My Journey with Mental Health

The words written are my own and a story about me, nothing written is an absolute, but is about the journey I’ve been through and what helped me to get there.

I’ve always struggled with my confidence, from as far back as I can remember, this seemed to turn me into a “people pleaser”, as I thought that by doing things that people liked or wanted (even if it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted to do), I’d do it to gain acceptance. I’ve never been one to openly talk about my feelings for fear of upsetting someone, but I always want to help others when they’re feeling low.

Throughout my working life this under confidence then began to manifest into imposter syndrome and anxiety when it came to new challenges. I think this took a while to really manifest itself within me, as whenever I’ve said to people that I’m very low confidence the response I always got was “well you’d never know, as you come across so confidently when I’ve seen you”. Whilst this was lovely to hear, it never detracted in my mind. When the Covid-19 pandemic hit the UK and we were forced to work from home I first of all saw this as a positive, my wife (fiancé at the time) and I had just bought our first flat together in Surbiton, just outside of London, which was perfect for us! I thought that working from home would be great as our previous rental was very small in Canary Wharf with no outside space.

However, I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped to look at how much that period of time did affect me, I had almost a comfort blanket round me when it came to working, presenting in meetings suddenly wasn’t as daunting as it used to be because I could hide behind a camera now. I began to start to really resent my job and got increasingly demotivated with what I was doing. I knew that I needed to leave, as I was very much stagnant in the role and could have quite easily cruised along at my level, but I could feel I was becoming depressed. As I mentioned at the beginning of this, I’m not one to talk about my feelings, even with my wife, so everything I was feeling just sat on me like a lead weight. I had attempted Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) part way through the pandemic, however I found it difficult to connect with my therapist because I wasn’t being open enough about my thoughts and feelings, so I gave up with it.

It was in November 2021 when a recruiter approached me about an opportunity at a consultancy called Projective UK that might be of interest… I did some research and I thought this would be the clean break I needed, I could continue to bury my thoughts and feelings and they’d just eventually disappear, how wrong I was. As I got further through the process, I could hear the little voice in the back of my head coming to the forefront saying, “you can’t do this, this isn’t for you, stay where you are”. I was lucky enough to be offered a job, at that point, I went into complete panic mode. I didn’t want to accept the job because of this paralysing fear of failing as I thought the role was going to be too much for me and out of my comfort zone. So, I did the best thing I could…I buried my head in the sand, delaying giving a response to the offer for as long as possible so I could go back to feeling “normal”.

I spoke to my wife and close family, whose opinions really mattered to me, all of whom said “oh what an opportunity! You’d be great at it! Go for it!”, all the while I was tearing myself to pieces in sheer terror at the prospect of this new job. It came to a head when I was presented with a potential client role that was out of my comfort zone, after the call I walked into my wife in panic and broke down in tears, because I was so overwhelmed and unable to rationalise my thoughts anymore. I called my uncle and auntie, who I have a lot of admiration for and explained what had happened, I broke down on the phone to them again about it all. I will always remember the words that saved me that day were when my uncle said “Dunc, you don’t have to do this if you’re not ready for it, and you don’t seem ready for it”. I had the biggest sense of relief hearing that, I just couldn’t stop crying.

I contacted the recruiter and asked for the contact details of the lead with regards to the job offer. I explained what had gone on and that I couldn’t accept the role as a result because I needed to deal with my mental health properly. The response I received was so powerful and the emotional intelligence to the situation was something I won’t forget. My expectation was for the job offer to be taken away and that would be that, but to my surprise, the job offer was left open for me, if I was still interested, whilst I started my journey again through CBT to help me deal with what was going on.

I knew that I needed to really give my everything to CBT this time, so I spent a lot of time looking at local therapists to me, that I could go to in person (the lockdown restrictions were lifted by this stage) and speaking to them to see if I could gel with them and them with me. I eventually found someone who I felt I could work with. I was going once a week to discuss everything that was going through my head, things from my past that I didn’t realise were having such a detrimental effect on me, as well as finally feeling comfortable to open up about my thoughts. Some of the key takeaways for me that I think have been a huge benefit:

1.???????There is no shame about mental health and asking for help. For me, I thought talking about my thoughts and feelings was a weakness, that people would think I was making it all up and mental health “wasn’t a real thing”. Everyone I’ve spoken to about my journey I’ve been open with, and the acceptance has been amazing, the support from colleagues, friends and family was overwhelming to be honest, in the best possible way. The people who truly care for you will always support you!

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2.???????Talking does help. I felt it was far easier to talk through my mental health with a complete stranger, simply because they didn’t know me, I felt there was no judgement or blame and I could literally say anything to them without the worry of someone else close to me knowing what was discussed. For some people, it maybe better to be open with that one friend or family member who they’re close to, that’s amazing! Whatever you do, open your mouth to someone, it really does make all the difference.

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3.??????Don’t be afraid to say no. As I’ve always been a people pleaser, I found it hard to make boundaries for myself for fear of upsetting someone else, which then meant I was neglecting my own boundaries. Whilst I still have challenges today with this, I’m much more likely to tell someone no, or explain why I might struggle with something, so they understand MY values as well, it’s a two-way street! Be kind to yourself.

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4.??????Your thoughts won’t ever disappear. Sounds strange to say that, but I still have nervous times when it comes to certain things, joining a new client, presenting to people, all of which I still have that voice in my head saying “oooo this could go wrong!”, but now I have the tools to recognise when this happens and how to deal with it my way. I’ve learnt to accept these thoughts, but then logically look past that panic and ask myself “where have I succeeded in the past in moments like this”. I also look at how far I’ve come in my life and what I’ve achieved, I have found a sense of pride for the first time!

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Today, as I mentioned, I still have these negative thoughts, however I can work through them a lot better than I ever could have previously without having CBT. I'm also becoming ICF accredited as a transformation coaching, something I don't think I'd have ever thought about without going through this journey. I feel it allows me to understand people who maybe going through similar struggles as I have/do a little more. Writing this blog has made me realise that another tool to add to my armory is to begin journaling, as putting my thoughts down on paper has really helped release my worries. If my story resonates with anyone, I’m always happy to talk to people about it to help kickstart your journey too ??. I’m okay now, and you will be too.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #job #happiness #talk #coaching