My New Year’s Resolution: More Bowl Games

The proliferation of college-football bowl games that started on Flag Day hasn’t sated my appetite for sports-related absurdity just yet. Things like The Pop Tarts Bowl, The Gasparilla Bowl, The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, The Guaranteed Rate Bowl, The Duke’s Mayo Bowl, The Tony the Tiger Bowl, and The Shop-Vac Dust Bowl haven’t convinced me people with single-digit IQs and enough beer will watch anything. I fantasized that a disastrously depleted FSU team had a snowball’s chance in Hell against Georgia, FSU’s pique at being snubbed by the College Football Playoffs (CFP) Committee notwithstanding. I sincerely want to believe the winner of the CFP playoff games that will be played tomorrow night and a week from tomorrow night will be the legitimate champion of anything.

I resolve to go on. And, indeed, I shall.

Now that American college football's Outback Bowl has been replaced by the ReliaQuest Bowl , the Outback Bowl has moved to Australia. No longer a game of American football, it will now be contested under the auspices of Australian Rules Football and called the Outback Crikey Bowl. I can hardly wait.

The extraordinary nature of Australian Rules Football reveals what an extraordinary people Australians are. Here's why:

• Australian Rules Football players wear no padding and no helmets, indicating they're immune to all manner of fractures, joint injuries, and — most important — Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) .
• American football players are weenies in comparison to their Australian counterparts since, according to a recent study , 345 of 376 former NFL players studied had CTE. Those NFL tossers need to man up, get rid of their helmets, or both.
• Australians are way better at math than Americans. The score of a typical Australian Rules Football game, which makes perfect sense to Aussies, might be 13.15.93 to 9.12.66. Americans, on the other hand, can't even figure out that when their country is $34 trillion in debt and counting , they probably should stop spending.
• Australians have significantly better developed senses of abstract conceptualization, spatial orientation, and representational acumen than their American counterparts. That's why this diagram makes sense to them.

• Australians are much more formal and sanitary than Americans. And the umpires for their football games are trained physicians. (Even in the absence of injuries and CTE, it's better to be safe than sorry.) That's why they wear hats, ties, and lab coats while officiating the games.

• Unlike American football, Australian Rules Football doesn't use kicking tees to steady the ball and to make kicks more accurate. To compensate, Australian Rules Football uses two sets of goalposts — two large posts flanked by two shorter posts. If a player kicks the ball between the taller posts, six points are awarded. If a play kicks the ball between either of the taller posts and one of the flanking shorter posts, one point is awarded. The one-point score is called a behind because that's where the teammates of the lousy kicker who couldn't get the ball between the taller posts kick him.

The Outback Crikey Bowl will be played on January 26th, 2024, Australia Day , which commemorates the country's founding in 1788. The founders of Australia originally wanted to celebrate Australia Day on July 4th, but they were beaten to that punch by 12 years by another country famous for CTE and spending itself into pecuniary oblivion. Unfortunately, that kerfuffle over dates remains a source of residual diplomatic friction in the Land Down Under.

If the ratings for the Outback Crikey bowl are dismal, the game will be moved back to the United States in 2025 and called The Outback Bloomin' Onion Bowl. The move, of course, will be determined by whether the residual diplomatic friction can be satisfactorily greased. Here’s hoping cooler heads prevail.

Stay tuned.