Is My Pain Real Or Imaginary?

My heart is breaking, my head feels like it is being crushed, my stomach aches so bad. Emotional stress is felt throughout our body, it is not just limited to our over-worked mind. As people are tragically losing loved ones, losing their job, and losing their sense of control during this pandemic, we can expect them to feel real pain.

It is important to understand that the person who is experiencing this type of physical reaction from any loss is not simply going through a challenging time, for them it is a comprehensive and all-encompassing tragedy. And they are feeling it in every way possible.

There are not making it up, they are not being overly dramatic, they are not being precious or seeking attention. They are truly feeling the loss in every sense. They are fully connected, mind and body, which indicates that they need your help more than ever before.

Although our brain doesn't process emotional pain and physical pain identically, research on neural pathways suggests there is substantial overlap therefore our reactions to pain are very similar regardless of it being from a physical or emotional cause.

The sensation of physical pain is not imaginary because intense emotions activate the pain centre in our brain close to the limbic system. Pain is received by the thalamus before being sent to the cerebral cortex for processing. This process causes us to feel genuine pain in the same way that we feel pain when we break an arm.

Furthermore, neuroscience demonstrates that negative emotions like anxiety, stress, depression, and anger amplify the pain.

Validation is what psychology suggests works to reduce the emotional state of another person, and it does work extremely well. Validation is unbelievably effective at reducing the emotional impact on another person. In crisis negotiation terms, we call it acknowledgement, acknowledging that what the person is going through is very real.

An emotion that is expressed is disarmed. An emotion that is acknowledged is more so. And, an emotion that is shared is unconditionally disarmed.

Conversely, invalidation can be destructive to the person feeling the physical pain. Telling someone who is feeling physical pain from an emotional experience that: it is all inside their head; they need to snap out of it; there are many worse off than you; or that you aren't willing to discuss it, will only make things worse for the person.

So, what can you do to help someone who feels physical pain from an emotional event? The same things that you would do if you were to help someone who had a physical injury, because that's what they have.

1. Sit and listen, not sit and talk - let them express how they are feeling and truly listen to their words.
2. Validate and acknowledge - say that what they are feeling is very real and very normal.
3. Be there with them - don't just be there for them, also be there with them at every step.
4. Make a plan - when the time is right, sit and write out a plan of action, their plan in their words, for what they can do to overcome their situation that has caused the loss.
5. Work at their pace - don't push, don't rush, don't help by doing it. Let them help themselves to provide them with a sense of hope.

Unfortunately, the ongoing repercussions from the pandemic will last longer than we would wish it to. Many of us are going to need genuine support, the support of those around us. We are community creatures who are wired to look after each other, starting from our family, to our friends, to our colleagues, and then to those who we may not know.

If you are feeling the physical pain from an emotional event, know that you are normal and that you aren't making it up. The pain you are feeling is real and all pain is felt the same regardless of the cause.

Let's talk!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lance, a former police crisis negotiator and personnel development manager, now provides enhanced communication, safety management, and personal resilience support to businesses across all industries; https://www.warninternational.com/ 

Lance is the author of Behind The Tape - https://www.amazon.com/Behind-Tape-Gripping-real-life-negotiator-ebook/dp/B01EH172QC and has created a series of eLearning courses - https://elearning.warninternational.com/