My Mental Health Story

I’ve been worried about my mental health for many years. Sat here writing this now, it all seems so obvious, but at the time I didn’t know what was going on and whether I had a problem. This is a story about the last 5 years, but it repeated itself many times before that, so could be a story based at any time over the past 25 years.

In 2018 I attended a mental health conference hosted by Prince William who talked about his own challenges and asked everyone to write up and share their own stories. Some of you will know that I did that towards the end of 2018.

At the time I spoke about depressions I had experienced, highlighting the impact of a family suicide and the challenges that caused.

I thought I was being open about my own problems, but looking back it was about the impact someone else’s problems had on me. It was more of a story about him than me. I touched on my own suicidal idealisation, but that was not the main story. I also suggested that I may suffer from something like bipolar or borderline personality disorder, but I didn’t really know what those things meant, I didn’t seek professional psychiatric help and I certainly didn’t consider the impacts my behaviour was having on other people. I’d obviously realised that something wasn’t right, but was still hiding and wasn’t able, or wasn't ready, to share the truth of what was really happening.

At the end of the story, I spoke briefly about addiction. By 2018 I’d realised I was drinking too much, but always told myself I wasn’t an “alcoholic”. I didn’t drink secretly or in the morning, so I must be okay. I hadn’t made the link between drinking a bit too much and having a problem. In my head, I was either an alcoholic or not, and I’d decided that I wasn’t.

I was starting to suffer with some health problems, but the articles I chose to read said it was caffeine and not alcohol. I was pleased about that as I could give up coffee and carry on drinking. At that time, I decided I should also try to moderate my drinking by having some alcohol free days. For a while that seemed to be working, but the 3 non-drinking days quickly became 2, then 1 and then I was drinking every day again. Not always large quantities, but every day would end with some beers or a bottle of wine.

At the same time, I was also experiencing periods of deep depression. In between those bouts of depression, I was sometimes pretty stable, but at other times was having episodes of what I now know to be mania. I was working relentlessly (but not always effectively), often the first in the office and last out, I was in the gym most days, but at the same time eating too much, and I was always the last person to go home after a night out. I used to exist on pretty much no sleep for months on end and then normally collapse in a heap at the end of it all.

I knew something was wrong, but other than a few counselling sessions, was scared to reach out for help. I was worried that it would be viewed negatively and would impact my career. I didn’t want to be certified as mentally ill as there was (and still is) a lot of stigma, and a lack of understanding around what that actually means.

I was also worried about being told to stop drinking. In my head, I wanted to cut down, but stopping was not an option. Imagine going to a restaurant or a networking event with no wine, a cricket or rugby match with no beer, a Saturday night without a G&T, or a birthday / wedding without a glass of champagne. In my mind that was unthinkable.

A new start

In 2019 I changed jobs and spent 6 months on gardening leave. I used the time to get healthy, spend some time at home with the kids and generally chill out. I decided that would solve all my problems, and to some degree it did. My mental health was a lot better, and my mood was stable. I hadn’t had a bought of depression for months, I was being sensible, and I thought I had my drinking under control.

When I started my new job I had an immediate impact, seemingly doing really well. It felt like I was very popular with my clients, by peers and my teams. I’d gone back to a hectic work schedule, but my mood remained stable, and I wasn’t drinking too much.

But then, as time went on, I started to develop imposter syndrome. I put all the good things down to chance or other people’s good work and was worried that everything would fall apart any moment. I’d be found out and I’d fail. Every day I was scared that I wasn’t as good as the other Partners and didn’t have what it took to be successful.

I can now see that my mental health was deteriorating. It wasn’t manifesting itself as depression as it often had before, but going the other way into what I now know to be hypomania. I believed that I had to take on more and more work to be seen as valuable to the business, and I thought I had to put myself out there socially all the time to be liked. From day to day, I was scared of what my rating would be at the end of the year, I was telling myself I had to do more to avoid being put on an improvement plan. I now know that is mad, but it's where my head was at the time.

