My mom left me with an incredible gift

My mom, Gail, passed away on Tuesday, April 14th. I wanted to share the news with you all because of the outpouring of support I received last month when I wrote about her ongoing health challenges. Like many other families around the country, we held a Zoom memorial, shared stories and found special ways to mark the moment. We did the best we could.

My mom lived to do good in the world. She was a social worker who paid attention to underserved people who many ignore. She fostered a lot of children in our own home, adopting two girls when I was in college. But she also struggled. She was bi-polar and agoraphobic and had trouble connecting outside of her immediate world. There were many years when she struggled to even leave the house.

At the funeral, I shared the story of a gift that she gave to me. It was a gift that I didn't realize—until years later—how hard it must have been for her to give.

As a kid, I went to a gymnastics camp in upstate New York called Belle Terre. It was one of the best experiences of my life—the friends, the counselors, the girl bonding. The hardest part was that I could only afford to stay a few weeks while my friends got to stay for most of the summer.

One summer, after my session ended, I came home and fell into such a deep state of sadness. It felt like there was a hole in my heart. My mom noticed and said, “How about in a few weeks, I'll drive you back up there? We can stay at a hotel the night before visiting day, and you can spend the next day with your friends.” Not an easy thing to do for someone with agoraphobia and a fear of going anywhere. That ended up being one of the best days of my young life.

I share this story because we’re all in such a state of need right now, regardless of our individual circumstances. And we all can find something to give. Dr. Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General during the Obama administration, who I often quote in my work, talks about how being of service to others is an “unexpected but powerful solution to loneliness.”

In a recent interview on Katie Couric’s podcast, Next Question, Murthy said, “When we help other people, we shift the focus from ourselves to somebody else in the context of a positive interaction...Service reaffirms to us that we have value to bring to the world.” I know that my mom felt so good about the joy she brought to me that day long ago, in spite of how hard it felt in the moment.

A few weeks ago when I realized that I needed to settle into this quarantine, I started thinking about ways that I could help. I decided to offer an hour a day of executive coaching to anyone in need—whether they lost a job, wanted a new one, couldn’t figure out how to focus at home while homeschooling their kids or just wanted to chat. Some days I feel too overwhelmed or sad or angry to do it, but I push through. I know I’ve made an impact helping people reframe their situations, developing job search strategies and providing an outlet to talk. But even more importantly, it has made me feel good, valued and in many ways, more connected and less lonely during this time.

Here’s the good news. Being in service to others is something that’s available to all of us—and it’s a time when we could all use it. Service could mean checking in on your parents or calling a friend who’s really struggling with working from home or being cooped up with their kids. It could mean buying groceries for an elderly neighbor, or making a donation.

As my brother-in-law, Rabbi Matthew Gewirtz, wrote in her obituary, she “marched to the cadence of justice and lived every day to balance the scales with compassion and generosity.” I hope that I can continue to do the same.

Note: The content of this post is from my newsletter I sent out today. I received such thoughtful, kind feedback from it, that I wanted to share it with my broader audience. If you want to receive my monthly newsletter, the "Spaghetti Project Digest," please sign up here.