My favorite leadership tool

In officer training, we took endless classes on leadership. But most of us were too young at the time to really appreciate the material. One of the few lessons did stick with me, though: we were told that for the rest of our lives, we should take notice and think about the bosses we ended up respecting—the ones we would follow into the gates of hell—what specifically did they do that made us so willing to align to their will? If we could just remember to add each of their tools into our own leadership tool chest, over time we would become better and better leaders.

I've had many bosses over the years and managed a lot of people. I've managed everything from small teams to thousands of direct reports—from software developers to Ph.D. scientists to sales staff to warehouse workers. I've observed a lot of leadership tools in action and collected many into my own tool chest now, but one of these tools continues to stand out above the rest: the one-on-one meeting.

The One-on-One Meeting

You can solve an enormous swath of leadership crises with the one-on-one meeting: products behind schedule, rotting culture, infighting/backstabbing, mistrust... the list goes on and on.

Thirty Minutes to Care

Work is work. For some, it's a calling, but for most, it's about something else. Even those who truly love their job find that the passion comes and goes. Sometimes it's about the people you work with, and sometimes it's about the money—either to pay bills or to save for something bigger like a down payment on a house. Sometimes a job is a stepping stone to something bigger and sometimes it is embarrassingly beneath you. Everyone has plans and everyone has things she cares about and things she doesn't. What's more, these priorities are constantly in flux.

As a leader, you need to know these priorities precisely. You need to have your finger on the pulse of your people—where they came from, where they are, and where they're going.

You award an employee some equity options and you expect he will be thrilled, but instead he seems almost disgusted by your "generosity." See, his daughter was recently diagnosed with a chronic disease, and he has been frantically looking for a job with good health insurance—all behind your back of course. If you don't know what he really wants, you can't help him. If you don't help him, he probably won't help you either.

Their Job, Their Career, Their Life

I've had a data analyst who wanted to be a helicopter pilot. I've had a UX designer who wanted to be an elementary school teacher. Can you imagine how much tension was released when I not only welcomed this knowledge but took steps to help them achieve their actual career goals? Can you imagine how much goodwill this earns you as a leader when other people see it happening?

When you really know your people, you'll be able to plan ahead for employee departures months in advance. You'll hire the right replacement at the right time instead of scrambling to fill the role when it is unexpectedly vacant. What's more, their replacement will have quality transition materials or even direct coaching from the outgoing employee.

Focused Compliments

You may be wondering how in the world you're going to get a direct-report to tell you they are actively looking for another job, much less tell you why… Employees will actually volunteer these details once they trust you—once they know you genuinely have their best interests at heart—once they know for sure that you sincerely care about their job, their career, and their life. So how do you get them to know that? The same way you got your significant other or best friend to trust you: focused compliments.

In every single one-on-one, you should have prepared at least one focused compliment. "You're doing a great job!" doesn't count. "Last Wednesday you volunteered to help Kristen with the API documentation. You didn't have to do that. Thank you!" "I know Jordan (our client) can be irascible and yet you handled his rant yesterday with poise. I respect that. Good job!" These focused compliments are the currency of trust. The more of them you give, the larger balance you'll build in their trust bank account.

Every Two Weeks—NO EXCEPTIONS

Trust is an investment—it compounds interest over time. And just like saving for retirement, intentions alone are worth nothing—you have to actually do it. If you miss a single one-on-one, it signals that you do not care about their job, their career, or their life. You have to be consistent to be effective. If you think you don't have time to meet with every one of your direct reports for thirty minutes every two weeks, then you don't realize how much time not meeting with them is costing you.

The Cost

Think back to a time when you got your feelings hurt by your boss. For those of you “macho” men who never get your feelings hurt, allow me to translate: "Remember that time you wanted to punch your f**** boss in his g**-****ed face? Yeah—that." Ok, all with me now? How much quality work did you get done that day? Did you go and tell a coworker, "Can you believe what he just said to me?" So now at least two people got absolutely no work done that day. Strong negative emotions block our ability to work for hours—or days. The offense swirls around in our brain on an endless loop draining all focus and creativity.

If you are not meeting with your people regularly and getting to know them deeply, chances are very high that you are inadvertently creating this kind of drama behind your own back almost every week.

When that stops happening, you'll be stunned by how much more work gets done.