My Opposite of Loneliness

I lost my youngest sister on 19th February this year when she took her own life following a very short illness. I used to speak to my sister every single day and she lived with me off and on over the years. We were really close. While I knew she was ill and undergoing medical treatment, her loss was a total shock and absolutely devastating.

I was reminded of the antenatal course I did when I was pregnant. We were told that at some point close to the birth, we would want to run away and not continue with the labour because it would feel like too much to handle. This is exactly how I felt – I just wanted to disappear and get away from everything and everyone. The pain of the loss and the associated feelings that come with someone committing suicide were unbearable, and it was pretty bleak. Although I was often surrounded by close friends and family, I have never felt lonelier than those first few weeks as I tried to make sense of what happened, while supporting my children and doing the practical tasks that need to be done when someone dies.

My reason for writing this isn’t to talk about my loss, but more about the focus for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week: loneliness. This is about how other people supported me when I was at my loneliest, and what it meant to me.

I have been totally overwhelmed by all the messages and calls I’ve received from my professional network. Ex-colleagues that I haven’t spoken to for years have sent me heartfelt messages of support, current colleagues ?– some of whom I don’t even know very well – have messaged me with kind words and practical tips, and shared similar experiences.

When something like this happens, it’s very difficult to separate your private and professional life. But we spend so much time at work, with so many people – colleagues, agencies, suppliers, clients – we do build real human connections that we can be unaware of until something challenging happens. It’s relatively easy to put on a mask for a short period of time, but the pain is still there, close to the surface.

Thank you so much to all the people that wrote to me, and my wonderful colleagues who continued to check in regularly even when I was off work for a while – and still do. They all helped me stay part of something familiar, stay connected to others and feel less alone. That support is something that I will always remember and it’s had a huge impact on me.

To anyone who isn’t sure if they should say anything, or is worried about what to say when someone is going through a difficult time, I would say: always do it. No one ever knows the right words, and you might not get a response, but doing something, even just a short text message, can make a huge difference to how that person feels in that minute or for the whole day, and can really give them the strength they need in tough times.

The writer Marina Keegan, who sadly died in a car crash at the beginning of her writing career, discussed what I am talking about in her essay The Opposite of Loneliness. It describes her time at Yale, but I believe this can apply to our working lives as well.

“We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life. What I’m grateful and thankful to have found at Yale, and what I’m scared of losing when we wake up tomorrow and leave this place.

It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats.

(Yale) is full of tiny circles we pull around ourselves. These tiny groups that make us feel loved and safe and part of something even on our loneliest nights when we stumble home to our computers — partner-less, tired, awake.

We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness but if we did, I’d say that’s how I feel.”