My Journey Through 2020

As I reflect on 2020 my mind is filled with so many experiences that will define me for years and decades to come. I was pushed and tested in many capacities of my life. I sought professional help in other areas. I hope that I can properly write my feelings and experiences in a way that can help me heal and grow, as well as, improve the lives of others. Looking back to January, it almost seems like remembering my first kiss or the junior prom or some other life event from decades ago. I know it was filled with hope, for an amazing year. Goals that were certainly obtainable and a brightness was shining in me like I could conquer the world. Months before I had become a father for the first time, my wife and I had moved into our first home and things seemed to be falling exactly into the places they were designed. My wife and I were tickled with our little man, Jeter (Yes, named after my childhood sports hero). I loved my job and the company I worked for. Life seemed almost too perfect.

February brought much of the same. There was great momentum at work and I was off to another great year in sales. Towards the end of the month was my first real scare as a parent, little did I know what would soon follow. My wife and I ended up in the ER with our son, he was having trouble breathing. My new set of parenting skills were reached and I began to feel just a fraction of what reality feels like for a parent. Luckily my son was okay and we were able to treat him at home with the help of our doctor. Little did I know that this was merely a sign of things to come.

We welcomed March with open arms in the Stewart house. Longer days, warmer temperatures, and maybe even a vacation. But then it hit. Like a home run off the bat of Aaron Judge, it came fast and it came hard. I'll never forget the feelings I had as I read through the news. "MLB cancels spring training", "March Madness is canceled", "Rudy Gobert tests Positive for Covid-19". One by one, headline after headline, I watched as things started to shutdown. My anxiety was real. My chest felt like it was closing in on me, my heart racing like it was in the Kentucky Derby. The life I had been accustomed to for the last 31 years all changed in a matter of days. Wednesday, March 11, 2020. I know one day we will all look back and remember exactly where we were. For me, it was the last day I worked in the office. It was that night my wife and I talked about what the world might look like in a year. Having the chance to look back, it was the last time I would be that person again.

So what does that mean to me? I've had a chance to reflect on my year and what I've learned through the ups and downs of 2020. Knowing where I started will help reflect on how much I've grown. I truly think this year was the most I’ve grown as a person during a given year. We've all heard sayings like, "pressure makes diamonds" or "you don't know what you've lost till it's gone". We nod our heads in agreeance but have we truly reflected on what those sayings mean. 2020 allowed me to do just that.

I was a man of repeatable schedules and practices. I woke up at 6:30, ate breakfast, went to work, go the gym, drive home at a reasonable hour (enough time to spend 30 minutes with my son before bedtime), eat dinner with my wife...(or alone if she couldn't wait), check emails, watch a good TV show, help with errands, and wind down for bed...wake up and do it all again. Monday night was for watching the bachelor with my wife, Tuesday nights were basketball nights, and so the story goes. It was all baked to a perfect science.

But then March 11th, 2020 happened. That was the last day I worked from the office. It was the last day of my routine. Everything I knew would completely and suddenly change. No more interaction with colleagues, no more meetings in person, laughing about an episode of the office we watched, or even just talking about the game on tv last night. It was all so different and foreign. Everything felt a little off like I was living in the "Bizzaro World" from that episode of Seinfeld.

So what? What does any of this matter if I didn’t learn or grow from March until now? During this time I've realized a few things that I never want to lose. 

First, my relationship with my wife. I love her and respect her so much more than I ever did before. Not because of what she does or because she's done more or anything out of the norm. But because I'm able to see how much she does for our family. We are in this together, whether you're a stay-at-home mom or you have a job, none of this is easy.

Second, my relationship with my son. I can't believe that I missed so many moments of my son’s life while I was at work. Instead of reliving these memories through photos and videos from my wife's phone. I was able to witness firsthand a lot of my son's "firsts". I was there for the first time he walked and the first time he went up the stairs. And I started to realize all the things that I could have missed.

Third, we are all in this together and we are all human. I've been on calls with executives from around the world. And you know what? They have distractions too. Some had to pause and help their child with homework. Or put the microphone on mute because the dog was barking too loud. Whatever the situation was or wherever we have to work, we are all doing our very best to do our jobs.

Fourth, My relationship with God is important and needs to be nurtured. Like many, I found myself on my knees in prayer. Praying for understanding, praying for guidance, praying just to talk to someone that might know how I feel. Regardless of your faith or beliefs, I hope you found time to reach out and search deeper in the universe to get a stronger connection to what you believe in. I know that as I did this, I found more compassion for the others around me. We truly never know what someone else is going through.

Lastly, we can do hard things together. Early during the pandemic things weren't so bright. I found myself doing a lot of souls searching. I felt confused, scared, and ultimately lost. I was able to seek help. Through the help of professionals and those closest to me, I've found hope. I've found that we are stronger together than we ever could be alone. And I've realized that I'm not the only one to change a diaper in between calls, or mute my microphone when the background noise is too loud. I'm not the only one that has struggled or will.

I've found that 2020 was a great year. That doesn't mean that it didn't come with challenges or that I didn't get Covid-19 (I did, but that's a story for another day). It just means that the sun is going to come up tomorrow. That we can lean on each other and make tomorrow better than today. In the words of the late Kobe Bryant, "Happiness is such a beautiful journey, it has its ups and downs...things are never perfect, but through love, you are able to persevere.."