My Husband Is Withdrawing From Me (My Husband Is Pulling Away From Me)

My husband is withdrawing from me - My husband is pulling away from me.

Even when your best friend acts distant, you can take it but when your husband acts not in the 'predictable' manner, you press the panic button. Why? Of course, you are not living with your friend under the same roof but with someone as close as your husband, you cannot accept that 'your husband is emotionally distant'.

But when you are faced with the dilemma that your husband is emotionally distant, your first step is to know why he is behaving the way he is. Here is some food for thought:

o Every marriage goes through the honeymoon, stability and collapse phase. Each of these phases has its own characteristic symptoms. If you expect that your husband of a couple of years would still shower you with flowers and chocolates every other day, you need to visit a shrink.

o If you constantly feel that your husband is emotionally distant, you should try to engage him in a one-on-one conversation with you and express your concerns. During this important dialogue, be alone with him without kids or any other external interference. Make him feel comfortable and make the environment conducive for exchange of confidential matters. Be prepared to hear a lot about your inadequacies and incompetence if these are the reasons for him to distance himself.

o Otherwise, during this talk, your husband would open up gradually regarding issues at work, career, finances or even his health which are bothering him.

o Men are poor at keeping too many complicated thoughts or problems in their heads. Either they solve them or bypass them and continue with their lives. But if something sensitive bothers them, they immediately shut themselves up from the closest person in their lives. So when you feel that he is emotionally distant, chances are that you have a major role to play in pushing him away from you. It could be your natural deportment, attitudes, inability to pay him attention and so on.

o Check all these issues and attend to areas which need attention. Soon you would not be bothered with the dilemma that your husband is emotionally distant.

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10 Steps to Building a Healthy Marriage

When you get married you hope for a happy marriage, I don't think that anyone getting married deliberately seeks out an unhappy marriage, but the sad fact is that far to many marriages result in misery and divorce. Far to many people seem to forget that once you get married you still have to work at your relationship, you might live happily ever but it will take effort. Here are my 10 steps to building a healthy marriage and I hope that they are of use to you.

Share Interests

If you want to have a happy and harmonious marriage then you need to be able to share interests. This could be anything, hobbies, beliefs or whatever, just so long as you have something to bring you together. It is important for your to spend quality time together in order to strengthen your bond, and being able to share and enjoy doing something together is probably the best way to do it.

Quality Time Together

Moving seamlessly on from the next step to building a healthy marriage is spending quality time together. It can be difficult to find the time to do this, but if you want a healthy marriage then this step is non-negotiable. Spending time together strengthens your bond, it helps you to appreciate your partner more, and it can add some excitement to your marriage. What you do is up to you, you could go to a fancy restaurant or a coffee shop, go see a movie or go to the theatre, go on a trip or go for a walk, the possibilities are endless. If you have busy schedules then plan ahead, it gives you something to look forward to. Don't do the same thing all that time as that can get boring, look for new things to do, fresh experiences. And always remember, you are never to old to date, and you are never to old to have fun.

As well as quality time together you need your own space so that you can follow your individual life. You both came into the marriage with your own histories, friends and interests, they are what define you and make you who you are. Don't just focus all your attention on each other to fulfil your needs, one person cannot do it all, and at some point you will get bored. So have some time with your friends, pursue your interests and recharge your batteries. It makes you more interesting people and gives you plenty to talk about.

Communication

Communication is what holds it together, and without communication you do not have a relationship. Communication isn't just verbal, it is also about being able to read body language, as regardless of what your spouse is saying, their body language will all reveal what they are thinking. If you are serious about building a healthy marriage then you need to be able to communicate at a deep level, sharing your feelings and emotions, hopes and dreams.

Listening

You and your spouse can say whatever you want to each other, but if you cannot listen then it is just hot air. It can be difficult to listen, especially if you are being criticized, because your mind automatically starts to work out your response, this means that you don not hear everything clearly, and your body language will probably give your inattention away. Focus on your spouse, let them say what they have to say, if there is something that you do not understand then ask questions until you do, and if you are being criticized don't go on the defensive, there could be a good reason for that criticism. Remember, if something is important to your partner, then it is important to you.

