Do You Ever Feel Guilty About Needing "Me" Time?

In this series of posts, professionals reveal their best antidotes to work stress. Read the posts here, and then write your own (use #OutsideWork in the piece).

My daughter, the director of social media at an internet startup that is, as they say, “blowing up” (in the most positive use of that phrase), recently sent me a copy of Lena Dunham’s LinkedIn article that discussed the importance of saying “no” amidst a “culture of Yes.”

While, at first glance, the CEO of a travel management company might not have a lot in common with the creator of the HBO series Girls, this is a topic where we couldn’t agree more. I have a personality that involves a terrible fear of disappointing people, and so that naturally leads to a lot of overcommitting. This happened quite a bit early on in my career, and one day I made the connection that the times when I have been least productive and least successful and most out of sorts occurred when I had said “yes” too many times. It doesn’t matter if it’s professional or personal: if you have too many projects going on, it’s impossible to fully commit to any of them, and your well-being will suffer.

Eventually, I came to the realization that it’s OK to stop saying “yes” to everything. More than that, I’m a big believer that, in order to be a better CEO, leader, father, and husband (or whatever your personal identifiers are), you have to take care of yourself first. Specifically, take the time to do things that protect and nourish your personal foundation and that help you relax, de-stress, and that give you time to pause, think, and reflect. That may sound selfish, but it’s only when I make time for myself that I’m able to be fully present for everyone else in my life.

Figuring out how to do this has not been easy, and it’s something I’ve had to be vigilant about over the years. For me, the biggest things I do for myself are meditation and running, which I’ve written about before. I started running when my wife was pregnant with our first child; I wanted to maintain long term, good health since I was going to be a father. Even though I wasn’t out of shape, it was unbelievably hard in the beginning, and it took me a few years to work my way up to two or three miles at a time. Now, I don’t think twice about running four or five miles, and it’s one of the few areas of my life where I am not competitive. I don’t run quickly, I don’t run races, and I don’t listen to music; other than my health, I have no agenda when I run. It’s similar to meditation in that it’s very easy for your mind to free associate and go wherever it wants to go.

Interestingly, I’ve solved many problems and come up with some great solutions over the course of a run, because you can really think things through. The idea for Lawyers Travel, the small niche travel agency that became the foundation for my billion dollar travel company today, actually germinated during a run, when I was mulling over the fact that we needed something to differentiate ourselves in the world of business travel. More than that, though, I find running provides me with balance. I recently went for a run a few days after a huge, New York blizzard. Temperatures were high and everything was melting; I was literally running in giant pools of snow, with dirty, cold water drowning my ankles in mush. It was one of the most miserable experiences of my running life. But I felt really glad that I did it. You start the day feeling like you’ve accomplished something.

While I do have the luxury of being in control of my schedule most of the time, it’s also true that I have a lot of responsibilities. In order to get everything in that you need in order to create your foundation, sometimes people sacrifice sleep. They get up at the crack of dawn in order to get the workout in so that they can get to work on time. I personally don’t function well without sleep, and so the key for me is simply to be very disciplined with my time. If I can’t go for a run, I’ll find a time to go for a walk and still feel good afterwards. Look at your schedule and incorporate things wherever you can. Over the years, one of the battles that I’ve fought internally regarding my “me” time is guilt. Guilt because taking that time for me meant time taken away from things work-related or spending time with friends. I’m very, very careful with my time.

But back to Lena Dunham’s article about the “power of no;” I recently told my daughter that I find it helpful to look at my time as a series of investments. You have to learn how to say “no” because you have a limited amount of yourself to invest, and you have to invest it as wisely and as efficiently as you can. The return that you get is a business return, a social return, and a personal return. If you overinvest in relationships and activities that do not yield a positive ROI in terms of friendships or a significant other or in business — perhaps it’s time to invest elsewhere. The point is to make those little adjustments and say “no” to those things that aren’t adding value to your life; at the end of the day it’s the best way to guarantee that you realize your own worth.