my name's changed and it's ok to ask me about it

If this article had stage notes it would say something like “smiling as she types” or “read in contented manner, even when serious”. Well I am typing (and smiling) to share not just the update of a new name, but also to say that it’s ok to ask about my change, I know people can dance around why a name has changed.

I’m big on change. What drives it, what makes it happen. My world of work is all about change, how systems change, how people evolve. And what I’ve learnt is that change driven by the individual is always positive – even if it comes from a tricky trigger, and even if it doesn’t pan out as expected, self-initiated, self-directed change, is in itself empowering.

So why have I changed my name?

Well, like a lot of people I’m divorced. Don’t stop reading on, I’m not about to take you through the blah, blah, blah of that. But what was interesting was how this change (not self-initiated I note) made me feel about my identity. In all honesty I felt like it had been stripped from me – my surname wasn’t mine anymore, my title didn’t fit, people kept using Mrs and struggled to pronounce Ms, and for a while I had no idea who I was anymore. Amazing how our names and titles define us, we get lost in them a little, just as we get stuck in our roles in life and in work (but that’s another article).

I still feel a lifelong connection to my married name as it’s my daughter’s surname (as is often the case). And I still feel positive about the actual shape, sound, and connection of it, but it’s not mine anymore. More recently, someone else has proudly taken on that name in marriage, leaving me feeling even more strongly that I needed to free myself up from it - so she could really become it. That felt super important –and might be unusual to think of the new partner in such detail - but I genuinely didn’t want me holding on to the name to diminish her fresh enjoyment of it. Genuinely (stage note: read sincerely).

I talked about it with my daughter, would she be ok with having different surnames? She was and is. I considered school, travel, and kept being told anything goes now so having different names is ok. I briefly considered going back to my ‘maiden’ name (I mean honestly the language of all of this, stage note: sigh). But I don’t feel connected to that name and actually I’m not sure how much I ever was. Again, it belongs to others and that’s cool, but it’s not for me.

So what did that leave me with? If I remarry I’m not sure I’ll go down the traditional name thing again, I’ve learnt too much. No judgement for those who do, I really get you, but that option is also no longer me.

Hmm, so no choice then but to…pick my own name??!!

Surprising how unusual this actually is. Did you know that if a woman is married and decides to choose her name she has to get permission from her husband? Did you know that by choosing your own name it has to be witnessed? (Thank you McHughs). Did you know it goes in the London Gazette? Did you know you have to pay solicitors and deed poll fees, and did you know it's overall really quite complicated and currently really quite lengthy. Pretty sure I had to swear allegiance to the King at one point too, but I might be wrong.

But, 10 months later, couple hundred pounds spent, and a lot of friends pestered for favours, it’s now through. And having to update contact details painstakingly aside, I am really quite excited. There have been days in the past where I wouldn’t have been able to imagine this new me, wrapped up in a name I really love, but here I am and it’s great. I feel super independent.

When I chose my new name I knew one thing – I wanted it to make me feel happy when I said it, wrote it, read it. When my daughter’s name was chosen we spent time thinking how it sounded aloud and went with a name that just sings when you say it in its entirety. And I wanted that for myself. I wonder will she stick with hers in the future?

At the risk of sounding like an episode of Cougar Town, I have always loved first-name-surnames. I had a name that reminded me of my primary school best friend, it was the same name that was in the running to be my nephew’s and was weirdly the first prompt by my wonderful Andrew Cooper (who missed a trick there not naming his child Cooper Cooper by the way).

So that was it. That was enough happiness for me and so a name I just felt lots of squishy, lovely fondness for was actually chosen really quite quickly, instinctually, and from lovely connotations and memories.

So for those then in continuous improvement, customer and user experience, service design, user research and more– I hope this shines a light onto what is a teeny-weeny thing that gets looked at by us (in terms of improving functionality of name changes and their processes) but is mighty in terms of feelings for the person who is making the change. We really need to move past titles at the very least – I just can’t see what they’re bringing. Props to Angela Mason for being ahead there.

And for those who know me, it’s ok to ask why the name change…although I think I’ve just shared (almost) everything. That is except to say what my new name is.

It’s Jayne Spencer.

(Ms if I have to, but I’d rather no title at all).