My Journey Through My First Pregnancy

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. We were very blessed to fall pregnant straight away but, in my mind had thought it would take a while, so I was excited but anxious. I took the test in the morning and left it on the bedside table for my husband to see when he got home. We were both so excited but had no idea of the journey we were about to go on.

For the first 6 weeks everything was fine. Then the sickness started. I knew it was a part of pregnancy so accepted it but, I never expected it to last the whole 9 months. I couldn’t keep anything down and it made me really poorly. This made my anxiety even worse. I was so scared when I went for my 12-week scan. I heard so many negatives things about people not having a baby there and had a missed miscarriage, baby’s heartbeat stopped. I was so worried with all the sickness I had done something to harm the baby.

But everything was ok, so I relaxed for a while. Until the 20-week scan approached and then the anxiety heightened again. Is the baby ok? What if there’s something wrong? On-going into the scan baby wouldn’t move so I had to walk around for a while. The sonographer didn’t talk for a while and I was adamant something was wrong.  But again, everything was ok. Until she told me my placenta was low lying and blocking the exit out for baby. 

I went home and cried, I was told no lifting as I’m at risk of placenta abruption. I had already been having bleeding and the thought of having a c section scared the hell out of me. The pregnancy progressed ok (minus the sickness) until 28 weeks when they were concerned for her size. She was measuring really small.

So again, off I go for more scans, everything was fine but she was small. I was scanned every couple of weeks and monitored by a consultant for the remainder of the pregnancy. By this point I had the normal uncomfortableness, I was tired, heartburn but one thing I never wanted to admit to everyone was I didn’t like being pregnant. I hated it, I hated the symptoms, the baby’s movements but I loved my little girl so much.

At 37 weeks I fell down the stairs and hurt my back quite badly which made my already bad back worse. At 38 weeks my waters started leaking and I was so worried as she was small that she might need help. Over 8 hours on a drip and very quick progression from 3-10cm in 20 minutes my beautiful little girl was born. After she was nearly born in the toilet as the midwife didn’t believe I was at 10cm as first-time births never go that quick.

But things didn’t relax there. After Lily was born she had swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid and was choking on it. I couldn’t sleep through worrying about her. I’d just given birth and lost all this blood no one told me anything really about what happens. And now I’m sitting with a baby who I couldn’t get to breastfeed. No one wanted to help, I was exhausted, hurting and just wanted a shower.

After two hours I was allowed to have a shower. Well that was an experience and a half. My husband walked me to the shower room. My belly made me feel sick, my legs were like jelly and I was so weak. I could only bear it for a few minutes and had to lie back down. 

Then the loneliness set in. I was transferred to the ward at 3am and had to be on my own. I got some sleep but was so worrying about lily. She was monitored for 24 hours due to induction. So, I had to stay in the next night as well. Again, on my own. I was beyond exhausted. And now lily wouldn’t sleep, I had no idea if she was feeding properly. I just remember sitting there at 2am crying my eyes out because she wouldn’t sleep until lying on me which the hospital didn’t allow. So, at 4am I gave in and ask the staff to fed her formula.

I felt like a complete and utter failure and the depression was now starting to set in. I finally got to go home the next day. And begin our journey as a family of 3. Everything I went through in my pregnancy and birth had a massive impact on me. I did the traditional antenatal classes but know of them told you the different stories of labour and pregnancy and how not everyone actually enjoys it. 

It affected me a lot and put a strain on our relationship. I was miserable and it wasn’t until 4 years later when I trained to become an NLP coach that I realised how deeply the problem had affect me. But I was able to rid myself of depression and anxiety and that what led me to help other first-time mum’s in there pregnancy journey so they don’t have to feel alone and know they can overcome the anxiety, overwhelm and depression.