My Personal Journey with PTSD

This one took a minute to write. I went back and fourth on feeding chatgpt a generic prompt on mental health awareness month or getting into some real talk.

I’ll let you decide which direction I went.

I know firsthand how important it is to talk about mental health to break the stigma. October 2023 was my ten year anniversary where I experienced a traumatic event that left me struggling with addiction, flashbacks, anxiety, and depression. I’ve shared different a couple posts on Medium here and here as it enabled me to share, but not too broadly as it didn’t have a lot of reach. I haven’t spoken about the topic a ton here, but think the time is right.

The NIH suggests 1 in 5 of us suffer from one form of a mental health challenges. I would bet that with pandemic, social media, mobile phones and overall tension in our society this number is actually underreported. (I’m not a doctor, do your own research). One is probably feeding another as we are altering our brain chemistry to soothe (doom scrolling, alcohol, vaping, other legal/illegal things). This creates a virtuous cycle of drained dopamine —> which creates a chance for increased anxiety, depression, addiction —> then we go back to the well to fill it up with things that are temporary —> pick your poison (doom scrolling, drinking, drugs, etc).

The Situation

I’m not sure a single post can summarize the last 10 years nor fully capture what happened that day. I’ve decided that by sharing a portion of my story it might be helpful. I expect to write more on my recovery as I think how we approached it was a little different and potentially helpful for others.

The date was 10-11-12 (not joking) and was in Cancun at a beachside resort with our best friends celebrating our anniversary when our trip took a turn for the worst. I was on the beach when I saw our friend Eric face down in the water after bodysurfing. At first glance, I thought he might have been playing a joke or maybe just took on a little water. I went to check on him and realized that he was unconscious and pulled his body out of the water. He had suffered a severe contusion and died on the beach in front of us surrounded by police and EMS. The rest is as they say “a bit of a blur”. The TL;DR is dealing with a death or accident in a foreign country isn’t something I would wish on anyone.

After my trauma I returned home in an absolute fog. This would soon become what I can best describe as numbness. I was told this is a trauma response that might last for a while. For me, it still persists and struggle with recalling certain memories, processing certain emotions tied to grief and emotional pain with anything other than a ??. Professionally and personally, this leaves me struggling to be empathetic and extremely direct. I know this has impacted colleagues, my kids and Erin Wachtendonk . I share this as it is real. It sits behind the vale of confidence and “life is good”. The chipper posts showing what some might describe as a pretty good life. Well, under the hood friends, some real work is going on.

Let’s skip to the good part (you know the song)

I feel better today than ever. I have published some thoughts on how challenges and failure enable us to find new personal and professional highs. I like to think of myself as a real world example of that. Not gonna lie, It required some work eg. therapy, failing a lot, tons of support from friends/loved ones, and learning to prioritize my mental health. I was able to overcome adversity and build up emotional and mental resilience to find a new version of normal.

Looking back, there are three key things I've learned that I want to share with you:

1. It's okay to not be okay. When I first started experiencing symptoms of PTSD, I felt like I had to hide my feelings and pretend like everything was okay. But the truth is, it's normal to struggle with mental health at times. It's okay to ask for help, to take time for yourself, and to prioritize your own well-being.
2. Healing is a process. Overcoming PTSD was not an overnight process for me. It took time, patience, and hard work. Healing is not a linear path, and there will be ups and downs along the way. But with the right tools and support, it is possible to move forward and live a fulfilling life.
3. Self-care is crucial. Building up emotional and mental resilience requires consistent self-care practices. For me, this looks like regular therapy sessions, exercise, and prioritizing time for hobbies and self-reflection. It's important to make self-care a priority and not view it as a luxury.

I’m not sure one ever fully recovers from PTSD, but do believe you can find piece one day/moment at a time. If I don't take steps to prioritize my mental health and build up emotional resilience, I know I can slip back into old patterns. This may mean I have to say no or alter how I work. But by staying aware of my mental health and actively working to maintain it, I am able to live a fulfilling life and help others who may be struggling with mental health issues.

I encourage you to prioritize your own mental health and remember that it's okay to not be okay. If you're struggling, know that there is help available and that healing is possible.

Yup, that actually happened. It was as brutal as it sounds. There are many chapters to write on the 10 year journey, but that will come another day. Thanks for listening and helping me along my journey. Cheers to breaking down the walls of mental health and being advocates for each other.