My Hero’s Journey: A father facing his childhood trauma.

Hey, I am Lyndsay and I am here to share a part of my story from my role as a father. I am opening up as a healing modality on my life’s journey as well as a light for men/fathers out there. In my work as a life coach & healer I have come to discover that we are not so different from one another. Our pains are similar, as well as our desires to be safe, seen and loved. Unfortunately, many of us do not often receive this in the ways we need in our formative years as children. I do not believe in blame or judgement of parents at ALL, but the ramifications of childhood neglect are what they are, and the consequences are undeniable. The powerful and unceasable bond between parent and child needs more awareness in my personal and professional experience. And hence my story begins…

Alice Miller wrote, “Wherever I look I see signs of the commandment to honour one’s parents and nowhere of a commandment that calls for the respect of the child”. I grew up with religious beliefs, and while having nothing against the core of religion, I find such a commandment disregarding of the child’s emotional needs, which we now know requires much more nurturing than that of the parent. 

As I write this, I am facing the most challenging internal emotional conflict in my life. I am faced with disdain for my father who, by today’s standards, was/is physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. The consequences will last a lifetime for me. Yet, I feel love for him for bringing me into this world, offering me food and shelter. To the world he is this funny, caring, strong willed, generous man. To me he is all that and at the same time the man that made me pee myself from fear simply by raising his voice in rage, which was too much to process for a young boy at that time. The same man that told me in a booming voice and with a hand beating my backside to “shut up and stop crying”. The list goes on and on. I am spending so much of my life’s energy trying to heal and undo many of the adverse childhood effects. Many adults/kids never live to get this chance sadly. Many cannot let go of the guilt and shame because unfortunately when we are mistreated as kids our natural instinct is to believe that it is our fault. For me, my low self-esteem, the coping mechanism of people pleasing, the feeling of being invisible, the ever-present fear, the life limiting shame, the guilt, the lying, the cheating, the hurting of others -I can all connect back to my childhood trauma and unmet needs.

As far as I could remember, the feeling of sadness and anger haunted me. It had to be me, right? Who else could I be angry with? These are my feelings and so they must reflect the kind of person I am. But I now know it’s not true. I was angry at my dad. I still am. And this admittance and acceptance I now know is part of the healing I must go through. I tried for too long to cover the pain with forgiveness, compassion, and love, but when we deny our anger and shame it only grows quietly in our body and will often show how much so in other significant moments of life. To heal a feeling, we have to feel a feeling. And I now know it’s okay to be angry with our parents. We can say it, feel it and not have to be ashamed of it. 

This emotional conflict plays havoc in the body. How can the same person that professes to love us so deeply inflict the most fear and pain? In this child state, while helpless, vulnerable, defenceless, there can only be internal subconscious conflict that will eventually play out in all the future actions and relationships of the adult. The consequences of this conflict in the body can be seen through weight problems, addiction, physical illness, aggression, dependency, in the way we treat others etc. etc. etc. 

My father can’t see my pain because he can’t see his own and this realisation is heart-breaking. Almost literally. In dealing with all my life’s emotional struggles, it always comes back to childhood. How long does the child have to pay for the neglect of the parents and how long before we, as parents, start taking full responsibility for our actions? As a man I notice how unhealthy these effects have been on me. And I see how this impacts the greater world around me, the society we live in. 

“An unacknowledged trauma is like a wound that never heals over and may start to bleed at any time”. I believe in gratitude, but is it not the abuse, pain and neglect that haunts us and shapes us much more throughout our lives? Humans are negatively biased by our survival nature so it’s the pain inflicted on us that turns our sympathetic nervous system on and we struggle for years to regulate it back into a healthy state. Again, the cause of many illnesses and human suffering.

I would like to breathe here and highlight once more that this isn’t finger-pointing, but simply bringing awareness to what I believe is the root of all suffering. Sure, us parents are products of our upbringing too. Sure, we have our own internal personal challenges. But I notice how easy it is to shelve responsibility for our actions: “The child should succumb to our needs. The child should do as it is told. It’s the fault of their peers...” Truth is, it’s so often anything but us - parents.

As a parent, I feel that a lot more is demanded of us. It is no longer enough to rest on our ignorance and avoidance and expect our children to remedy themselves so that we won’t have to take responsibility for ourselves and our betterment. We need to step up, we need to start leading by example. We need to stop projecting our pain and fears and demanding more of our kids, all the while cowering away pretending that we have no part in who our kids are becoming. Covering our tracks with material objects and all the great advice. Our children simply reflect us.  It is time to stop wanting our children to be what we are not. And to stop expecting them to not remind us of our own unhealed and undealt trauma. 

The more we idealise the past and refuse to acknowledge our childhood sufferings, the more we pass them unconsciously onto the next generations.

I hope my share will raise at least some awareness and daring to hope that maybe also some life-changing decisions. I am starting on the 19th of March 2021 a 2-day programme in the evening, dedicated for parents, parents-to-be or to anyone who wishes to overcome any weight and limiting beliefs resulting from a difficult upbringing – it is never too late to become a better version of yourself. We will go through this together.

Details of the course to follow but if you are already intrigued please mention so below or contact me directly.

I would love to hear your thoughts, views, reflections, objections.

I wish you love, hope and healing,

Lyndsay.