My Fantasy League PMQs

Have you ever watched a debate, or a seminar in utter frustration that the obvious questions are not being asked, or perhaps, that some less obvious but important answers have been missed? I found a way to ventilate my thoughts using a voice recorder and I can recommend the cathartic benefits. During video or live streaming events, I have recorded my own answers to the questions posed on panel discussions; it has certainly helped me sharpen my thinking on some topics. I did this for many of the COP 26 climate panel discussions and various industry events but most recently I tried it out on Prime Minister's Questions (PMQs) that took place on Wednesday, 8th December 2021. This practice has left me with hundreds of hours of material never to be transcribed but I decided to experiment to see how this might translate into print on this one occasion.

Concerns

The problem of course is that this a not a single transcript but a fictional combination of two and what I did not want to do add to the misinformation. The intention is not satire and it is really just an opinion of how I would have like to have seen the opposition leader hold the UK Government to account on a certain topic. I have removed any reference to political parties and just use the terms 'government' and 'opposition' in a couple of cases, whilst retaining the real-world context.

The Process

My first step was to transcribe sections of the PMQs by stepping through video footage word by word, including repeats, vocal ticks and hesitations. I did the same for the mock press conference that led to Allegra Stratton resigning to make sure the dialogue is accurate. Journalists tend to paraphrase without making it clear they are doing so, sometimes it is down to sloppy transcriptions but often it is copy lifted from other sources. I did not want to fall into that trap of compounding misquotations.

It would be easy to set up a strawman argument whereby me, as the fictional advocate, tears down arguments that the prime minister never made. I haven't done that; my interest is in the representation of ideas through advocacy. I hope to have succeeded in being fair by not taking undue advantage of the one-sided interaction; I even gave the prime minister the last word. I am not claiming to have 'won' the debate but I tried.

Disclaimer: A bit of artistic license was used with the minimal use of stock parliamentary phrases, previous replies to similar questions and characteristic party interjections on the floor as a device to link everything together. That material accounts for about 3% of the narrative. I have been careful not to add anything that would introduce bias and I hope to have succeeded.

Alternative Universe, House of Commons, Wednesday 8th December 2021

[Cheering! Hubbub!]

Speaker

The prime minister...

Prime Minister (PM)

'Mr speaker, may I begin by saying I understand and share the anger, up and down the country, at seeing number ten staff, seeming to make light of lockdown measures.?And I can understand how infuriating it must be, to think that the people who have been setting the rules have not been following the rules… Mr speaker,?because I was also furious to see that clip.?And Mr Speaker, I apologise…. I apologise unreservedly for the offence that it has caused, up and down the country and I apologise for the impression that it gives.?But I repeat Mr Speaker, that I have been repeatedly assured, since these allegations emerged, that there was no party, and that, and that no COVID rules were broken, and that is what I have been repeatedly assured.?But I’ve asked the cabinet secretary, to establish all the facts, and to report back, as soon as possible, and Mr Speaker, it goes without saying, that if those rules were broken, then there will be disciplinary action for all those involved.'?

Speaker

Leader of the opposition...

Me

Mr Speaker, I share the prime minister’s anger at this leaked video if not for the same reasons.??In the video in question, Allegra Stratton is being prepped in a mock press conference; this was, Mr Speaker, a team rehearsing a defence for the?indefensible.?Mr Speaker, in that video, adopting the role of devil’s advocate, number ten adviser, Ed Oldfield asks, ‘I’ve just seen reports on Twitter that there was a Downing Street Christmas party on Friday night, do you recognise those reports?’?Ms Stratton replies ‘I went home’.

Mr speaker, let’s set aside the ambiguity of Ms Stratton's own attendance and focus instead on the knowledge of things that were to be unspoken on camera. The footage shows Ms Stratton nervously laughing and?quickly following up with,?‘hold on, hold on…um…eh….ahhh…’ before drying up completely.?Breaking the awkward pause, Mr Oldfield tries again, ‘would the prime minister condone having a Christmas party?’?Ms Stratton is once again stumped; ‘what is the answer?’ but Mr Oldfield has no answer either, instead he only offers,?‘I don’t know’.??

[Give it a rest!]

That’s right, Mr Speaker, the prime minister's own adviser said ‘I - don’t - know’.?

[Clamouring!]

