My gratitude for isolation - the challenges and the triumphs of the past 7 months

2020 has been a strange year, no doubt. For many, it has been frustrating, disappointing, challenging and overwhelming. It has been a year of massive change, of loss and of heartache. My sincerest thoughts and prayers go out to those who have lost loved ones, their jobs and their way of life as they knew it.

I am indeed one of the fortunate who have retained their employment and have been working remotely - 7 months and counting. Remote working has had necessary adjustments, learnings and transitions. Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the journey it has taken me on and, without question as I look back, it has been one I am extremely grateful for - it has been a reset of sorts for me.

At first, we thought we would be away from the office for a few weeks and so I decided I would keep a morning routine - I would do a pretend commute and go for a walk when I would normally be catching 2 trams to work. As it was part of my previous routine to have a coffee at the downstairs cafe every morning, I decided to keep that routine on my balcony cafe.

It was lovely, but the weeks were beginning to pass and restlessness was rearing its head. Isolation was continuing and I needed to be doing more. I had already cleaned, done some further decluttering (a continuous project of mine) and I was not happy at finding myself watching more and more Netflix. So, as you do, I hired a piano and started doing online theory courses and practising again. I have studied piano on and off ever since I can remember. I should have known there was a reason why I still didn't own a piano, but there was within me a deep desire to find something more meaningful and productive. Needless to say, the piano was a short term inconsistent resolution at best.

Next, as if the Universe had sensed I needed help in finding direction, I received an email out of the blue from a friend inviting me to do a Tony Robbins 7 Day Challenge and I threw myself into it with gusto! And it was great, it truly was. Unknowingly I was receiving a lot of clarity as to where I should be heading next. Whether my mind was in isolation numbness, or I simply wasn't ready, I could not see the forest for the trees but slowly, slowly, and little by little, a trend was emerging; not that I was seeing it.

I had a thousand ideas running through my head - sign up for this course, undertake this challenge, start cooking (something I have never been akin to and, just quietly, never will be) - isolation was never going to change some things. Next came re-arranging the apartment (no mean feat in a small one bedroom apartment which now included a piano) but that was soon to prove a complete failure and I would move it all back again, but at least it was good exercise - ha ha ha.

My computer (where I spend the majority of my day) sits in front of two large french doors overlooking the balcony, the garden and the street and I would eventually realise that this is where it was meant to be, because it was from here that I could see the sun come up. Being a 4am riser it is something I have always done, it simply makes me feel good. Although there are always new challenges and distractions that many of us have become familiar with whilst working remotely!

So the months are moving along now; however, we did have a very brief escape during which time I was fortunate enough to have a haircut and a breakfast with my sister. Little did I know this was going to have to sustain me for a long time to come. As fate would have it, I decided to clean out some drawers. I had lost another friend, this made 2 this year so far, along with my beautiful Millie (my adopted senior furry companion). 2020 was proving a hard year on the heart.

As I was clearing one particular set of drawers, I came across a collection of poetry that I had been meaning to publish way back when. The first collection published back in 2012, this further collection had been relegated to the drawers and seemingly forgotten. As if a lightbulb had gone off, I wandered down to my bedroom where I had placed a number of posters on my wall - one a list of getting clear as to what I want, one a list of (a) habits to annihilate (b) things to practice and (c) feelings to embrace - all under the heading "July 2021 Looking back on the past 12 months" and there was the answer, just staring at me as if to say "What took you so long dumbass!?!" ha ha ha It was unquestionable in my mind.

It was time! Time to get back to what I have always loved doing - writing! To face the fear of what others would think and move forward despite that fear, continue practising living in gratitude and thankfulness, and write every single day. I had been shown - in isolation - how to find my way home.

I remember I wrote a piece on here some time ago that it can take 10 years to finally reach that year that will change your life. I had thought 2020 was going to finally be the beginning of that change. The previous 10 years had been the darkest years of my life with so much loss - financial, emotional, physical and spiritual. I had lost my home, my savings, my job, my car, my motorbike, my superannuation, my health, my mother, my sense of self; but I never lost my determination to find a way and my belief in a better tomorrow, even when it felt as if I had. Over and over, I would say to myself "Invictus" and I would run my fingers over the small tattoo on my inner left wrist that is my constant reminder to never give up, never surrender and never stop living in gratitude for what is.

