My Movember

This is my alarm clock. I didn't find it stuffed at the back of a drawer. This is actually new. I just bought it from Amazon. And it just became one of my most prized possessions. Why? Who buys new alarm clocks in 2023? I'll tell you. People who need to get phones out of the bedroom, that's who!

I'll cut to the chase, while I'm seeing a psychiatrist about a possible ADHD diagnosis, I am pretty convinced that I have Inattentive ADHD.

I like to think I've always been an ally to people who don't look or think like me, or people who come from different backgrounds, or those who have not enjoyed the same privileges. Some people would call me a leftie. Or 'woke'. But to put this simply, none of that means much to me, I just think everyone deserves their fair chance.

But that's not to mean I'm an expert at what diversity really means or what every permutation of the human experience looks like. From a neuro-diversity perspective, and ADHD specifically, I've never really delved into what this is, what it means, or how that might impact my interactions with someone who has ADHD. Now, for one reason or another, I recently had the motivation to begin exploring this subject, and I wasn't expecting this 'journey of discovery'.

Just one more round

I've played computer games virtually (ha) my whole life. As a child I would always gravitate towards kids who had a C64 tucked away at home, or a Nintendo of some sort, maybe a Sega, or an Atari... And then around age 13 I got that first Amiga A500. Wow. What a machine. An amazing catalogue of 16-bit games that I must have wasted weeks upon weeks stuck in front of that tiny CRT screen. And that continued on for years until fairly recently when I was playing Baldurs Gate 3 into the early hours during the week, and something clicked. I read an article, or actually, it may have been a video or three:

• https://youtu.be/UwDsh5trW9s
• https://youtu.be/HNje-HuIYdI
• https://youtu.be/xaICKlp9kQc

And what one of these taught me, or reminded me at least - was that back when video games were invented, they were slot machines. You had to pay to play. And they were always designed to keep you feeding that slot with coin. Then the games came home - boom, you're always buying the next console, the next game. Back in the day this would be ￡15-￡30. Nowadays that's more like ￡40-￡70+. And the gaming computer I bought not so long ago was just shy of the ￡2000 mark. In the gaming community, spending whole weekends playing some game or other is considered a positive thing. It's almost an expectation. Now these videos do it much better justice than I will here, but the salient point for me was that, while playing games is fun, particularly for an ADHD brain that craves instant gratification, wow does it mean you're neglecting other parts of your life.

And whether it's age or something else, I've become only too aware that you need to strike a balance. You only get one life and in order to get the most out of this existence, you need your mind, body, and soul all in check. Computer games were standing directly in my way. Almost overnight I have given them up completely.

One does enjoy a tipple

Same with alcohol. I got to the point where during the week I was drinking most nights, if not every night. Then even more at weekends. I was heavier than I'd ever been. I was sat in front of my computer screen playing games in the evening. My wife and I were ships in the night.

Wow, I was depressed.

My job works well for an ADHD brain. Lots of context-switching, varied subjects, teams to handle administrative activity, the perfect hiding place! But in between long hours at work, drinking and gaming into the nights, my physical, mental, and emotional health was nose-diving.

Something was going to snap.

And then it did. I can't say what exactly. But something definitely went snap, and in style.

So why Inattentive ADHD?

I always thought of ADHD as being representative of people who can't sit still and would be pinging off the walls if they went near a bottle of Coke. As it turns out, that's known as Hyperactive ADHD. There is also Inattentive ADHD, where, as it says on the tin, one struggles to maintain concentration.

- Easily distracted

- Taking procrastination to an Olympic level

- Eager to start something new, but zero hope of following through with it

- Huge number of mostly-empty notebooks, to-do apps, and GTD processes begun and left behind in quick succession.

- Mind wanders in the middle of a conversation. Either I lose my train of thought mid-discussion. Or I completely lose focus on the person doing the talking, even in a 1:1 context.

- Neglectful of relationships, even close friends and family members.

- Extremely forgetful

- Huge difficulty in starting tasks, even if we have that #1 priority for the day written down in front of us.

