My Mental Health Journey as a Proposal Professional

I want to start by saying I’m in no way a Mental Health expert. I do not have all the answers, only my own story to share, which includes some tips on what’s worked for me.

If you are struggling right now, please don’t do so in silence. So many of us hide what we’re going through, and it only causes us more pain. I’m not saying to make broad public announcements about your mental state, but talk to your primary doctor. They can help or point you in the right direction to get help.

Each of us is different, with different experiences, expectations, hopes, and fears, but we are the same in that we have experiences, expectations, hopes, and fears.

So, if you’re feeling alone, know that you are not. If you’ve tried to get help in the past and it didn’t work out, try again. You are worth it. For yourself, for your family, for all the people who care about you and depend on you, put your mental health first.

Now, to tell you my story.

For most of my career in proposal development, I exclaimed that my innate paranoia and neurotic tendencies are what made me so good at my job (the compulsive need to check and recheck and check again ensured I caught what many others missed, and I achieved results others couldn’t duplicate). My paranoia and neurosis come from an abundance of unhealthy childhood experiences. Throughout my career in proposals, the nature of our work fostered my anxiety and other bad habits I’ll describe in a bit.

But eventually, I realized this wasn’t how I wanted to be. It was only hurting me, and what I thought helped my career was actually holding me back. So, since around 2021, I’ve been working on three new healthier habits that I’ll describe shortly.

First, a brief explanation of how I realized that I wasn’t in a healthy spot.

My Identity

I strongly identify who I am through my work. When you ask me to tell you about myself I start by discussing my career (which is very off-putting to my in-laws, btw).

While I am a wife and a mom, my career was there first and it’s what helps me support my family. So, it’s always my primary identifier. I never finished college, and I’m still not 100% sure what I’ll be when I grow up.

I’ve only ever tried to be successful in whatever I touched. And it never mattered what I did. However, some jobs were instantly ruled out. I’m a terrible waitress; after about two months of doing that, I was politely told I didn’t need to come back again.

But as an editor at a small newspaper, massage therapist, even when I was an Avon Lady…I was a damn good Avon Lady. I had 12 direct reports, each with recruits working under them. I was making my way up the pyramid. I was in my early 20s, working multiple jobs and taking night classes, and was so exhausted that I almost killed someone in a near-miss car accident. So, as you can see, my need to overcompensate goes way back.

And I do overcompensate a lot. Because of the degree, my race, my gender, my orientation, all of these things have always made me feel less than my peers and certainly less than my supervisors and bosses. Of course, a lot of that feeling is driven by what’s in my brain.

So, let's talk about my brain a bit.

I developed these fun habits probably in childhood, and they’ve only been fostered throughout my career, especially once I found proposals.

The joke was that I thought they helped me at my job. Who doesn’t want a proposal manager who’s entirely on top of everything at all times? That was my mission statement for a long time. And while it was helpful to an extent, (I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today without all that hard work…or would I?)

But self-doubt takes a toll and is so hard to break. Adrenaline seeking, while very common among BD professionals, isn’t healthy when you’re living it day to day. Much like gambling, I was constantly seeking out difficult situations. I have a 50-page proposal due in 3 days; I’ll get it done in 1! I have 10 Task Orders due next week. I’ll do it all by myself, and we’ll win each one.

These habits got to a point where I was ultimately out of control. I first realized that from the expectations I set for other people.

Because I expected so much of myself, it seemed natural that other people could do the same. I learned the hard way that’s not the case. While it’s good to have high expectations of your team members, they must also be reasonable, and mine were not reasonable.

Overall, the way I was working wasn’t sustainable. Every year, I was feeling burned out sooner and more intensely than the year before. Even starting a new job didn’t help. The burnout would be almost immediate, and I couldn’t understand why. From the age of 22 to 32, my stress tolerance (which is still higher than any non-BD professionals) started to diminish. I’m now in my 40s and have just about no tolerance left for anything anymore! However, that could also result from the pandemic, climate change, politics....

I eventually reached a breaking point.

But I didn’t break when you would have expected.?

