My own experiences of empty nesting

The findings of our Unite Students empty nesters report* were stark. 9 in 10 parents told us they experienced grief after their kids left for university. I was reminded of those parents as I helped our properties with check-in and seeing parents faces as they waved off their children – many for the first time. It’s a feeling I’m familiar with, as I helped my youngest daughter move to university last month.

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I've got three daughters. One of my daughters has finished university, one went off two years ago and my youngest who has just started.?

When our first daughter went to university, we really felt the anxiety in the in the run up to her starting university and moving away. Those first few weeks before she went were a mixture of excitement and worry, trying to figure out who she'd be living with, where she'd be living, what it would be like. The worst was the day when I dropped her off. We drove up to Sheffield - it was three hours - she's a very chatty young person but about half an hour before we got there, she just went quiet, and I could tell that the nerves were kicking in. So were mine.?

But the moment she walked into her flat and one of the boys who was already living there just came out and said ‘hi’, the big smile returned to her face and that just eased all those initial anxieties that she had. She was off and I was sent home as quickly as I had arrived.

I think the thing that surprised me was just how much involvement we still have with her. It’s sort of parenting by WhatsApp. We have loads of chats and regularly talk on WhatsApp. It's quite different to when I was at university when there was a payphone at the end of the corridor, and I only spoke to my mum and dad once every few weeks. I think it’s lovely to hear what's going on. It’s reassuring.

Is it easier now we’ve experienced one daughter leaving home? No. I don’ think so. I think it's just as hard because it's that real personal emotion of seeing each child get ready to make that leap. It's so daunting to walk into a new place to live. You don't know anybody.

My second daughter went to pre-season training and was living in a flat on her own for three days at the start of her first term at university. It breaks my heart to think of her sitting in a room, not knowing anybody, waiting for their first flatmates to arrive, wondering what this is all about.

I think each one is different. Each child has their own challenges and strengths which will help them to deal with university and moving away. It doesn’t get any easier, but it gets better with time especially once I had the sense that they had settled in and started to find their friends.? It moved my worry and anxiety into a sense of happiness and pride upon hearing about the fun and the great stuff they were up to. ?

So much of what we did bringing up our kids was to prepare them for moments like these. All those sleepovers and all those play dates that they have is about building up that confidence to be away from you and for us to feel comfortable with them going off and doing their own exciting things. So, once they've gone and settled in, it felt much more comfortable for us and we feel much, much happier that they're off exploring and continuing to grow. We have actually enjoyed seeing them fly the nest!

You'll never be able to totally ready yourself for that full on experience when a child moves away. On the day and then those first few weeks, it’s always going to be hard. But my advice would be to just keep talking to your kids. See what they’re worried about and try to figure out any worries. I think the ability to connect with other flatmates or other people in the building helps as well, which is something we’ve build into our new Unite Students app this year. It just takes away a little bit of the mystique.

One of the great things about Unite Students, and universities, is that there is that wrap around support for students and knowing that there's a safety net. Not all students will need that additional layer of comfort and support, but it’s wonderful knowing that there's people around if anything does go wrong, that there's someone there just to help, to have a chat and to help direct them wherever they may need to go or be.

DOWNLOAD:?Parents’ Guide to Empty Nesting

To help parents come to terms with their child leaving for university for the first time, Unite Students has created a handy guide “Students Leaving Home: A parent’s guide to empty nesting”?available here.?This includes ten helpful tips from Dr Thompson along with other useful information and support tools for parents.

*According to independent research commissioned by Unite Students, 2021