My Family Caregiver Story

Today would have marked my late mother's 79th birthday. Just a couple of weeks from now will be the first anniversary of her passing - she lost her brave battle with Alzheimer's disease in the early hours of Easter Sunday last year. If I had to choose one remarkable woman to highlight for every Women's History Month, it would undoubtedly be her.

Marilynn Leathart, Ph.D. came from a small town in rural Texas, yet departed this world having earned a Ph.D., being a published and awarded researcher, and having raised two children. Upon reaching college in the early 1960s, grade school education was one of the few professions readily available to women then - a path she was determined to avoid. However, after graduating with her Bachelor's in Business Administration, she was told she was not qualified for an office job. And with her Master's in Finance, the only offer she received was for an administrative position, then known as secretarial work. In both defiance and determination, she became not only the first in her family with a college degree but also a Ph.D.

Although her initial intentions were not to be an educator, Dr. Leathart became a proud and tenured professor of Accountancy. She taught at Morehouse College and John Carroll University, amongst other institutions. Rather than dwelling on dreams deferred, my mother prepared countless women and minorities to have a foothold in a field that had once shut its doors to her. To me, she was unstoppable.

While I could write for pages about her both as an educator and mother, this post is related to the final chapter of her extraordinary life - one that became a significant part of my journey as well. When I was 29, my mother relocated from Texas to live with us in Washington, DC. Not having seen her in months, the changes to her physical appearance were immediately apparent. As she settled in, what was more alarming were the changes to her cognition. After a series of medical appointments, tests, and consultations, the devastating diagnosis was confirmed: Mommy had Alzheimer's disease.

My mother's healthcare needs were attended to at home from 2012 until 2020 when the convergence of her declining condition and the global pandemic made it impossible for me to continue to provide adequate care. She then moved to a skilled nursing facility, where initially, to protect the most vulnerable residents from COVID-19, visits were limited to waving at your loved one through a window. The next couple of years were a whirlwind of falls, hip replacements, middle-of-the-night emergency room trips, and two rounds of life support. I can’t imagine what this pernicious disease was like for her, but she fought it until the very end.

For me, during this decade-long chapter, every season of life seemed to converge simultaneously. While serving as my mother's caregiver, I was simultaneously mothering four young children and building the career that eventually led me to Amazon Web Services (AWS) . Friends' weddings and birthday celebrations, baby showers, and baptisms were a blur if possible to attend at all. With my closest biological family living 1,400 miles away, external support for respite was scarce, albeit deeply appreciated when it did arise.

During the earlier stages of Alzheimer's, when my mother lived with us, there were entire nights spent sleeping in shifts to prevent her from taking a 2 AM walk or helping her to the bathroom. Later, those fractured nights of rest occurred between nurses taking her vital signs in austere hospital rooms. No matter what challenges the night had brought, once dawn arrived, it was time to caffeinate, apply makeup, and show up for the day - there were family and career goals to uphold. Those days were long and exhausting. Nothing can entirely prepare you for this experience, but being raised by an unstoppable woman instilled in me a steadfast focus on my family and the future.

I am not telling my story because it is unique or even uncommon. I share it for awareness and insight into an oft under-addressed challenge shared by the 22 to 26 million family caregivers residing in the United States. Much like parenting, family caregiving falls disproportionately on women's shoulders. Research from Missouri State indicates that 60 percent of caregivers are women; astonishingly, that figure surges to 70 percent for caregivers of individuals with dementia. Approximately half of these women are also employed. Many of us will endure two or more family caregiving experiences; I am now the primary caregiver for my father, a stroke survivor and disabled veteran.

If companies genuinely intend to create an inclusive environment that nurtures and retains female talent, a crucial aspect of this endeavor must be ensuring that caregivers are not forced to sacrifice their professional dreams while caring for aging loved ones. While individual circumstances may vary, the demands of caregiving – particularly for those attending to loved ones with chronic conditions like Alzheimer's or dementia – can be physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. Without proper support structures in place, many women feel forced to make the agonizing choice between their career aspirations and their familial responsibilities. This dilemma perpetuates existing gender inequalities in the workplace. Fortunately, some forward-thinking organizations are recognizing the urgency of this matter and implementing policies that aim to create a more caregiver-friendly work environment. Flexible work arrangements, which allow for remote work or adjustable schedules, can be instrumental in enabling caregivers to balance their professional obligations with their caregiving duties. Additionally, comprehensive paid caregiver leave policies provide a critical safety net, ensuring employees that they can take time off to attend to their loved ones without fear of financial hardship or career setbacks.

Equally crucial to corporate policy is the culture created by colleagues and leaders. I vividly recall contacting David Reaves just a week before joining his team to inform him that my father had suffered a near-simultaneous heart attack and stroke. His response, urging me to prioritize my father first, allowed me to balance family and work. Years later, when my mother's memorial service was held, David, Scott Diep , Kamilah Thompson , and Emily Bien took the time out of their busy schedules to attend. Bola Oyedijo 's consistent check-ins and generous sharing of her own experiences have been a lifeline on difficult days. And I will forever be grateful for ?? Laura Moon-Taneyhill (LMT) , who selflessly drove hours to sit by my mother's bedside during one of her final hospital stays.

I don't typically share these elements of my personal life widely in professional spaces, but sometimes, vulnerable moments incite critical conversations. Today - on my mother's birthday and during Women's History Month - I hope to channel her spirit of making the road ahead less resistant for others. Through awareness, we can foster environments of empathy and understanding where caregivers feel comfortable discussing their challenges without fear of stigma or repercussions. By proactively implementing comprehensive family caregiving policies and practices, companies can unlock the full potential of their female talent while promoting a more equitable and inclusive workplace. And, as we continue advocating for resources, policies, and support systems, let us also celebrate and nurture the compassionate spirit that exists within our professional spaces.

Happy birthday, Mommy. We miss you.

Recommended Reading:

https://news.missouristate.edu/2023/04/28/appreciating-the-value-of-women-as-caregivers/

https://www.fastcompany.com/90911868/what-employee-caregivers-really-want-from-work

https://www.michiganmedicine.org/health-lab/sandwich-generation-study-shows-challenges-caring-both-kids-and-aging-parents

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/28/magazine/elder-child-care-millennials.html