My issue box was full #WorldSuicidePreventionDay

On the 21st December 2019 I had my first, most significant wobble to date.?The box that had stored up all of those ‘I cannot be dealing with you right now’ issues was finally brimmeth and it overflowed, spilling unresolved issues into my consciousness, all of which had been suppressed over many years.?Childhood, separation, poor choices, anger, bereavement, regret, loss, military experiences, sounds, smells and significant survivors-guilt; it was suffocating and encased me. I didn’t feel suicidal but I was in a very, dark place.

I woke up that morning apprehensive of the days event ahead, a good friends fathers funeral.?Throughout my military years, the three of us had gone out drinking together and explored some of the sights and sounds of the Welsh Valleys.?It was going to be a sad day but nothing would have stopped me being there to provide moral support and for me to show my last respects.?In the back of my mind I knew full well it was going to remind me of the sudden and very tragic death of my father in my mid-twenties, but that was in ‘the box’, that had already been ‘dealt with’ or so I thought.?This sad event was the unfortunate trigger for me, another issue into the box but this time the box was full.

To date I’d never spoken out, ever, why would I have, that was weak, right? I had been formed in the mould of just ‘man-up’ and ‘toughen up’ when times had got tricky.?That’s what we did, that’s how we soldiered on.

Like many people I know, my pride and assumed status in society among family, friends, both in the military and my civilian workplace, had convinced me that no matter what, I could not lower the veil. I am a provider, a senior leader, people come to me for help, I solve problems, I make issues go away; how on earth could I be the one asking for help, the perception just wouldn’t be right……….most importantly, I’d lose peoples respect.

After several weeks of being nothing more than a shell of my former self, I was lacking in my duties of a father and a husband, defaulting to work induced self-medication.?I was fortunate enough to recognise this wasn’t going to solve itself and recalled some mental health training which I had ironically presented to my team many years before.?It was time for me to watch The Black Dog video (link below), this urged me to seek help.?

Much like this post, it took immense courage and self-discipline to finally ask for help and for me to explain what had happened to my wife, a work colleague and some close friends.?Having recounted this to a good friend only this week, it reconfirmed my commitment in sharing this with a view of helping others.??

My takeaway point from all this is to, SPEAK OUT.?Prior to my episode, I would have never opened up like this at this risk of being labelled weak.?If you have negative thoughts or comments about people sharing their emotions and issues, I have no time for you.

Some powerful words I read earlier on this platform:

‘I’d rather make time to listen and help you with your issue, than to make time to attend your funeral’.

Since leaving the military I’ve been shocked and saddened at the number of serving military and veteran suicides.?Eager to help and support my former brothers and sisters, I joined The Buchanan Trust last year as a Trustee; we provide stability and training to help our veterans at a time when they need us most.

My final and closing words - please take care of yourselves and each other.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCd6LPzWscc

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay