My Journey Back to Hell. Is it 2017 or 2015?

I’ve locked myself away in my room completely alone with nothing but total darkness and dangerous thoughts for company.

Apparently it’s 2017.

But it feels like 2015.

I feel heavy and lethargic.

All I want to do is sleep.

Sleeping is the only thing that seems to bring me joy.

I don’t actually think it’s joy I’m experiencing it’s just a temporary numbing of the pain.

Then I eventually wake up and realise that this is my reality.

This is actually happening.

It’s happening again.

How is this even possible.

This can’t be happening to me.

I “beat it”

I’m the guy who beat it.

I’m the the guy who helps other people beat it

How did I end up back here?

It feels like I boarded a plane in Madrid and landed in Edinburgh, but the date is December 2014.

I was excited about coming home, but completely unaware and oblivious to the impending doom that was about to hit me like a ton of bricks.

It feels like I’ve time travelled back to the darkest period of my existence.

Where did it all go wrong?

I suppose it’s best to start with the place it always goes wrong.

Me.

All self inflicted, all down to my actions and all down to me being unable to remember the things that got me into this mess in the first place.

Everyone knows how excited I was to come for Christmas.

I was literally counting down the days.

When I left Scotland on 26th May, I was under the illusion that Scotland was the problem.

That I had to leave and that I could never be happy here.

That illusion was quickly shattered when I had the realisation that maybe I was the problem and that all my issues with Scotland were actually issues with myself.

I thought I wanted to be back in Scotland for good. But then had another realisation that Scotland wasn’t going anywhere and I did infact want to complete the challenge I had set myself.

After a long and tiring few months on the road cycling through Scandinavia and then Western Europe I was starting to get homesick again and counting down the days until my return to bonnie Scotland.

I couldn’t wait to get home.

It had been a long and tiring year on the road and I couldn’t wait to let my hair down a bit and have some much needed fun.

But this is where the main issue starts to present itself.

2016 was the year where I managed to find happiness and some meaning to continue living.

2015 was the worst year of my life and the year where my life did almost come to an end.

The main distinction between 2015 and 2016 was the way I approached life.

How I acted, behaved, thought and approached those years was like night and day.

in 2015 when I had a real breakdown I was making things a million times worse for myself by self medicating with drugs and alcohol at the weekend.

That was a recipe for disaster which led to the suicide attempt that year.

In 2016 I massively transformed my life by massively transforming my lifestyle.

I stopped drinking, I started exercising, I started focusing on my health, I started reading and learning about mental health and I had a brilliantly positive approach and attitude to life.

I managed to find happiness by giving up the things that made me unhappy and doing more of the things that made me happy.

So the biggest problem this Christmas has been that I thought I could come back home and do things that previously made me deeply unhappy under the pretence that I could still somehow be happy.

It was never going to end well.

I came home and just fell back into my old ways.

Drinking alcohol, eating like a pig, not exercising, sitting about my room all day glued to my phone and furiously scrolling through social media sites looking for some type of escape.

I came home and done all of the things that make me unhappy, whilst doing none of the things that made me happy.

Looking at it now and having it written down in front of me for the first time, it just seems to bloody obvious I don’t know how I would’ve ever even considered I could have came home this Christmas, acted the way I have and still had a good time.

The problem is that I believed my own hype.

I believed that I had come so far in 2016, changed my life so much, got so much healthier an happier and I honestly believed that I had beaten this monster and could come back home and still drink alcohol and have a good time.

But being really self-aware I’ve always known alcohol was the thing that was holding me back so much.

It’s been staring me in the face for 18 months now and It’s finally dawned on me that if I want to be happy in my life me and alcohol need to part ways.

For now anyway.

It’s been very painful for me trying to face this fact and for the last 18 months I’ve continually tried to avoid the thought.

There was no way I could give up alcohol

How could I?

Alcohol has been my life.

My whole identity has been based around alcohol.

I’ve always tried to be the guy who was always up for a good drink and a laugh and getting up to all sorts of nonsense whilst up the pub or out on a saturday night.

Who would I be without alcohol?

Would people still like me?

Would people not think I’m boring now if I was sober.

These were all the horrible thoughts going through my mind.

The biggest thing holding me back is that I’ve always absolutely loved alcohol.

From the ages of 14-24 my number one favourite thing in the world was drinking.

You would have struggled to find a guy who loved a night out more than me.

I honestly loved nothing more than a day out in the pub, going out at night, going on holiday to Ibiza or spending 4 days in a field drinking beer at a music festival.

So facing this new truth that I’d have to give it up was incredibly painful.

It was like losing the one thing I loved the most about life.

I can remember a time in Norway where I’d been staying with a host at the weekend and they took me out in their town for a drink and the next day I was absolutely rock bottom.

I felt so bad and had crippling anxiety.

I was resigned to lying in their guest bedroom the whole next day in complete darkness.

That was the day it really hit me that I knew I had to give it up.

I can remember sitting that day crying on my own.

I was crying because I knew I had to give up the thing I loved most in the world.

The thought of living my life without nights out and spending days in the pub with my friends really terrified me.

So I’ve known for a while I had to give it up.

But as I said I really struggled because of my love for the lifestyle.

But something very interesting happened whilst being home that I think was a real blessing in disguise and will allow me to transition on to this chapter of my life.

I stopped enjoying drinking.

That’s right.

As much as I drunk this Christmas, I very rarely enjoyed it.

Except for the first night back and maybe Hogmanay, I very rarely enjoyed my time back here drinking and being out.

The reasons those nights are exceptions is because I was that drunk that it’s hard not to enjoy yourself when you are that intoxicated.

I was out maybe 6 or 7 over Christmas and New Year and the majority of that time can be summed up by me sitting with a pint, absolutely miserable, looking around my surroundings and thinking

“Why the hell am I back here?”

It just felt different.

It never felt right.

Everything about coming home has been slightly weird or felt unusual.

Almost everything I was excited for was a let down.

The thing is that I knew it instantly.

I knew it the moment I stepped off the plane.

I knew it the moment I walked through my front door

I knew it when I walked back into my local pub for the first time in 6 months.

I knew something was different.

I knew something had changed.

You see it was me.

I’ve changed.

I’m not the person I was when I left Scotland.

I’ve knew it for months but I was struggling to accept it.

It’s not that I didn’t want to change.

Not at all.

I wanted it badly.

I love the new me.

But if I’m really honest I was scared.

Scared what people think of me.

Scared people would think I was different.

Scared to lose friends who struggle to understand or relate to the new me.

Scared people would think that I’m not the same person anymore.

But the fact is that I’m not.

I can’t deny it any longer and I need to embrace the change as well as accept some of the things that come along with it.

I no longer enjoy doing the things I used to love doing.

I don’t enjoy sitting in the pub all day drinking.

It doesn’t do much for me anymore and I know the amount of pain and misery it will cost me for 1, 2 or even 3 days afterwards.

I've came too far to just go back to feeling the way I used to feel.

Last year I got a glimpse of a new life.

A new life full of fun, happiness and adventure.

A new life where I was happy.

I was healthy.

I was fit

I had energy to do things.

I wasn't lying about my paralysed by fear on a Sunday.

I started enjoying Monday mornings for the first time in my entire life.

I was able to cycle for 5 and 6 hours a day without breaking a sweat.

My body was changing and I was starting to feel confident about my appearance.

I no longer hated myself.

I was proud of the work I was doing and what I was achieving on a daily basis.

I was in control of my life and living life to the full on my own terms.

I found a passion for cycling, for travelling, for meeting new people, for hiking and walking through beautiful nature, for writing, for reading, for trying to make a difference and giving back something to society.

I found a new life where I woke up every day with a spring in my step, happy and excited, feeling like I had a purpose and a real reason to be alive.

I’ve not had that in years.

I’ve been lost and looking for something to cling on to.

I’ve finally found it.

I’ve found a passion for a subject I’ve struggled so much with my whole life.