Regardless of my mood, I was constantly trying to break out of the situation. The drinking culture wasn’t so prevalent in my new teams, but I’d started to take people out for dinner and drinks, then when everyone went home, I’d stay out on my own or with other friends.

Covid…….

Then Covid hit. Covid impacted everyone and I know that most people struggled, so I didn’t want to cause a fuss. For me it was awful. I was trapped in my head. Working from home took away the things I have always relied on. I couldn’t do status updates over a coffee or thrash through problems on a whiteboard or over dinner, and I couldn’t be with people. Being with people was what gave me the confidence to continue. Being stuck at home was like hell on earth.

Everything was building up inside of me. I was starting to fall into depression again. I had to create processes to manage my thoughts and feelings. Amongst other things, I was taking the dog on two long walks a day, forcing myself to have the same lunch for 30 minutes at 12:30 every day to break the day into two manageable chunks, and starting to religiously do the weekly shop on a Friday night because it was the only way to get out amongst people.

At home we’d agreed not to drink on work nights, which became a double-edged sword. Not drinking every day was helping to manage my mood and stop things getting too bad, but it was also causing me to binge drink which is something I’d never done before.

The pressure was building, and I had to find a way to escape. I was one of the first people back into the office in 2020, posting my relief at being out again on LinkedIn. I found ways to get clients into the office, ways to go for team meals, ways to travel to other offices. All done under the guises of work (which to be fair was true), but the reality is I had to get out.

As a family, we were lucky enough to have a holiday booked for that summer, but that was about to fall through due to travel bans. I had to get away. I had to find a solution. The day France locked down; I went out into the woods late at night in torrential rain with no specific plan. I reasoned with myself that if I could book another holiday then it would be OK. I signed a contract in my head, find a holiday, or end it all. I’ve never worked so hard to find somewhere to go. Somehow, I did, and we went to Italy. It was a great holiday, but I was starting to take on more work and drink more, which probably ruined some of the holiday for the others, and to be honest I think it just delayed the inevitable.

The beginning of the end

The cycle then repeated itself. The January to March 2021 lockdown was awful. At work, everyone thought I was doing great, but inside I was destroying myself. On top of the normal problems, I had an operation on my arm that didn’t work. It was incredibly painful, so I couldn’t go outside for risk of making it worse. My dog had to be put down so I couldn’t walk him and in my head the world was slowly collapsing.

Then we were released. I wanted to get out, back into the office, anywhere. I took on way too much work, risks were raised about my capacity, but no one (least of all me) had any idea what was really going on. I was going out every night, I was determined to lose more weight, I’d found a ridiculous house I wanted to buy and agreed a huge bridging loan to do that (fortunately my offer was slightly too low), and again, I was drinking too much. I was probably still drunk in the mornings when I got to work, maybe over the limit when I was driving to the station. I’ll never know for sure. I don’t know how, but very few people seem to have noticed.

Over the last 6 months of 2021 I was behaving in ways that were inappropriate given my position, my age, and the example I should have been setting for others. I can now see that this wasn’t the first period in my working life where that had happened. I know that I’ve hurt or upset people during those periods, and I’m truly sorry for that.

It devastates me to look back on those months, and the other periods in my life when I got myself into a similar state. I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I’d had a better control on my actions, and I wish I could have gone to get help sooner, but I didn’t, and I can’t, so all I can do is ask for forgiveness.

Finally reaching out for help

Surrendering and admitting defeat is something that doesn’t come naturally to me, and I suspect many of you too. It’s always felt like giving up, like the end. In the case of mental health and addiction it’s different. Surrendering is the first step into recovery. One of the authors I’ve been reading says. “The moment your knees finally hit the floor is when you finally stop playing at life. It takes strength to admit defeat, bravery to show you are vulnerable and courage to ask for help.”

Eventually, I gave in to the doctors and the people who I now know had my best interests at heart and agreed to be admitted to hospital. After a lot of discussions, we agreed the most appropriate place would be the Priory in Roehampton as it specialised in all the areas where I needed help.

A lot of people know The Priory from what is reported in the press about the famous people who have been there; maybe assuming it’s a bit of a holiday camp or an excuse to hide from the world. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s an acute psychiatric hospital, full of very sick people who have exhausted every other option and have nowhere else to go.