Not when I got shingles at 32. If you know anything about shingles, you know that at that age, it’s entirely stress-induced and excruciating. I didn’t even take time off work. No one even knew about it until weeks later when I mentioned it in passing.

I would have frequent panic attacks for a couple of years; mostly, these were tied to a specific job. Hot Tip: if you have a panic attack just at the thought of going to work, you need a new job!

Even having a TIA (stroke symptoms) at the end of 2020 wasn’t the breaking point. Sure, I was terrified and thought I was going to die, but that’s nothing to do with my working habits, right? Wrong!

When I finally broke, it was from having downtime. I constantly worked at a fast pace and delivered results others couldn’t duplicate because they didn’t have my mental health habits. When I got to a point where everything was quiet and calm, I broke.

I had achieved my goal of building a new proposal department faster and better than I expected, but I was miserable. That’s when I realized I needed to change. I was unhappy because I had done my job well and felt like there was nothing left for me to do.

Finally, messages I’d received from mentors throughout my career started to make sense. Having some downtime allowed me to think about them more deeply.

So, I finally realized my mental health and career were not as symbiotic as I thought.

I was bored and burned out, and I needed to find a balance between my natural strengths and the job I loved. And I want to be clear: I do love this job. Proposal development didn’t make me the way I was. I was already that way, and I chose to foster bad mental health habits because I thought they were helping. Talk about a Class 1 Fallacy.

I embraced several ideas to help me find a better balance: using the 80% rule, welcoming delegation, and re-prioritizing.

I’m a reforming perfectionist. It is a process that takes time. I’m working on these habits every day, and it takes a commitment.

The 80% Rule

I know this is not easy to accept (I always wrote it off myself). It takes time to understand and appreciate.

But trying to reach perfection on every task is wasteful. You’re using precious energy, time, and resources that could be better spent elsewhere.

Consider the return on investment (ROI) on your own activities.

How much are you getting out of all the energy you spend on a task? Think about when you spend hours trying to perfect a document, only to have it come back completely red-lined.

I’m sure none of you have experienced that, but I certainly have, and it always made me question my approach. It builds resentment in you when you feel like you’re giving 150% and it’s not being recognized at all.

Also, consider your boss’s perspective. If you spent an entire day working on one activity while your boss has 10 tasks, and the rest of your team (whether big or small) is getting the other nine done, how does that look to your manager? Will they feel like you’re contributing the same amount?

We all talk about how perfection doesn’t exist in beauty standards, so why are we trying to reach it on our proposals? Haven’t we all caught typos in text books, novels, newspapers, magazine, and other professional publications?

I do want to point out, though, that it’s 80% for a reason. Quality is still important, and you always want to do your best, but instead of reviewing your work five times, maybe cut it down to two or three.

Sometimes, it takes me a good 30 minutes to send a single email. I’ll write it and then re-write it over and over again. Is that really the best use of my time? Is it what my company is paying me to do? Is that how my bosses expect me to spend my day on a single email that may only be a few lines?

I don’t think so.

So, I started timing myself. Once I got to 15 minutes on a single email, I had to finish it and send it or move on to another task. Eventually, I cut it down to 10 minutes and hopefully, one day I'll make it five. I’m still being thoughtful in my activity but I’m no longer spending an egregious amount of time and energy on it.

For me, being a perfectionist goes hand in hand with being an overachiever. By embracing the 80% rule, I can actually do/achieve more, and thereby, I’m more fulfilled. And I have time to learn more things and read books, not RFPs!

Now, let’s talk about another hard habit to start: delegation.

The Delegation Struggle

We’ve all probably heard the old proverb: Give a Man a Fish, and You Feed Him for a Day. Teach a Man To Fish, and You Feed Him for a Lifetime

While no one knows its origin, this saying has existed for a long time. We hear it, we understand it, and yet we rarely apply it.

We all think it’s easier and faster to do it ourselves. I used to feel the same way and heard proposal managers tell me this daily. But it’s just not true, and investing time in others saves you more time and energy in the long run.

Sure, you have to spend the time upfront showing someone else what to do and how to do it and setting expectations. But think of the ROI here. By spending time up front, in the long run, you’ll have to spend less time on this task.