I’ve found a passion for learning about the mind, exploring happiness and trying to share my experiences with others through my writing, videos and public talks.

I’ve finally found myself.

For now anyway.

With each addition mile I cycle.

For each additional country I cross.

I’m exploring more about myself and learning more about who I am.

I’m changing more and more each day and it’s incredibly exciting.

This isn’t actually a new me.

It’s a part of me I’ve had my whole life.

I’ve always been interested in personal development.

I’ve always been interested in bettering myself, setting goals and trying to become the best version of myself.

I’ve always wanted to be a leader, to stand up for what I believe in and to try and make a difference in the world.

I just never had something to shout about before.

But now I do.

I’ve got something that I want to shout from the rooftops.

I have a message, a cause, a real movement to spearhead and get behind.

I’ve learned how to beat depression and I want to help others do it too.

I’ve fell back into a depression these last few weeks because I’ve fell back into living my life how I used to live it.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

If you want extreme results you have to take extreme actions.

I have to put myself in the best position to succeed.

I haven’t being doing that lately and it’s time to go all in.

I’ve got so many opportunities ahead of me. I’ve found a real calling in life and stumbled upon a real passion.

But if i don’t cut out all the nonsense and get my act together I’m taking a risk that I never fully live up to my potential and spend the rest of my life thinking “what if”

When I begun this post a few days ago, I was majorly depressed.

Now as I finish it on Tuesday afternoon, I’ve made another transformation and managed to get back in control and feel happy.

It’s not randomly happened.

Theres no coincidence here.

Theres only one thing different from now and from then.

I took action.

Over Christmas and New Year I was drinking, eating unhealthily, not exercising, not reading, not meditating, not thinking positively and not putting myself in the best decision to succeed.

But now?

This morning I woke up majorly depressed still and decided to take action.

It was time to get back on track.

To stop procrastinating.

To stop putting off and avoiding things I know that make me happy.

So what did I do?

I jumped out of bed, I got dressed and I got back on the bike.

I went out a cycle and kickstarted my 2017.

Finally.

I decided to eat healthily, I tidied my room, I got out the house, I got fresh air, I even organised a counselling session with Smile Counselling in Bathgate and cycled through and got all of this stuff off my chest.

Cycling back home I felt like a new man.

The man I knew I could be.

Proactive, in the zone, happy, determined, and with a new plan for 2017 that has some real accountability for me.

Something I’ve seriously lacked in the past.

2017 is my year.

2016 was my year.

But this year will be even bigger.

This year I'm aiming to cycle over 12,500 miles through 30 countries in Europe.

I need to be prepared for that both mentally and physically and as I said before ensure I am in the best position to succeed.

I’m setting myself some huge huge goals that I’m going to share with you too for some accountability for myself and because I know these issues and challenges I face are ones faced by many of the people who follow my journey.

It’s time for me to go all in on this new chapter of my life.

There’s an era of my life which I enjoyed massively between the ages of 14-24 but it’s over now.

I struggled to accept it for the last 18 months, but coming home has really shown me it’s over.

The party is over.

It’s time to go home.

It’s now only by letting go that I can fully evolve into this next chapter of my life.

I couldn’t fully access it before and kept tripping myself up because I wasn’t fully committed to it.

I wasn’t all in.

As sad I was to accept it was over, it doesn’t come close to the excitement I have for the next chapter of my life.

It’s time to become the person I was always destined to be.

The party might be over, but it’s now time to really start living my life.

So as you can imagine, the number one goal I’m tackling this year is alcohol related.

My biggest goal for 2017 is to spend a whole year thriving in sobriety.

That’s the big breakthrough goal.

The goal that if I can achieve it makes all of the other goals possible.

This isn’t an impulsive decision because I’ve had a lot to drink the last few weeks or a new year new me type of resolution.

I started considering the idea 18 months ago and in the last 4 months have been seriously considering it as an option.

It sees like such a huge daunting goal. Especially for someone who has been dependent on alcohol for happiness his whole adult life.

But I’ve made huge progress on it already last year.