As the months have rolled on, I find myself going deeper and deeper into gratitude. I think continuously about all that I have to be grateful for.

My mother in the last year of my caring for her had to go in to High Care - I sat with her in the Aged Care facility for 10 days as she passed. Had she not passed when she did, and it was this year, I would not have been able to sit with her as I did. I feel blessed.

In 2018, I was chosen as an All Star winner and sent to Queenstown New Zealand - my first time ever travelling outside of Australia. I was also chosen to be part of a training video and was flown to Sydney for filming in the same year. And I had my first holiday to Byron Bay, thanks to my sister, in over 20 years. All of that would not be possible this year.

In February 2019, I had major dental surgery and later that year had day surgery on suspected skin cancer which proved to be benign. I had some other minor health challenges - all over and done with before 2020.

In November 2019, I changed jobs and I was able to learn enough between starting and moving to remote work to be of service and to be effective in my role. My new company was so quick to move us to working remotely and my COO moved mountains to ensure our safety. I feel so unbelievably fortunate.

In December 2019, my housemate decided she was moving interstate and I found my lovely little apartment and moved in before Christmas. Had I waited, this would have been far more challenging during the Covid environment.

In January 2020, I lost a lifelong dear friend to suicide and his family were able to hold a funeral which, although I was unable to attend as it was on the other side of Australia (a close friend kindly sent me a video of the service), I feel so grateful that his family and friends had the opportunity to all be together through such a difficult time and say goodbye.

In March 2020, before total lockdown, I lost my beautiful Millie to kidney failure and I was able to have the vet come to my home which enabled me to say goodbye in her favourite spot in my arms on the couch.

On the last day of March 2020, I adopted Arwen from the same rescue shelter. They asked me if I would take on another damaged soul, full of anxiety and so badly mistreated. She is the light of my day - and the pain of my night as she stretches and puts her claws into my skin! ha ha ha

I have so much to be grateful for and I feel truly blessed that everything has unfolded as it has. Whilst others have talked about how they miss going on holidays, eating out, having parties, I realised my life really hasn't changed that much and I do not feel the losses that they do. I was already used to a very simple life. But more importantly, I realised how I had become numb to life and that this isolation was my chance to sit quietly, reflect, give thanks, count my blessings and find a way to move forward.

At the end of August I made a decision to go all in. Since then, my first collection of poetry has been republished in paperback and is now available in Kindle. My second collection is with the publishers and well underway to do the same. I have registered a business name and website address, I have learned how to design and build a website (huge learning curve for me!), I have laughed as I created a He Says, She Says series of Mugs, I have felt a deep calling to build awareness for homelessness and suicide prevention, trying in my own small way to make a difference. I live in such a strong place of gratitude for every single day and I have submerged myself into my passion for writing and creating where the hours pass like minutes. And I experience every day that I work on my project that the days are simply not long enough and I never want the day to end - magic! I feel unbelievably blessed to have found that place.

I said to a friend that I want to leave a positive footprint, no matter how small. And with every beat of my heart, a poem, a card, a poster, a mug, a notebook, a bookmark or a mousepad are my way of doing that. And the most beautiful thing of all, is that I am completely at peace with whatever outcome befalls me. Ah, the serenity.

Yesterday, I lost another friend. He was only 40. He was to be married to the love of his life in 6 days time. He has a 2yo beautiful boy. He was simply polishing his car, collapsed and could not be revived. He had a kind and caring heart. He was loving, compassionate and giving. He was taken too soon. I ask in his honour, that each and every day, we give thanks for the sun coming up and the sun going down and the absolute gift we have been given to experience another day. I ask that we be kind to all and I ask that we be grateful for what is.

Love and Peace.

(c) Dianne Traynor 25 October 2020