My Harsh Encounter with Gender Bias

When we prefer one gender over another and provide preferential treatment to them, we are GENDER BIASED. You should not be surprised to know that both men & women suffer from this.

We are wired to think that some things can be done only by men and some only by women. If roles are exchanged, their efficiency will not be enough. And while paving our way we experience unequal pay, unfair promotions, undeserved job roles and much more, sometimes leading to harassment!

I want to share my experience with you all as I believe sharing stories can heal someone in need, it gives them power to acknowledge and breakthrough.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Many of you will empathize and you will be instrumental in putting an end to Gender Discrimination.

Motherhood is beautiful, or we just say so because it’s the obvious thing to say. Everyone knows about the hardships of childbirth but hey, every woman does that. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. Like other women, I too experienced childbirth (mine was a traumatic one but let’s save that story for another time). I was ecstatic and cherry on top was 6-months paid maternity leave (Thanks to our government)

Halfway through my leave, I started missing my office. The entire charade of going to office, meeting clients, reviews, get-together, that accomplished feeling when a deal was done…. everything. Most importantly, I was also EXPECTING A PROMOTION. I couldn’t wait to get back and bag that title, After all I had been working very hard for this and my numbers were backing me.

Finally, my leaves were over, and I re-joined. Few months went by, and it was that time of the year- Performance reviews and Promotions. YAY! ITS MY TIME NOW. I worked for it, missed my family holidays, missed special events but we must sacrifice to achieve something, right? I also did, no big deal.

I was like a child on Christmas morning, waiting to see my gift! But then something happened.

A 20-minute call that changed my pink face to pale yellow. And I thought- “Have I been a bad child throughout the year?” Another feeling crossed my mind- “I might get an empty stocking this year.” My palms became sweaty, my heart thumping against my chest so hard, almost giving me a pain.

You must be thinking- “Gosh that must have been a crazy phone call”. Yes, it was. In this conversation, my manager kept telling me how I deserved this promotion. My numbers are great, but can I manage? I thought where its coming from. And then it struck me, I am a mother of a 10-month-old child. A senior management person thinks that I should let this go as I should focus on my child and job. Promotion will bring more responsibility and according to them a mother can’t do it. Luckily, they another contender- A Man!

I wanted a face-to-face meeting after that call.

Next time I see myself sitting with 3 senior managers and in a grueling session. This meeting was to convince me that I should let this go, even though in their words- “There is no single reason for denying you this promotion”. I will be offered something in future. That something in unknown and has no timeline attached. They kept asking me to agree with this and I kept denying it. And it went on.

Finally, I understood, me agreeing to this is just a formality, I can’t win this. So, I asked for an alternative. I told them- “You are asking me to give up on this promotion which I have earned and is well-deserved. My numbers are better than another contender, which is a fact. So, if you don’t want to give me this position then give me some financial reward, a raise. It’s the least you can do.”

That statement was a blow to them. How can she ask for a raise? But to wind-up this endless meeting they agreed that they will surely talk to management and do something about it. Even though I wanted the position more, I thought this raise will at-least prove that my company values hard-work.

A few days passed by, I called up my newly assigned manager to ask about my raise. That question irritated him. He replied- “Nitika you might have done well in the past but now you have to prove to me that you are good enough for your job.” I was shocked with that statement. After feeling choked, I said- “You can look at my numbers, they have been great.” He said- “Start doing your job, I will see about that raise. Anyways that is a wrong demand from your side.” And he disconnected the call.

After this incident, I was regularly humiliated on review calls. He would smirk on me saying – “Kaam nahi karna aata aur paise chahiye (Doesn’t knows how to work and asking for money).” And this was in public forum. And soon after such incidents became common, I was mocked time and time again. I was insulted and humiliated.

Being a Jaat from Haryana, I have always been brave and strong-hearted. Twice in my life I faced near-death experience. In spite that, the spark in my eyes shined brighter than ever. But this incident BROKE ME! I never faced Gender Bias in my life, not even in my family, in my village; it was an alien concept. I saw this NIGHTMARE in a shiny city.

All this was happening with my small kid around. I used to come home, see him happy but I was not happy. There was a storm in my head & heart. I was unable to separate professional from personal. A new mother goes though extreme pain- physically & mentally. But that doesn’t stop her in being dedicated to her child. And here I am extremely tangled. I used to hug my child still carrying a truckload of pain, thinking I am not worth it!

Once after a call, my husband came in room. I saw him and broke into tears. He said – “Leave this job, you are miserable. And if you want to fight it, I am with you.” But in that moment, I became faint. Weeks of humiliation took away my self-respect, my dignity. I felt powerless. Rather than fighting I wanted to run, and I ran!

I GAVE MY RESIGNATION!

Ended my pain & suffering.

In the hindsight everything is much clearer but sadly it’s not foresight which would have saved me. What I regret is not standing up for myself. This incident is etched in my mind LIKE A LEARNING. Yes it was a failure of a sorts but it taught me a great deal.

If you ask me how I am now, I will say- “CALM AS A MONK AND STRONG LIKE A LIONESS”

I didn’t let this incident go waste. After seeing the ghost from the front seat, I wanted to make sure that people around me are empowered to face up and fight this discrimination. I have always supported and fought for people around me and will continue to do so. Being a parent or a certain gender, being a certain race or color should not stop anyone from achieving heights.

YOU, my friend, are a powerful person. And if every one of YOU starts standing up for gender equality, you will be able to end this silent suffering not only for OUR GENERATION but for the FUTURE GENERATIONS to come. If you don’t want your children to suffer and face this demon, then have the courage to stand up for those around you. Stepping on someone will not guarantee your success.

Remember Gender equality is not a woman’s issue or a man’s issue, IT’S A HUMAN ISSUE. IT AFFECTS US ALL!

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