Sure, the delegate may have done it differently than how it was supposed to be done the first time, but show them! Don’t fix it for them. Take the time to walk through why it should be done according to this structure and not the other. Become a mentor to your peers!

If you really can’t delegate at the moment because deadlines are what they are sometimes, use lessons-learned sessions to talk about tasks you would have liked to delegate and create a plan to do so on the next bid.

Ultimately, you should know you do not have to do everything yourself. Sure, the other person may fail, or they may not. Think about your career and how you got started. What if you didn’t have tasks delegated to you? Would you be as knowledgeable as you are now?

Quick tip: If you’re on the other side and see someone doing everything independently, start anticipating their needs. Never ask a non-delegator what they need help with. THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU! I am frequently irritated by that question. But I now answer the question as it’s intended. I also mentor junior staff when working with senior members to take on tasks. You know resumes need a template and compliance check; do it. You know we need to set up a call with the pricing team, and the proposal manager has been too busy; set up the call!

Also, if you have been delegated too much, speak up early! It’s much easier for the team to recalibrate if they know beforehand. Never wait until the last minute to raise a red flag. It’s 100% okay to ask for help, and it’s 100% okay to say you can’t help.

If you’re in a situation where everyone on the team is frequently spread too thin, talk to your upper management about it. And if they don’t hear you, proposal jobs are abundant out there.

Never feel stuck. You do have options, and you should prioritize yourself and your well-being when considering them.

Re-prioritizing

Again, in my story, it was never about reprioritizing my family over my career, which is a genuine concern for many people. For me, it was about finding a balance so I could create better mental health habits.

My first priority was to become accepting of who I am. My family already had, by the way; I was overcompensating trying to balance everything, which was causing me more stress.

Second, I needed better calendar management. I quickly felt lost and overwhelmed by personal/family commitments, work responsibilities, and volunteer responsibilities.

I now add everything to my work calendar. This lets my team know when I’m offline for a family or volunteer commitment. It allows me to communicate my schedule with my family better.

I wrote an article about time blocking at the start of the pandemic, and I highly recommend that everyone consider trying it. You don’t have to follow any specific guides. Just do what works best for you.

Last, I stick to my downtime plans. If you have the option to have a separate work and personal phone, while it’s a bit annoying to keep track of two, it’s a huge benefit. When I need to stop thinking about work, I close the office door and leave my work phone in the room. I do let everyone know when I’ll be offline and set up away messages when I’m off during regular working days.

I will also check my phone for messages in the morning and evening, but if I don’t have an urgent call or text, I DO NOT RESPOND. This is a complete change for me. I used to go on vacation, bring the laptop and phone, constantly be plugged in, and never actually relax. I’m sure none of you know what that’s like, but it’s another cause of burnout.

As a manager, I also do the same for my team. We can have enough staff so that when one of the team members goes on vacation or leave, they don’t have to worry. Even in an emergency, they don’t have to worry. We’ll do a quick status update on ongoing tasks and shift the assignment to myself or another team member. It’s critical that I don’t burn out, but my team shouldn't either.

Hopefully, some of my story inspires you to look at how you’re currently working and consider changes you can make. They don’t need to be grand changes.

Be who you are. We’re all different in different environments, and what’s worked for me may work well for you, or it may need some changes, or maybe you have to come up with something entirely different. You know yourself better than anyone else does, so stick to what you know you can do.

Consider your strengths and also the strengths of your team/company. How can they support you? And what limitations are there? Can you work around them?

Set realistic expectations. I’ve been working on these habits for years but they’re still not quite second nature and may never be. That’s something I learned in therapy. You have to work really hard and continuously to change bad mental health habits.

Knowing you have things to change and wanting to change them is the first and most crucial step. Set yourself up for success by setting realistic goals.

And do not ever stop prioritizing yourself or prioritize others above you. If you’re not well, you cannot care for your family, do your job, or much of anything. If you want to be the rock, take the time to get yourself polished.

Again, this is just my story, and steps that helped me feel less burned out and more productive while also creating a healthier mental state. If you are dealing with depression, anxiety, or otherwise struggling, please seek help. There are any number of resources that exist. Start with your doctor.

Be well & happy bidding!

?