My New Year's Resolution Saved My Life [TW: Depression & Self H*rm]

Over the past week or so I've loved reading everyone's take on New Year's Resolutions as I scroll down LinkedIn.

I find the spectrum of "they are useless" through to "I make them every year" fascinating because it shows so much variation in how we tackle problems, work towards goals, and make positive changes in our lives.

I use to make and fail them every year.

"I want to do X, try Y, be Z" but I never gave any of them much conviction.

The only New Year's Resolution I've ever kept was made back in 2015 - 10 years ago.

The resolution? "To give up self h*rm".

I had been dealing with self harm for years as a symptom of my depression and found myself in a very low place at the end of 2014. I didn't want to keep repeating the same unhealthy cycles that would end up getting worse over time, so I finally decided on December 31st 2014 that I'd had enough.

From 1st January 2015 I set about giving up my main coping mechanism and start the long journey of battling my demons.

The first year was a case of counting every day I had managed, then every week, then every month because each tiny milestone was a huge achievement for me. It was tough!

You can't just stop using a coping mechanism without replacing it with something else that will help you get through, otherwise you spiral and end up reverting back to old ways.

I tried all sorts of things to distract myself. Some distractions were healthy and positive: blogging & journalling, puzzle books, origami, squeezing stress balls, cuddling foster kittens. Others were not so healthy: drinking excessively, skin picking, and refusing food.

For a long time I was in survival mode, just doing whatever I could to deal with how I was feeling.

8 months in I was on holiday with my best friend and she gave me so much encouragement to keep going.

The 1 year mark came around and me and my mum had a cry together over a glass of wine during my Christmas visit.

Partners over the years have help me at difficult moments and celebrated milestones with me.

Therapists over the years have helped break down the thought processes that trigger the behaviour.

3, 5, 7 years went by, and even though it's still a struggle I didn't need to count down to each yearly milestone anymore.

It was only when I started thinking about whether or not I would have a resolution this year that I realised I had reached my 10 year milestone and let out an "oh, f*ck!"

It had completely passed me by; quietly and without fanfare even though it deserves one.

It's one of my proudest achievements and has been a huge part of what makes me who I am. The resilience that I've built and empathy I have for others comes directly from my experiences with self h*rm and depression.

So this is me giving it some fanfare!

LinkedIn needs more personal content that tackles difficult issues like this, because we never know who is struggling and how our words might help others.

For those who are having a tough time right now, here's some of the things this experience has taught me:

• People do give a sh*t about you. You are loved and the people in your life care about your welfare deeply.
• Support is out there if we are brave enough to accept it.
• Things do get easier. Keep going. Slowly but surely you will get to your own "oh f*ck!" moment as you realise how far you've come.
• You are SO much stronger than you realise or give yourself credit for.

So my take on New Year's Resolutions? Pretty good, as long as you fight for yourself and the things you care deeply about you can do whatever you put your mind to.

Happy New Year you beautiful lot! You can do it!

[If this article has affected you and you or someone you know needs urgent help, please check the comments for support and resources]

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?? Hi, I'm Emma, your friendly neighbourhood Brand Photographer supporting fiery female founders who are creating a kinder world. It's time to show up for your business and shout about your amazing work in an authentic way. I also talk about mental health a lot!