Identify Spouses Wants And Needs

Each of you will have your wants and needs for the marriage, they could be emotional or physical. You need to know what your partners wants and needs are so that you can help to fulfil them. If you want a happy, healthy, harmonious marriage do not try to guess them, do not expect your spouse to know what they are, just ask. It's such as simple thing to do and it saves a lot of resentment. If you do not know what your partners wants and needs are then how can you fulfil them? If your partner does not get their wants and needs fulfilled they are likely to feel that you do not care. So talk, ask questions, and live in peace and harmony.

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Be A Romantic

If you do not tell your spouse that you love them, that you care for them, then how will they know, how will you know? If you don't tell someone you love them then it is reasonable for them to think that you don't love them. It could be just as case that you are hopeless at sharing your emotions or you don't know how, whatever the reason, building a healthy marriage can only happen if each spouse knows that the other loves them. It doesn't take much effort, but it means so very much. Don't just use words, hug them, kiss them, and then tell them how much you love them and appreciate them. There are lots of things that you can do to make your spouse happy. You can call, email, text, leave notes, do something spontaneous, and if you are at a loss for inspiration, then you could watch a romantic movie together. Adding romance to a marriage keeps it fresh and young, you might never get the honeymoon period back, but this is the next best thing. It also happens to be fun.

Dealing With Conflict

Whether you like it or not, at some point you will argue. Arguments are not a bad thing because they show that you have a problem that needs dealing with, it also gives you the opportunity to come closer together by dealing with the problem together. If you are building a healthy marriage never, ever avoid arguments. If you avoid arguments the issue does not go away, if anything ignoring it makes it worse which results in misery and resentment. As soon as either of you spots an issue you need to talk about it and find a way of dealing with it that you are both happy with. You are not looking to win arguments or play the blames game, which might have been okay when you were a kid, but not when you're an adult. You need to find a solution which is best for your marriage, so compromise, and if no compromise is available then agree to disagree.

Forgiveness

Being but mere mortals we all make mistakes, not because we are being petty or vindictive, but because we forget or it was an accident. On occasion one of you might make a more serious mistake. The small things are easily forgiven and forgotten, it's the big things that are more difficult. If something happens then you have to be able to forgive, this is not the same as condoning the behaviour, the main point of the forgiveness is that it helps you move on. If you cannot forgive then you will be unable to move on and it could poison the rest of your life. Whilst it can be difficult, forgiveness allows you to close a door on an incident, you won't forget it, but you will be able to leave it in the past.

Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions

No one but you is responsible for how you feel or what you do. If you are unhappy, if you are having problems at work, it's not your spouses fault so don't take it out on them. If you do something wrong then take responsibility for your own actions. If you do something then whether it was accidental or not, you did it, so own up to it, apologize and do your best to make amends. People who are incapable of accepting responsibility go through a ridiculous performance of trying to excuse and justify their actions. If one of you doesn't accept responsibility for their actions then how can you resolve conflicts? And what of the spouse who just wants an honest answer but keeps being lied to, it's not a recipe for a long-lasting marriage. Just be honest and accept responsibility, it shows that you have respect for your partner and they are likely to trust and respect you more.

Commitment To The Marriage And Your Future

You have sworn to be together for the rest of your lives and that takes commitment and vision. In order to take your marriage into the future you need a shared vision. Set goals for yourselves such as where to vacation, where to live, when to have a family, goals that you have to work together to achieve. Every time that you achieve a goal set a new one, that way you are always looking and working to the future, it gives your marriage a sense of permanence and continuity. Both of you married because you wanted to share your lives with each other, in order to build a healthy marriage you need to commit to building the very best marriage that you can.

So there you have it, 10 steps to building a healthy marriage. They are not always easy to follow, and some times you might wish that you were doing something else, but you can't as this was what you signed up for. It might take commitment, work, and effort, you will have to compromise and make sacrifices along the way, but what you will get from your marriage is worth infinitely more than what you put in.

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