My Mental Health Story

May is mental health awareness month. And I have a story to tell. I'm a fairly private guy, so this is uncommon for me. For some professionals who suffer from mental health imbalances, I'm hoping this article is inspiring or helpful.

I am 47 as of this writing. I am a very introspective person. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety around the age of 15. I was "blindly" on Prozac for 20+ years by a psychiatrist I had only seen once. My family doctor would continue the prescription even though we never once spoke about mental health. I hadn't seen a true specialist again until my 30s. I was part of the Prozac Nation in the 1990s, but I was constantly trying to be my own therapist. I wanted to cure myself. But I couldn't figure out exactly what was broken.

Back in the early 90s, nobody had the right words or drugs or therapy for me. One doctor said I had ADHD. Another said I had OCD. I was often given diagnoses that left me more confused. One therapist called me an enigma, which didn't feel encouraging.

"But men have to be tough and swallow our problems."?That was the shitty thinking of the day, so I didn't really try to talk to anyone. In hindsight, that was a critical mistake.

Until I finally found the right therapist and medication 30 years later, I could not slow down the "spinning" in my head. The only way I can describe "spinning" (my term) is a computer trying to overcomplicate itself by running too many programs at once.?That's what my head is like 100% of my waking hours. I couldn't let go of pain or anger because it would always resurface autonomously. I couldn't focus on one thing because I had too many other things pushing into my consciousness. I couldn't remember simple things because my brain couldn't "save the data" fast enough. The thoughts and uber-juiced up emotions would just cycle on loop. To this day, I wake up with panic attacks from dreams that spin emotionally out of control. I'll feel that panic for hours past the dream.

So in hindsight, an improperly medicated, panic-attack-stricken, scared, and insecure weirdo grew a few decades older while being completely out of control. I felt completely alone, trapped in my own head.

My work ethic was intense because of my anxiety. I worked extremely hard, day and night, on side projects and businesses because I was simply too afraid of failing. Once leaving school, my anxiety forced me to become great at all the things I wanted to do. Perfection wasn't what I was after, but I shot very high. I felt I needed to. For example, many people know of me for my SEO work. The day I discovered SEO, I felt like I had to be as good as the smartest people on the forum boards. When search marketing conferences started to happen, I had to be as good as the smartest person on any stage. My anxiety wouldn't release me until I convinced myself I reached a reasonably close skill set. I worked all day. I worked all night. I hadn't read a book or watched an episodic TV show in decades because I saw it as a distraction to keeping on track. I didn't know how to live in the moment or rest.

When I hit my mid-40s, I started to notice my ability to multi-task had been slowing. I never set out to be a rock star multi-tasker; that was the aforementioned spinning forcing my hand. But after a few decades, I was finally burning out both mentally and emotionally. I couldn't handle the hundreds of balls in the air. And I would shame myself anytime I slowed down.

So as I approach 50, with the right medication and therapy, I've finally been able to notice the trail behind me. I have achieved new clarity and acceptance. I am done putting myself through a ton of unnecessary pain. Sure, plenty of it was unavoidable biology, but today's mental health awareness is relatively advanced. Many people "get it" now, compared to what we had in the 90s. I am happy my child, my employees, and my younger friends will have a higher likelihood of success with their mental health management. And best of all, they may avoid rock bottom burnout and entirely unnecessary pain.

For as long as I can remember, I wondered if others felt the way I did every day. I wondered if there were other professionals who secretly felt like they were living in an emotional pinball game. I wondered if others felt too weak to actually become successful business owners. I wondered if others had imposter syndrome too. I wondered if I'd ever have the courage to stand in front of a crowd of thousands. I wondered if I would ever be able to talk to the c-suite.

But now, I can look back and give an emphatic YES. It's an answer that, if I would have chosen to believe it back then, would have served me much better in the 90s. If you read this article, and it inspired you in any way, I hope you'll pass on the positivity to other professionals in the same boat. Life is hard. We all have our unique problems. Some can't be fixed. But I'm now a firm believer that we can fix our mental health well enough to reach our professional (and personal) dreams. I'm not cured of depression or anxiety, but I manage it very well now. If that's as close to cured as I'm going to get, I'll happily take it.?

PS: If I can ever be of service to anyone who needs to talk, I will ALWAYS take your call even if we don't know each other. We're all in this together. Just message me.