I agreed to go for a couple of weeks, but ended up staying for nine. I don’t think I’d have agreed to go if I’d known it would be so long, but I guess that’s why no one told me! The reality is that it was the best thing I’ve ever done. The first few days were like hell on earth. Being shut away from my friends and family in a suicide proof room was incredibly difficult, but I don’t think I’d change it for the world.

Lying in bed listening to all the sounds going on around me, processing the fact that I wasn’t allowed any cupboard doors, picture frames, taps or even a bathroom door or a toilet seat in case I hurt myself or someone else was horrible. I knew that someone could walk in at any time to make sure I was safe; it felt like my freedom and dignity had been removed which was hard to comprehend. As the days and weeks passed, it became the new normal.

The routine became comforting, the doctors, nurses and therapists were amazing, and I’ll never forget my fellow patients. Having to share my most inner secrets with people I’d just met was hard at first, but then became something that just had to happen every day. Listening to other people’s stories was harrowing, but invaluable in understanding my own problems.

I only want to share high level details here about my time in hospital, but am happy to talk more if that would help others. I spent 5 weeks working on my mental health, taking part in a range of individual and group therapy sessions which completely changed the way I look at mental health and helped me understand some of the problems I’d been experiencing. The final 4 weeks were in rehab; working as a group to understand the impact that addiction has had on my life and the lives of everyone around me. It gave me the tools to go out into the big wide world with a different outlook and the foundations of a life of sobriety and recovery.

Mental Health and Addiction

Mental health problems are becoming more accepted as we start to understand them better. That said, a lot of areas (including addiction and mania) are still stigmatised by many. Lots of companies provided mental health training (which is great), most teach how to look for the signs of stress, depression, and anxiety so that leaders are able to spot problems and provide the help their staff need. I remember personally being able to spot these problems in others on several occasions. This is a huge step forward compared to where we were not so long ago.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe that all areas are treated the same way. I certainly don’t remember receiving any effective training on things like addiction, bipolar or many other conditions. Some time ago, I remember one of my team being diagnosed with PTSD, yet when I raised it to HR it was not taken seriously. It was difficult, if not impossible to get any concessions to support their recovery. Another suffered from ADHD, yet the symptoms were seen as disruptive.

In my case, I know that people had identified problems that are symptomatic of bipolar, yet probably didn’t realise and didn’t think to question it. On one occasion I was reprimanded by my career coach asking, “why does life with you always have to be like one big roller-coaster ride”, on another, one of my team reported that I was suicidal. My boss asked if I was OK, to which I obviously said yes. More recently I was told that I shouldn’t be open about my personal battle with alcohol as it was a sign of weakness. My drinking and manic behaviour were even flagged in performance meetings, with the feedback being “stop drinking and behave”. Unfortunately, when you are a suffering addict, or in the middle of a mental health crisis, being asked if you’re OK and told to keep an eye on things is not enough. As a society, and as managers and leaders, we must do better than that.

Addiction is another topic that is not widely talked about in the workplace. I was once asked whether I would champion addiction, as it was the one topic that no other leaders would admit to. I suspect that is probably true across most businesses. Admitting a cocaine habit, putting your hand up as someone who has lost huge sums of money gambling, or discussing the fact you think you are an alcoholic are not seen as great career moves. I have recently seen a new policy from a well-known organisation that appears to offer up an option for struggling alcoholics, but the last line states something like ‘unless it’s too bad’. That may seem reasonable, but when did you last see a policy which supported someone with a physical medical condition which was caveated by saying ‘unless it’s too bad’!

I think the most accurate summary about myself I’ve heard was from an ex-boss who knew me very well. She told a friend that I wouldn’t be successful as one day “my foibles would get me”. Nothing could have been closer to the truth.

