My Journey with Anger Management

MY ANGER AND ME..A REFLACTION

(Reflaction = Reflective Action ??. Not a typo)

This is an expressed emotion we see around us, whether in the corporate world or at home.

We see it as road rage, bosses shouting at their team members, spouses at each other, parents and kids and often vice versa. It appears to be an all pervasive phenomenon.

We all understand at one level that anger is not good for us. But we seem to be helpless in its throes. Whilst it serves as a pent up emotional release, it leaves us drained and often guilty, leaving a lot of lot of destruction and hurt as an aftermath.

Today I felt like sharing my own journey with it.

I have grown up having a huge amount of anger inside me. Whilst my team members who have worked with me in the corporate world, have experienced it the least, my peers, managers and family members have definitely seen the b(e)ast of it. I am not sure what the cause is/was but, during a hypnotherapy session and in some personal reflection, I can confidently say that a significant aspect of it came from being molested, not once but twice. The first time I gained a huge amount of weight arouhd my waist, between the age of 6 to 7 (I was told much later that this the body's way of creating safety from a felt emotional trauma). The second time, I was 11, and perhaps felt a deep seated anger toward people in authority figures and systems (being molested by my father's boss and no one could do anything about it because of his seniority.)

But I don't think this is the entire story. I feel I have been a victim of angry outbursts because of my lack of management of emotions. I don't think anyone teaches us that. We see many people around us doing so and we start feeling that this is an acceptable thing to do. And then, when we start doing it, we almost feel a sense of entitlement. We see our father lose it and we tell ourselves or him that we learnt this from him after all. Almost as an entitlement, in defiance and non acceptance of this being a fallacious learning rather than something wonderful.

This anger has had many a backlash on me, personally and professionally. Your family members can be a lot more forgiving than the corporate world but their patience also has a limit. This understanding, however, mostly comes in hindsight.

Anger also makes you obstinate because, if you are in a position of authority, it is 'my way or high way'. I can't and won't stand deviation from the way I want it to happen. People won't give you feedback even if you ask for it because they fear a backlash if they do. And no one wants to bell the cat, at least in the corporate world.

There is an interesting and positive sidelight to this emotional charge within though. It often gives you the energy to pursue certain goals with perseverence and resilience, to extraordinary lengths. In my case, this goal has taken the shape of fighting for a cause, battling against the bigger system which is either exploiting us or doing us wrong. I have observed myself become a crusader against poor quality of service, exploitation of the downtrodden or minority (stray dogs even, for example), putting enormous amounts of energy behind 'righting' the 'wrong' as it were. I am constantly enhancing my circle of influence 'to do good', perhaps to compensate for 'the bad' that happened to me.

There are no magic pills to deal with one's anger. Sometimes it is there in us because of past experiences that left a deep scar in our subconscious. Often it is simply our inability to deal with the strong emotions that arise when our expectations are not met. We either face fear, frustration or disappointment and all these roads can lead to anger.

The first step is to recognize it in me, become aware of it and to realize how it not just impacts external relationships but eats me up from within too (ulcers, hypertension, heart attacks are just some examples).

I have personally used 3 antidotes. Which only act in the long run if one has been practising it for some time.

One is to build a muscle of Mindfulness. A simple breath awareness practice done regularly and routinely is a great aid. The idea is not to meditate for long hours but to have a frequent practice (3 to 5 times, 1 to 3 mins at a time) over a period of time. This allows you to access that breath the moment you feel the emotion welling up. You will still lose it sometime but you will begin to see more moments when you are able to control the outburst if not the emotion of anger. And that is a huge first step toward maintaining equanimity when you possibly don't get angry even though an emotion of anger does pass through.

The second is to deeply understand the principle of "My business, your business and God's business". The way you behave is your business but how I deal with it is my business. My expectations arise when I want things to happen in a particular way and they don't. But mostly this is the situation because things are happening as a part of someone else's business or God's business. My business is to accept this to be so and make peace with it. The muscle building practice enables me to do so.

The third is to practice 'rejection' in the way Sri Aurobindo's yogic philosophy teaches us. This is to offer my anger to the divine to do whatever it deems fit with it. This could include diffusing the energy, transcending it or channelizing it to do something beyond myself which is best for the world.

Another one, that is not my default or acquired setting, but I have become aware of it, is to be able to see and receive something in curiosity and wonder rather than in judgement. So, if someone is doing something "wrong" as per me, simply examining that in curiosity and wonder might generate empathy rather than anger.

Lastly, perhaps the most powerful fix of the moment is to be able to take a pause or find a way to physically, actively withdraw from the stimulus that is causing my emotions to start bubbling. This point of outburst can be reached rather rapidly so I must recognize and initiate withdrawal pretty fast.

The ability to pause is indeed a powerful practice. If I am able to somehow access 'presence'/'wisdom' with my pause, I would be able to diffuse my anger or prevent outbursts. The practice of mindfulness certainly aids this access ability.

If I can physically withdraw, I would definitely create less damage and wounds, at least externally. I can sulk as much as I like in isolation which would still be damaging internally but at least it would not affect my relationship in the moment and prevent hurtful things from being said. If I can genuinely pause, then I even manage to damage control internally.

In the past, I have sometimes used the practice of simply hugging a tree and yelling out loud as if to rid myself of that emotion. It can be pretty settling if one finds the residue of this emotion of anger inside oneself.

I must say that, whilst I may have a better hold on my anger management than before, I am a long way away from home.

In conclusion, I would say that, whilst residual emotional charges can often make you a highly passionate crusader or achiever, anger is perhaps one of the worst enemies we can shelter within us, especially if we are unable to harness or diffuse that charge. It has short and long term damages, both internal and external.

Just our beginning to understand this is a great first step. We don't have to over think the root cause. Figuring that out only helps the mind reach a sense of completion but does little to release anything. That is an independent process. Mindfulness/breath awareness practice is a good way. Sometimes taking support of alternate energy healing practices like hypnotherapy, past life regression, transgenerational healing, family constellations, inner child work etc. may be available to us. If we can believe in their power, we may even be able to use them to our advantage.

Do what you like or what. Just don't ignore it please.

All the best with your journey with your anger.

Vinit

2.8.2022