Aside from my time back home this Christmas and when I stopped in Finland for 3 weeks I basically done the year sober.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I drunk in 2016 aside from those two periods.

Ok maybe 2 hands but you get the point.

Compare that to 2015 where I was drinking 3/4 times a week minimum, you can then see the real progress I’ve made.

Alcohol is the single biggest thing holding me back from who I want to be and unleashing my potential.

It’s time to say goodbye for a year to sort out my shit.

I’ve learned how important my physical health is to feeling good and it’s time to put my physical health first for the first time in my life.

No if’s no buts

I’m just taking 1 year out to go all in and sort out my health.

Get the body I’ve always wanted.

Get the energy levels, fitness and overall health I’ve always wanted.

Because once I get that I know everything else falls into place for my other dreams and goals.

To help others and do what I want to do with my life I need to be as healthy and happy as possible.

When I’m happy and healthy there’s no stopping me. I’m on point, crazy levels of ambition and drive.

When I’m that happy I don’t think about myself, I’m constantly thinking of ways to give back, to provide more value and help more people.

But when I’m unhappy all I think about is myself and how to solve my problems.

I don’t want that anymore.

I want happiness.

Consistent and non conditional happiness.

I want levels of happiness I’ve seen this year, but constantly and without all the occasions I go off the rails.

It’s not to say I need to be happy in every waking moment.

There will obviously be low points, low moments or low days.

But it’s important that I don’t let myself fall back into my old ways and act and behave in a way that contributes to me sinking back into a proper depression.

So my health is the number one priority this year.

I’m finally going to sort out my health once and for all.

Both my physical and mental health.

They’re very closely linked and I’ve found that for me personally I can’t have good mental health without good physical health.

So the plan is to do a year away from alcohol, eating a healthy and balanced diet and doing some form off excercise every single day in order to get my health and body where in top condition.

For my mental health I’m trying to enforce the positive habit of meditating every single day, writing a daily journal, starting weekly counselling, reading and spending my free time offline.

What I mean when I say spending my free time offline is having a break from social media.

I’m still going to post all of my updates and share The Tartan Explorer journey but I won’t be using social media for personal consumption or entertainment.

I’ve realised this year I’m hugely addicted to my phone and social media. Checking it first thing in the morning, checking it last thing at night, sitting on it for hours and hours.

It doesn’t make me happy, I always feel worse after I’ve been on it and I’m giving it up and instead going to have a year where i spend my free time reading, writing, working on Tartan Explore projects, getting outside, hiking, cycling and even listening to music and trying to just have some down time without being online.

So these are my main goals and aims for the year and over the coming weeks I’ll share more on each of the individual goals.

I’m totally ready for it, I’m more determined and focused than I’ve ever been and I can’t wait for the year ahead.

I’m looking forward to sharing and documenting my journey as I don’t think theres anyone following what I do who couldn’t benefit from some of the things I’m working on.

So that’s my time back at home summarised, that’s my plan and vision for the year outlined.

If you got this far thank you for reading and giving up your time to follow my work.

It’s been an incredibly difficult few weeks for me, but as always I’ve learned so much about myself and if I never came home I wouldn’t have learned any of these things about myself so I’m so glad it’s happened.

"The night is always darkest just before the dawn"

I was introduced to that quote last year by someone who I met and it’s stuck with me ever since.

It’s so true.

As always theres always positives to take and I think these last few weeks will really be the making of me.

This was the period where I sunk so low and thought enough is enough ,I refuse to live my life like this anymore and it’s time to take control.

2017 is going to be an awesome year, I’ve got huge plans and I can’t wait to share them with you over the coming week.

16th of January I fly back to Madrid to get back on the bike and get things underway.

I’m back.

The clouds are disappearing.

The sunshine and blue skies are reappearing.

I hope 2017 is a great year for you too and I wish everyone the very best with their own goals, plans and dreams.

If there’s ever anything I can do to help anyone, please don’t hesitate to message me.

I’m always happy to chat, give advice or point you in the direction of any books, resources or practices that have helped me.

2017 you’re ours.

Let’s do this.

The Tartan Explorer