In our society, addiction to alcohol is viewed differently to other substances. With other drugs, the blame is placed on the drug itself or those who supply it. With alcohol, no one blames the drinks companies for producing it, the film makers and TV channels for glamorising it, the supermarkets for stocking it, or the pubs and restaurants for selling it. When people become addicted, it is their fault for being weak, and not being able to use a highly addictive substance appropriately. In many studies, alcohol comes up as the most harmful of all drugs, above cocaine, nicotine and even heroine. Since going sober, I am so much more aware of how central drinking and alcohol is to our culture in the UK. Try spending a day counting the number of times you see or hear about alcohol as you go about your business.

Alcohol is the only drug that organisations like ours make available in often unlimited quantities, and then blame staff when they drink too much. Some of our offices still provide free beer and wine, most of our Christmas parties and other celebratory events are alcohol based. We take our clients and suppliers out to “build relationships” by finding alcohol centred activities and we put huge quantities through our expenses. We also create environments which play to the addict. Long hours, stressful jobs, targets, performance ratings etc, all of which are triggers to pick up and use.

Despite all of this, how many employers have in house addiction meetings, offer incentives for people to admit problems, or even make any effort to limit consumption? Some do, but not many. Some companies use a token system to limit the quantity people can drink at events, but what addict can’t find an easy way round that! and in all honesty, isn’t that normally done to reduce cost and demonstrate that a company has implemented a control measure rather than to protect the suffering alcoholic? If an alcohol dependent person works round the process then one assumes it would be their fault?

Recognising Bipolar

I’ve talked about some of my experiences living with Bipolar, but I know that it isn’t well understood, so wanted to include some details of the type of behaviours you may see in someone who is suffering. I’m hoping that this may make you curious to read more. It may also help identify symptoms in yourselves or others, which could save careers, marriages, childhoods and even lives.

The two states which someone suffering from bipolar or cyclothymia will experience are depression and mania. In my case, the latter was hypomania. Full blown mania can be much more serious, including additional symptoms such as psychotic events which is something that fortunately I have never suffered from.

This is a list of the behaviours that you may see in someone suffering from bipolar in a period of depression. It is taken from the website of mental health charity Mind :

• Not doing the things they would normally enjoy
• Having trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much
• Eating too little or too much
• Misusing drugs or alcohol
• Acting in a withdrawn way or avoiding social situations
• Spending a lot of time thinking about upsetting or difficult things
• Avoiding contacting or responding to people
• Being less physically active than usual
• Trying to self-harm or attempt suicide

Not everyone will exhibit all these symptoms, and certainly not all at the same time. In my experience, depression was a very lonely condition, and I think people experiencing it tend to be very good at concealing what they are going through which can make it hard to spot. I have personally suffered from all those symptoms during a period of depression.

I think most people have started to understand depression, but I’m not sure that is true of mania This is a list of the behaviours that you may see when someone suffering with bipolar is in a state of mania, or hypomania.

• Being more active than usual
• Talking a lot, speaking very quickly, or not make sense to other people
• Being very friendly to others
• Saying or doing things that are inappropriate and out of character
• Sleeping very little or not at all
• Acting rudely or aggressively
• Misusing drugs or alcohol
• Spending money excessively or in a way that is unusual for them
• Losing social inhibitions
• Taking risks with their safety and that of others

In my case, in the months leading up to Christmas 2021, I was exhibiting all those behaviours on a regular basis. And often to extremes.

I think mania is a much less well-known area of mental health, and these are symptoms that people are likely to have less sympathy towards and probably will be less likely to attribute to a medical condition.

Imagine if you were sat in a performance review, hearing about someone who was being inappropriate around clients or misusing drugs. Would they be offered a mental health assessment, or given a low rating? I’m sure many of you will have read that section and are currently thinking of a situation where you did worry that someone may be suffering, but be honest, how many staff have you ever sent to a psychiatrist to have an actual mental health assessment?

You will also notice that these behaviours could be consistent with someone who is merely drunk. With the correct medical assessments and examination of an individual’s behaviour over time and when sober, it is relatively easy to understand the true root cause. I suspect there are times when it is easier to blame alcohol, but I’d ask people to use caution when making assumptions like that in complex cases where a bipolar diagnosis may also be present.