Mr Speaker, you see, the problem in that briefing room and indeed, as we have come to know, the government, is not that there is no answer. Indeed,?Mr Speaker, the issue is that the government has created an environment where political expediency and the truth cannot co-exist in the same statement.?Mr Speaker, this government has consistently shown that in such a contest, the casualty is always the truth.??

[Braying! Shame! Bedlam!]

Mr Speaker, absent from the video are any answers remotely aligned to what the prime minister is said since.

[Clamouring! Hullabaloo!]

Mr Speaker, for the sake of resonance, they might have tested out the phrase, ‘the Prime Minister did not know about the party’, but no...

[Boo! Nonsense! Sit down!]

... but no Mr Speaker. It could have been easisly been said, if true, but no Mr Speaker, no! Such an utterance would have been too ludicrous for the prime minister’s team to consider.?

[Hear! Hear! Boo! Rubbish!]

One might speculate, Mr Speaker, there were other answers that were perhaps too dangerous to contemplate such as, ‘our prime minister is a lifelong professional self-serving liar’

[Hullabaloo! Point of Order! Shame!]

Speaker

‘Order, order!?I remind the honourable member that he is in breach of Erskine May and ask that he?withdraw the unparliamentary word?immediately! Leader of the opposition...'

Me

‘I do indeed withdraw it with my unreserved apologies?Mr Speaker...??

[Hullabaloo, Snort! Rhubarb!]

…may I say, 'professionally disingenuous'?

[No! No! Take it back!]

Speaker

‘Nearly as bad! You may not!?Proceed directly!’

Me

Mr speaker, I withdraw it.?My question to the Prime Minister is this, will he make sure that the promised investigation will have access to the names and time stamps for all people entering or leaving Number Ten on the evening of 18th and morning of the 19th of December 2020??(Question 1)

Prime Minister

I am not sure if we record that detail, do we? [Looking around] Must we??It will be looked into… it doesn’t matter... it is the detail the cabinet secretary will pick up.? Mr Speaker, the house can be assured that relevant information will be made available to the investigation.?This is not what the public are interested in.

Not only that Mr Speaker but the party opposite and the right honourable gentleman in particular,?has played politics…played politics Mr Speaker….???Might I say, Mr Speaker, I don’t think the right honourable gentleman gave a genuine retraction of language unbecoming of the house, so I would call upon him to take it back!?He should take it back!?

[Bedlam]?

Speaker

I’ve got to hear what the prime minister’s saying, because if I don’t, I don’t know when something is said…. And I must hear, the prime minister.?Prime minister... ‘

Prime Minister

Yes, Mr Speaker, I am asking the right honourable gentlemand to retract what he said. And if I may say so, throughout this pandemic -?throughout this pandemic the leader of the opposition, in particular, has done nothing, but play politics, to try to muddy the waters, to confuse the public, and - and to cause needless confusion, about the guidance.?But-but the public Mr Speaker, have not been so confused and they have not been fooled.?And they have got on with implementing the guidance, and they have got on in particular Mr Speaker, with showing great commitment to the health of this country, by going forward to get vaccinated…

[Yelling from the opposition bench]

Answer the question!

Speaker

Order, order, prime minister, prime minister… [turns to opposition bench] ?Mr Streeting,?we’ve had this the week before; I am not having this every week,?now if you wanna be on the front bench,?behave like you’re meant to be there.

[Hear! Hear!]

Prime minister… prime minister.

[Hear! Hear!]

Mr Speaker, at every stage, the opposition leadership and the right honourable gentleman, have tried to muddy the waters, and to play politics, whereas the people of this country,??have not been fooled and in particular they have come forward, to get vaccinated, faster than any other country in Europe, we have now done twenty million boosters, Mr Speaker, that is the single bes thing that we can do and I encourage everybody, to keep going and get their booster jab.??Mr Speaker, I repeat that the right honourable gentleman should take back what he said earlier!

[Hear! Hear!]?

Take it back!

Speaker

Order! Leader of the opposition...

Me

Mr speaker, I am sure all of us occasionally wish we could erase our words as if they were never spoken, and of course, I mean all of us and not just those who might be habitually untruthful.?

[Take it back! Humbug!]?

Mr Speaker, I confess to being unmoved by the prime minister’s well-rehearsed spontaneous outrage on the matter of propriety, in fact he is tiring me out with the repetition.??

[Hubub! Take it back!]?

After all, Mr Speaker,?the prime minister has misled the house and the public on this point on several occasions;?whether that was done knowingly may be a matter of debate, as everything surely is in this post truth era.?

