My Favorite Conflict Resolution Strategies (that Actually Work!)

The following are my summarized interpretations of the most meaningful lessons from the book "Changing the Conversation" by Dana Caspersen.

Like most corporate leaders, I love a good business communications book. Like most humans, I don't enjoy conflict. I know my conflict trigger has been tripped when my heart rate goes up and my body temperature drops to a teeth-chattering temperature. Whatever your physiological reaction to conflict may be, you can harness it as your cue to employ some of these useful strategies to navigate the tough conversations you may have otherwise avoided.

There are many reasons I appreciate Dana Caspersen's book Changing the Conversation. Her 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution are timeless strategies widely applicable to both personal and professional communication. Plus, it's a breeze to chew through with reader-friendly formatting (thanks to the masterful visualization work of Joost Elffers), cool graphics (professional euphemism for "I like books with pictures") and real-life examples.

Here are the top lessons I lean on and re-read regularly because they address the majority of conflict we experience in the workplace:

1) Differentiate needs, interests, and strategies. Oftentimes when we speak with people in the context of disagreement, we're disagreeing on strategies ("We need to hire more people in this department to keep up with all the requests we're getting") instead of needs ("We need to do work that aligns with the company's priorities") or interests ("I want our department to turn out quality work, on time and on budget").

The problem with our tendency to communicate in strategies is that strategies insist on a particular path, and with so many ways to solve a problem, it's not likely we will agree precisely on the right way to get it done.

Instead of leading with strategy statements in discussions, peel back your position and get aligned with your counterpart on needs and interests. Chances are your needs are in alignment and you can work from a place of common interest towards strategies.

2) Prioritize observation over evaluation. Said otherwise, make factual statements about things you've experienced or observed, not value or judgement statements. For example, in a meeting wrought with over-talking, instead of quietly surmising and steaming over the thought that the over-talking colleague "is just a blowhard that doesn't care about anyone else's opinion," consider stating the facts aloud: "You've interrupted me the last three times I've tried to share my perspective and I want to be sure my idea is considered." In the same vein, avoid making "always" or "never" statements. Instead of, "you're always late and I can't count on you," try, "the past two times you've been late to our project meetings and your deliverables have not been completed in time."

Making observation statements instead of evaluation statements helps start and keep the exchange on a factual foot instead of an accusatory one that inspires defensiveness.

3) Figure out what's happening, not whose fault it is. In the most unfortunate of cases, focusing on whose fault it is rather than what's really happening can distract us from addressing the root cause of the problem. My favorite environment to exercise this strategy is under the banner of "pluses and deltas." After an important meeting or project milestone, gathering a forum to discuss pluses (what went well) and deltas (what could have gone better) is a great way to de-personalize the feedback process by focusing on what happened and how to fix it, not who caused it. For example, after my team presented an important business case to the board, a delta may be, "The people in the back of the room had a hard time reading our slides," instead of, "Alicia needs to create better slides." At the end of the meeting, deltas are evaluated for what can be done to create a better outcome in the future. In this example, someone from the presentation team should test the slides in advance of the meeting in the room from which they'll be presented to ensure they're legible from all angles. Because we focused on what's happening instead of whose fault it was, we realized that attributing the problem to Alicia's slides alone wouldn't solve the problem. Testing the slides in the context of the meeting room was the only way to avoid the issue in the future.

4) Assume undiscovered solutions exist. In our most basic form, we businesspeople are problem solvers. Therefore, we must always have our internal compasses pointed towards resolution, even when it's not obvious or immediately agreeable. At the heart of this strategy is finding out what needs the solution must meet. For example,

Idea/strategy offered: "We should reverse our policy of giving employees unlimited paid time off."

A response to uncover real interests and needs: "What specific behaviors or issues would reversing this policy address? What would it prevent or make possible that isn't possible under the policy today?"

If this sounds a little like #1 on this list, it's because they're two sides of the same coin!

Your ability to point out when others are speaking in strategies or ideas and elevate the discussion to a needs- and interest-based conversation is the first step in finding an agreeable solution that addresses the real issues.

Funny enough, the 17th principle of the book is to "Plan for Future Conflict." So the next time your pulse races and you feel a shiver down your spine (maybe that's just me?), use it as an opportunity to practice and develop comfort in these strategies so you can be ready and confident in Changing the Conversation.