- Terribly compulsive which can cause real issues with time and money.

There's more detail out there but if I carry on it'll get silly. The point being, what I thought were 'character traits' or "I'm an idiot" all my life, are actually quite common characteristics. Now some people are very much against labelling things. But for me, if I can identify an issue, that helps me to manage or mitigate that issue. It's actually less about the issue than it is my ability to lead a fulfilling life and maintain healthy relationships through that life. If identifying or giving something a name helps with that - I'm up for it.

A few weeks ago I wrote ten pages of notes on how my behaviours or thoughts align to Inattentive ADHD, which is when I really convinced myself, and as time has passed this thought process has become strengthened as I find more and more information out there which chimes with my own experiences. While I'm still working towards a diagnosis, at some point if you know, you know.

The screens

So with this ADHD is a tendency to be drawn into things which provide quick hits of dopamine. Screens are a modern menace. So task number one for me is limiting my exposure to The Screens. Not taking phones to bed is an obvious place to start. I can find it hard to get up in the morning if I'm doom scrolling. And ditto getting to sleep at night. What was the only useful utility I had for a phone in the bedroom? The alarm.

Well hello there little alarm clock.

It's a well-known fact that screens in the bedroom do nothing for your ability to get to sleep. And with the schedule I'm planning for myself, I need that sleep.

The sleep

On the subject of sleep, that's got a huge part to play in how I want to regain balance in life. I've been making do with as little as three hours sleep (around five on average). This won't do. Part of this was the sedentary lifestyle I was leading. Part of it was too many screens at all hours. So from the 1st November, I'm going to have a strict 'no screens from an hour before bed' rule. I can read books or whatever, just no screens.

On the subject of balance, there's two more things I need to consider. Both involve moving around a fair bit more.

Move it

To lose weight there is a TON of information out there about the benefits of simply walking. An hour a day at the pace I walk is plenty. So I need to be doing that several times a week. Lets say every working day. Doesn't need to be in one hit, in fact it helps if you get in a little effort after each meal. So maybe even three 20 minute storming sessions each day may work quite well.

The other element is something a bit more strenuous. I always used to cycle. But that's not something I really have the luxury for these days - at least during the week. Instead, I'm going to give Calisthenics a try. This is basically working out with nothing but your own body weight and a Yoga mat. Again - an hour of this every day or so and you'll quickly start to see gains.

But what's the other thing you need to whip yourself into shape? I'll tell you what - not a diet that consists of endless biscuits and bacon sandwiches!

Balanced intake, balanced mind

I'm a big believer in striking balance, so I'm not going 100% this or that. But the balance I'm looking will be heavily based on protein and healthy fats. So - very low on carbs and processed foods.

Water! Water water water, water, water water. Ditching alcohol means I'm a lot more susceptible to fall back on my 'sweet tooth' (sugar addiction actually now commonplace, one for another post). To combat this, I'm taking to caffeine and water approach through the day. With my last caffeine hit scheduled for around early-mid afternoon. The increased proteins I'm taking should counter those sugary cravings.

The last element in here is mental health. If and assuming I do have ADHD, then meditation is very difficult, my brain just doesn't sit still. If I try to sit still and empty my mind I know I'll be thinking about the climate catastrophe and how capitalism is butchering equality - but to be honest, this is where cycling can come in. The rhythm, concentration, and changing scenery involved with being out on the road is very calming. My best chance is early hours on a Saturday or Sunday, where I might be able to grab a three hour slot for a bit of cycling. Fingers crossed at this point.

My hope is that with more sleep, a better diet, a better physical health regime, that my mental health will receive a natural boost where for years - it has been heavily supressed/sedated.

With all of this, I've worked up a personal Google Calendar, and calculated that I need to sleep between 9pm and 5am.

To get up at 5, I'll need an alarm. But I can't have my phone in the bedroom.

So, here's to my my alarm clock. My hope is it represents a real change that will see me strike a far more balanced, happy existence.

Wish me luck ??