My love-hate relationship with "diversity work" at companies.

Every year I go through the same cycle of where I stand on the whole "diversity movement" in the corporate world and people suddenly being so "woke" publicly but not making any changes at all formally.

For me, it ranges like a sinus-curve all the way from: "Maybe they are starting to get it, even though they are pretending to care more than they do to look good" to "I'm gonna shove it down their throats if they don't, every time they do it wrong" to "I' m exhausted of being the constant representative, this is going to burn me out" to "Am I the only one who actually gives a fuck about common sense, what is wrong with everyone?" to "Can we drive this without attacking everyone who brings the topic up?" to "I need to scream to make my voice heard".

I try to take time alone with my notepad to reflect on why this hurts me personally so much, and I usually land in my core values which stem from my upbringing. Safety, Inclusion, Trust and Loyalty are what usually comes up when I test my values in different tools. They explain somewhat why I feel that I need to take the responsibility and why I get angry when other people don't. One part of that is the many non-normative parts of my life as a refugee, a woman, pan, etc. Another part is the many privileges I have, having a paid engineering degree, being out of harms way, being extroverted and having water in my tap and a roof over my head. Privilege is invisible to those who have it, so I actively try to remind myself of it every day.

I try to assume good intent, but I simultaneously expect very much from the world around me, especially from leaders. With regard to my values and facilitating by being transparent, here are some of the most hurtful things that I have observed/experienced over the past couple of years:

• The leader who sits for 15+ years on a post in a company which preaches the importance of diversity and never lets a non-white, non-male take his place.
• The leader who shares articles about diversity for the visibility on social media, but gaslights and bullies younger female employees whenever they overstep the invisible boundaries he has set up.
• The leader who recruits candidates to tick off the diversity box, but explains the same candidates have only been recommended because they "look good" during an informal dinner in front of colleagues.
• The leaders who commit to the fight every day in words, but never in money to make an actual difference. They are usually the ones who share excuses instead of concrete plans.
• The board membership teacher who includes a slide with colored people to talk about representation, but when asked about giving up a spot for someone in the room, excuses it away.
• The leader who supported a woman on numerous formal occasions with respect to the diversity challenges, but harassed another female colleague when drunk.
• The diversity advocate who attacks other allies on forums for working at a certain company, when really they are trying to change things from the inside.
• The initiatives for meant inclusion of (some) minorities , which still exclude (other) minorities.
• The minority leaders who believe there is only one chair in the room, and do everything to surpress other minorities in favor of themselves.
• The manager who supports the diversity efforts in general, but when promotion times come see it as a parenthesis or a "hobby project".

These situations rip me into shreds psychologically and emotionally. It sometimes goes as far to make me question if I want to bring a child to this broken world at all. And even though I usually always land in the fact that it is worth it for me personally, I still hesitate and doubt at times with regard to what it costs me and understand the minorities who want zero part of this "diversity work" with regard to the hypocracy.

What I have commit to myself that I will do personally, and not stop doing (please give me more ideas on this if you have any):

• Provide the data needed. Female speaker lists, female board member tips, who to talk to etc. make sure to always have it handy to minimize the excuses.
• Preach measuring progress, setting up a target and comparing as a business. Preach transparency about the why, and not hi-jacking bigger questions to empower personal gain efforts.
• Practice compassion and try to understand why people seem to not understand, before I judge them too harshly.
• Bring people together, create safe spaces for minorities and give them access to privilege (share my time, my learnings and my network).
• Share my voice in rooms where the minority is not represented and speak up, even though it might backtrack my career progress.
• As I progress and "climb the corporate latter", make sure to open the doors for the people they are shut to, and bring people with me up.

This change needs to be whole-hearted, and though I'm absolutely done with waiting for it, I try to find glimpses of hope in people and light a fire in them by sharing my own concerns, being vulnerable and widening my own perspective.

I am aware that I'm a person who can come across as cold, result-oriented and harsh but my driving force is always fairness, longterm results and inclusion which is not something people will know unless I am vulnerable. Self-awareness in general is such a powerful tool in leadership - and I am lucky I get to be reminded of that when I volunteer with young people who have not yet been jaded by society.

Finally;

Would love to hear how others approach this topic, as I sometimes get stuck in my own head. Stuck with minority stress and the feel I need to apologise for myself.

Does anyone else feel this? And how do you think about it?

Best, Andjela