, is having a "bad day". How do we respond? Do we even respond? Or do we just react? And make the situation even worse!

My mentors RV & RV call this "reacting" as placing our life's remote control in someone else's hands so that this other person "controls" our emotions and actions. If the other person is behaving good, we are good. But if the other person is showing a challenging behavior, we say, "I'll show him/her". Isn't that "conditional response" actually giving our remote control to someone else?

I used to be one such person... who would easily give his remote control away! Not anymore though (well, mostly). Thanks to their mentorship and thanks to the books I now read, I am learning to keep my remote control in my own hands and not get affected by external circumstances. But this change did not happen overnight. It didn't happen by reading just one personal development book. It was... and is... an ongoing process, a journey, in fact, an incremental journey involving six stages...

Stage 1: My perception that "THEY" should change

It all began with I making a conscious decision of improving my self and becoming intentional about it. I gave a commitment to myself that I would read one good book every month. In my initial days of developing that habit, as I read something meaningful, something insightful, I would often find myself making a remark, "This is good! This is how THOSE people should behave!" So, I started with the thought THEY should change (not me... THEY!).

Stage 2: The realization that "I" should change

I continued investing my time in personal development books. In fact, I started prioritizing my reading time every day. I began to not just read, but also understand what I was reading. Eventually, I began to realize, "It is I who should change." I learned that if I change my attitude, my response to external circumstances, then the world around me too will begin to change! So... it is I and not THEM who should change!

I decided that next time I am faced with a challenging situation, I would respond properly.

Stage 3: "I should have" but "I didn't"

There is a very famous story about 5 frogs that were sitting just outside a pond when 2 of them decided to jump in. The question is how many were left back? If you answered 3, think again. 2 of them just DECIDED to jump.

Just because someone decides to do something doesn't mean they would actually do it! In his book, Intentional Living, John Maxwell says, "Most people desire to do something that matters, but don't start intentionally building the bridge between knowing and doing." This is precisely where I was... languishing somewhere in between "knowing" and "doing"!

When facing challenging situations, I still reacted in a way I shouldn't have. But when I would return home and go back to reading my personal development book, I would recall the incident in my mind and realize I had decided not to react in a negative way but I still did! I would actually feel a bit embarrassed at myself and would tell my self, "Next time I'll surely remember. I would respond and not react."

Stage 4: My determination...

Slowly I reached a stage where in challenging or adverse situations, I would still react to it, but right away I would also realize that I had decided not to react... and I can choose not to react! I would then make that intentional choice of not mindlessly reacting, do my best to make amends and apologize if required. I began to take a step back and respond to the situation with a different mindset, different attitude.

I realized it is very easy to take a decision but way more difficult to follow it through. Life has a way of testing our resolve by throwing constant challenges our way. The temptation is always high (it still is!) but I was now more and more determined to be intentional in my response. I was becoming more conscious of how I react or respond.

Stage 5: The "Beginning"

This is where I am at present (generally speaking!). This is the stage, where, when faced with adverse situations or a person with challenging behavior, I am about to react (old habits die hard), but then I am able to recollect myself, stop, take a step back and then respond. It is a conscious effort I have to put in.

As much as I would love to say that I have mastered this stage, I am far from it! I still keep swiveling between Stage 5 and Stage 4 most of the times. In fact, on few occasions (thankfully, just a few), I still do drop down to Stage 3, where I have reacted already without realizing. What can I say, I am still a work-in-progress! I need to work more on my self-discipline to maintain my consistency.

Self-discipline moves us from good intentions to good actions and maintain those good actions consistently.

Stage 6: An On-going Journey

This is the stage where I ultimately want to reach. My mentors RV & RV have this as their default setting. Whatever happens around them, it just doesn't bother them! It is that stage of Unconscious Competence where they just don't react at all, rather calmly respond to anything... just about anything... that happens to them.

This is the stage of complete transformation from "Object-referral" to "Self-referral" mode.

Deepak Chopra explains beautifully in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success that Object referral is ego based and that is why we easily get flustered by someone stepping on our ego. It leads us to hand our life remote to external circumstances and situations; and look for an excuse to justify our actions. Self referral, on the other hand, is spirit based and the spirit knows that "I am beneath no one; and I am superior to no one". Therefore it is unaffected by the good or bad opinions of others. It helps us keep our life remote in our own hands.

John Maxwell says "Always work on yourself before others" and "Always work on yourself more than others". My mentors and the books I have been reading over last few years have had a tremendous impact on me. They have helped... and are helping me work on myself.

We can only add value to others in life if first we add value to ourselves.

We can't give to others what we don't have!

All positive change occurs from within, not without.

I continue to read, I continue to work on myself, I continue to invest in myself and my personal development. I know that eventually I would come to Stage 6 and stay there...

Each one of us has a life that tells a story. Although there is a bit of comedy, tragedy, drama etc. in that story; overall, there is a larger story in each of our lives. I am striving to have a story in my life that leaves a legacy for my family, for the people around me, for the people who have influenced me, are influencing me and are being influenced by me.

What do you want your life story to say? What books have helped you become a better you? Or are helping you become a better you? I would love to hear your transformation story. Please leave a comment below and share your personal transformation life story...

Thank you Google for your help with all the images that accentuate my words above!