It is also possible to have what is known as a "mixed episode" where an individual may experience symptoms of both mania and depression at the same time. These episodes can be particularly difficult to cope with as the suffering individual:

• May find it harder to work out what they are feeling
• May find it harder to identify what help they need
• May find managing their emotions?harder?and?more?exhausting
• Their friends, family or doctor might struggle to know how to best support them
• They may be more likely to act on suicidal thoughts and feelings

For more information have a look at the Bipolar UK website.

My ongoing recovery

It’s now 10 months since I left the Priory and recovery has been my main focus. That may sound selfish, but it’s the approach that the professionals recommend. I’ve spoken to some friends and colleagues, but explaining what has happened is hard. It’s embarrassing and I often don’t know how to reach out and start a conversation. If I should have spoken to you and haven’t then I’m sorry.

I attend addiction group meetings twice a week, and see a therapist once a week, plus time with my psychiatrist and doctors. I’ve just found a local bipolar support group run by Bipolar UK and will attend my first meeting this week which is quite a daunting prospect. This is all helpful, but the hard work must be done in my own head. Even with all these steps in place, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully fixed. I don’t anticipate ever drinking again, and I see medication and therapy in one form or another as a lifelong commitment, but I know that won’t solve all the problems all the time.

Looking back on the day I was admitted to hospital is very hard. I don’t know whether it was rock bottom, but it was pretty awful. When I came out, it felt like I was walking into a different world of sunshine and calm. In reality, that was just the start. It had given me an understanding of what was wrong and the tools to survive, but no more than that.

Since coming out I’ve had a mixture of good and bad days. In the early days, most of my therapy sessions involved a lot of tears. Not drinking has been a breath of fresh air, and the pile of tokens in the photo above are evidence of that, but at the same time there have been tough days. Days when I’ve had to fight the cravings, days when I’ve had to run away rather than watch people drink and days when I just wanted to give up. That said, there has also been many amazing days. I love the fact I don’t wake up with a hangover, I enjoy walking out of a restaurant after dinner and appreciating the fresh evening air, or the bright lights, and it’s a pleasure to watch other drunk people on the last train home, knowing that it used to be me!

From a mental health perspective, there have been days when I couldn’t see any way forward and I just wanted to end it all. I’ve had to convince the police that I was safe enough to be left alone and I’ve had to take emergency calls from doctors and psychiatrists on numerous occasions. On the flip side, I now know what’s wrong, so I can spot when things take a turn for the worse and I have the tools that I need to handle those situations.

I’m sure there will be more difficult days to come, but I know that slowly I’m getting better. I’ve not worked for over a year, but have kept busy on personal projects, working on my health, and getting involved in a lot more school activities than I would have been able to in the past. I’m hoping that things will start to become more normal in the coming months, and look forward to being able to see more of you soon. I don’t know how I’ll feel going back into the office, but I’m confident it will be just one more step in my journey.

If you’ve read this far then thank you, and I hope it has been interesting and helpful. It’s not been easy to write, and I’ve thought long and hard about whether to press the publish button. I wanted to write down and share my experiences to help with my recovery and to share some of the things that have been going on in my head over the years. I’m not trying to excuse any of my behaviour, but just give people an insight into what was happening in my head. I also hope that it will be helpful for others to read. If one person reaches out for help who would otherwise have suffered in silence, then it’s all been worthwhile.

Most people I‘ve spoken to over the past year have been amazing and I want to thank everyone who has been there for me.

Some people have chosen not to come on the journey with me, which is completely their choice. In some cases, I totally understand. I’ve upset people and burnt bridges, so I totally get why they have chosen to walk away. If that is you, then I hope maybe one day there may be a way for me to regain your trust and ask for forgiveness.

Some others have struggled to understand the concept of mental health problems and that does make me sad. Reading that people don’t believe the opinion of psychiatrists or doctors, and challenging the symptoms of a disability like bipolar has been disappointing. Being told that becoming addicted was all my fault is sad, and being made to feel like I did all of this deliberately is upsetting.

At the moment, everything is still a bit raw, but I know that over time it will get better. One step at a time, one day at a time……….