My extraordinary Covid-19 quarantine journey in 10 points

Spending 14 days locked alone in a room is something.

My name is Ziad Hamdan and I was tested Covid-19 positive on 16 October 2020.

I remember very well when my wife called me to tell me I am positive. I was at home with my 2 boys (Kamal 7 years old & Nadi 3). I looked at them, run into my room & locked the door.

Feelings & Thoughts #1: Choc & Confusion

First, things got blurred in my mind. My youngest son Nadi didn’t understand what was happening. He followed me and started knocking at my door. I told him:

“Nadi, I can’t touch you, I can’ see you, I can’t be close to you; I am sick, I have Corona”.

Of course he didn’t understand and started shouting more and crying more. It is human, when something is forbidden, we want it even more. So, for days Nadi cried and shouted wanting to see me, to hold me in his arms (and I wanted too, badly, but I couldn’t). Then, he was angry at me, he rejected me repeating: “Didi Papa”, then he got used to the new rule and tried less to see me.

Kamal, at the contrary was so afraid to catch Corona that he was almost afraid to talk to me, even from behind the door…

After a tumultuous start and the sudden change, things started to normalize and we all got used to the “new normal”.

My wife, Asma, was my rock. Her strength at the beginning of the quarantine surprised me. I didn’t feel rejected from her, although she was afraid and she took everything in hand organizing my lockdown and food supplies. She even gave me strength sending me words of love and compassion written on small papers from under our bedroom door. These small words made the whole difference to me.

It is in those difficult times that we need the most the presence of our beloved ones. Covid-19 makes it impossible.

Feelings & Thoughts #2: Guilt

As soon as I knew I was Covid-19 positive, I felt I was myself a virus. My thoughts went straightaway to my entourage and the people I encountered during the last few days. Luckily, I had been locking myself in my apartment for 3 days. I was afraid to have contaminated my family members, colleagues, friends. There was this crazy feeling of guilt that accompanied me throughout the first few days of quarantine until I knew that everything was under control & I worked on my mental and those little voices inside my head to stop them from telling me I am Covid-19 and I am guilty.

Feelings & Thoughts #3: How will I stay in a room for 14 days?

I couldn’t even imagine how I can stay confined in a room for 14 days alone. It seemed to be an eternity to me. Then I remembered how my Yoga teacher tells me to manage the effort through focusing on the breath. He used to say: “take it breath by breath”. So, I decided to do the same with the quarantine: take it day by day.

Feelings & Thoughts #4: What will I do for 14 days?

Once I gave myself the needed time and space to process the situation, I came to realize that change is here and I should embrace it. I cannot continue my life as before for the 14 coming days. I need to create a new way of spending my time in a manner that is as productive as possible. So, I started creating a new routine: I organized my work with my team remotely, I created spaces in the room & time slots throughout the day for meditating, for reading, for working, for using the phone or the computer, for preparing food, for watching the television. And I created rules like not spending the whole day on only one activity (for example staying in bed, watching TV), dividing the day into slots of 2 hours, allocating time for resting as my body was dealing with a crazy virus, etc.

Feelings & Thoughts #4: Gratefulness

Once I realized what is happening, dealt with confusion & guilt and created a new structure for my days, I was ready to feel grateful. Grateful:

• That symptoms were mild
• I had a roof over my head with a beautiful garden
• I was taken care of, especially by my wife & my family

Gratefulness is a great feeling. Meditation helped me nurture it and keep it with me throughout the quarantine.

Feelings & Thoughts #5: Pain

Looking back today, I confess that I was tough with my body. As soon as the body pain diminished around the 6th day of quarantine, I returned to my normal yoga practice and I took a cold shower to energize myself. And that was it. I had an unbelievable lower back pain that kept me in bed for 5 days. I couldn’t even move and I was alone. The pain was huge and I had to do things by myself. Those were the most difficult times of my quarantine. From this experience, I learned that pain reminds us of the blessing of being alive and we tend to appreciate more all the small moments of happiness we spend with ourselves and our beloved ones.

Finally, on a positive note, maybe the fact I had to stay in bed for 5 days made it easier for me to endure the quarantine!

Feelings & Thoughts #6: Patience

It is not a surprise to me that during the time I spent in quarantine, I focused on the concept of patience. I have always been an impatient person. When time and space stopped during my quarantine, I had to deal with this concept and realized that waiting is natural. When we plant a seed in the earth, it takes time to grow and we need to wait to be able to enjoy the plant. After all, what are 14 days in the spread of a lifetime?

Feelings & Thoughts #7: Flow of energy

I was lucky to stumble into a book called “Cosmic Energy” by Anne Jirsch. I highly recommend it. I was always sensitive to energy flows and this book helped me acknowledge that I am not the only one and that there is science behind it. How this book helped me during the quarantine? By allowing me to travel beyond my body. Although my physical body was stuck in my room, I managed to travel through energy to other places and I felt less lonely by connecting to people from the comfort of my bed. It also taught me the real art of manifestation in 3 steps:

1. Have a clear image of exactly what you want. Build up this image in your mind with maximum details possible.
2. Bring this image to the now. Imagine you already have it.
3. (The most important step for me) Now let it go and let the universe do its things. This releases the energy to the universe. When the time is right, the manifestation will become reality.

Feelings & Thoughts #8: Reconnect with yourself

Staying alone in my room reminded me of university days when I used to live alone in Toulouse and had time to dream and think. One of the major positive outcomes from this experience is that I reconnected with myself. More precisely I reconnected with my creative & artistic self, that was neglected. As time and space had stopped, all my pre-Covid-19 concerns that seemed overwhelming stayed at the door of my room and I survived without them and the world kept turning! All my responsibilities also were frozen. My biggest responsibility was to take care of myself in order to win over Covid-19, and the rest was best effort. So yes, I reconnected with myself and realized how much we live in a stressful world and how we create our own limiting beliefs and stress and we get lost in these vicious circles. We tell ourselves stories and we believe them and consider them as reality. And when time and space stop, we realize life goes on without them; we realize they were not reality. I invite you all to stop, and tell yourselves new stories…  

Feelings & Thoughts #9: Fear of coming back to the real world

I was tested Covid-19 negative on 30 October 2020. I felt gratefulness for this experience, despite the pain. First thing I did is kissed my wife and kids. What a blessing!

I won’t hide that I apprehended the external world with its temptations, injustices, aggressions & troubles. I also feared that my stress and those little voices in my head will come back. Then I decided they won’t. I decided that I will manage my stress in a better way and realized that those little voices are not mine: they are the society’s, my parents, my teachers, etc. I invited these voices out of my head and welcomed the new me, slower, calmer, cooler, more artistic, more creative.

I am back. A new me. A better me. A more confident me.

Feelings & Thoughts #10: The post Covid-19

One week after the end of my quarantine, I realize that I am not as strong as I pretended and it was not a purely positive experience as I was promoting it. I focused too much on the positive and didn’t give myself the time & space needed to heal.

It was a tough one. The experience was tougher than what I pretended to myself and to others; it was not only the physical pain, but also all mental and emotional consequences. And it is not over.

To end on a positive note, I feel blessed for whatever comes my way. I will accept it, I will let it go and I will learn from it. After all, no matter what happens, life will go on…

Do not hesitate to share your feelings and thoughts here too !

Ziad Hamdan