[Bedlam, Bedlam!]

Mr Speaker, as recently as Wednesday, whilst routinely avoiding a question, this time on whether there was at least one Christmas party at Number Ten during lockdown, the prime minister said he was ‘satisfied’?that ‘the guidelines were followed at all times’, which is an admission of not only having some knowledge but of being able to assess it too. My question is therefore in two parts; first, when did you come by this knowledge??And second, given your assurance to the public, if the investigation shows the guidelines were not followed, will you resign over the gross error of judgement?’ (Question 2)

[Babble!]

Speaker

Order… order… I want to hear the answer to that question.? Prime Minister….

Prime Minister

Thank you Mr Speaker, as usual, the right honourable gentleman… is playing politics.? As I said, I was assured that no rules were broken, and I refer the right honourble gentleman to answers I gave some moments ago... [Sits down]

Speaker

Leader of the opposition...

Me

Mr Speaker, we have heard this inadequate response already and I too, am getting a sense of deja vu. I can spare the prime minister the tedium of some of the more trivial details the press seem to be obsessing over.?Was it a cheese and wine party??No.?Would that count? Yes.?Was that a joke? Yes.? The more important point was that the very best that could be done was ‘this fictional party was a business meeting… and it was not socially distanced’.

[Rubbish! Out of context!]

That was the very best they could come up with Mr Speaker! Of course it was meant to be ironic, but they had nowhere to go, that is the real point! The only improvement on this they made was that they didn't hold the press conference at all!

[Not again! Move on!]

How honourable members may yearn for the time when the careless use of the term ‘business meeting’ was the only part of that sentence that was not at odds with the affairs of state.?Mr Speaker, that was a time when blatant hypocrisy, wrongdoing, misrepresentations and spin were not normalised through popularism.??

[Hear! Hear! Babble! Rubbish! Sanctimonious claptrap!]

Mr Speaker, there is a serious point, we must look to what we are normalising as a nation, but we must have some compassion too.??I want to express some sympathy for Allegra Stratton and others in that room…??

[Hubbub! Guffaw! Jeers! Rot! Crocodile Tears!]?

?...because -?because Mr Speaker…

[Boo!]??

... please, allow me to be as generous as I can.??

[Hullabaloo!]??

Mr Speaker, the prime minister expresses his outrage, mirroring that expressed in the press and amongst the public, that members of his staff were making light of the lockdown. Yet I take a different view. I believe the nervous laughter we witnessed on that video was not at the expense of those that became ill, or had made sacrifices, or were dead and piled high… no Mr Speaker.?

[Boo!]

Mr Speaker, I think the laughter we saw was at the absurdity. If we don't consider that, we are allowing ourselves to be distracted by the party opposite's fake outrage and in so doing, miss the more important issue of truth.

[Hear! Hear! Shame!]?

'You see Mr Speaker, perhaps the situation was so surreal that the only logical thing to do was to laugh.?If for no other reason than their own sanity, perhaps to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of gaslighting themselves.?The real joke here is that there were no plausible answers that would bear scrutiny and although some will take comfort in the fact that Ms Stratton has fallen on the prime minister’s sword…'

[Hear! Hear! Boo! Hiss! Guffaw! She resigned!]?

'… I don’t.?I don’t Mr Speaker!?Mr Speaker, this is what we must expect of a government that cannot be trusted. Mr Speaker, surely, no greater self-love can a narcissist have that he lay down the careers of his colleagues for his own political life -?until of course, you find one that will lay down his country too!'?

[Bedlam! Take it back! Take it back!]??

'So Mr Speaker, my final question to the prime minister is this, what will it take for you to put the country before your own interests, and resign?’ (Question 3)

Prime Minister

‘…. Mr Speaker, of course we will do the investigation... ...with the investigation by the cabinet, with the secretary, but Mr Speaker, he continually wants to play politics, with this issue, we want to get on with our job of protecting this country during the pandemic, and Mr Speaker, delivering the fastest vaccine roll out in Europe, fighting the drugs gangs Mr Speaker, when the party opposite wants to decriminalise class A drugs Mr Speaker, and backing our borders bill, Mr Speaker,?they have an opportunity to focus on that tonight, why not back our borders bill Mr Speaker,?and have life sentences for people traffickers??That’s what the leader of the opposition should be doing, that’s what… [Bluster!]’

#PMQs, #COVID, #Lockdown, #party, #fantasyleague, #advocacy, #hiredgun