my goodbye to all that

I went to the city to wander the streets.??

When I reach Grand Central, a familiar wave of pain washes over me.?I feel an intimacy with the place I called home for 15 years, but I no longer live here. I get on the subway, but I can’t remember which train stops where. I used to know all the transfers by heart. Do I have dementia? Or have we been estranged for far too long?

I thought I would live in the city forever because I thought that I was cool.?After we had our first Floof, we realized our truth. The realities of space and school in the city would push us out eventually. Feeling the wind blowing us north, in December 2019, we somewhat impulsively left the life we loved in Brooklyn for Westchester with one 16 month old baby in tow. I call this my COVID premonition. Have you heard? I am kind of a witch.

The pandemic and a second baby made our 45 minute commute feel far.?I moved thinking that I was just changing the direction of my trains. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I planned to go in all the time to preserve my urban edge. Three and a half years later, I miss the girl who knew all the hot restaurants and saw all the shows and exhibits.?

As I get off the subway, my suburban mom status disappears into the anonymity of the crowded SoHo streets.?I stroll past Howard Street, longing to browse Opening Ceremony, the store and showroom where I worked at 22. It was there that I first dipped a toe into following my creative dreams. It too doesn’t live there anymore.

And many others have gone missing.?Thousands of my Millennial generation fled the city during the pandemic, leaving before they felt ready to go. If you mourn the loss of your urban youth, I feel you. No matter the circumstances of your decision to leave, the closing of a chapter is bittersweet.?

I miss that young,?city girl, but I know that I need to be where I am today.?I want a yard to run my Floofs and a garden to cultivate. We are growing here. As a Suburban mom, I may not be the kind of city lady I wanted to be at 22. But back on these streets or driving carpool in spandex, The Lady is still me, striving and creating my?New York story.