My experience photographing Xiaxue
I haven’t updated my site or socials with my work over the past 3 years. I will be slowly sharing my archives and the stories behind the work because part of the process in which I make portraits is that I have to feel like I understand the subject in order to show you how I see them. I always converse with them before photographing them. It is my favourite part of photographing - having my perspective expanded.?
This series of portraits are probably one of my personal favourites because It was for me such an enlightening experience.?
This series with Xiaxue was created in September 2020, shortly after GE. It was previously published on Ricemedia.?
The article was headed and conceived by Edoardo Liotta and worked on to be produced with me. It was an interesting conversation both of us had to work through at the time because not many people wanted to associate themselves with Xiaxue unless it was for a spectacle/views. We wanted to avoid the opportunistic approach even though we admittedly had opposing views to her and did not agree with her actions.?But we genuinely felt at the time that what we wanted to understand where she was coming from in order to form a more thought through opinion. As someone who works in the media, we know that there’s always more than meets the eye when a story is presented online. It is our responsibility, to uncover the truth for ourselves as much as we can and not base it on someone else’s opinion. But at the crux of it, we believed that everyone deserves to have their side of the story heard especially when under such public scrutiny.?As you have seen recently, Xiaxue did that for Sylvia from NOC what no other outlet was willing to do, listen. We can’t help it as humans, we react emotionally and are unable to see beyond our own experiences most of the time. We project our morals and principles on people in public scrutiny without finding the facts for ourselves when it can be quite simple to start a conversation with them to tell them why you disagree with them/their actions. Even if they don’t respond, you have to make sure you have exhausted all possible ways in finding the truth before acting on your feelings. We do this in many other social situations e.g. catching a cheating spouse and I believe it is our utmost responsibility to find the facts before we want to “cancel” someone or make someone accountable for their actions especially in situations that don’t concern us.?
I have to admit first, last year during GE, I was part of the mob that tried to cancel Xiaxue. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t done it. I didn’t need to be part of the conversation. I am still completely embarrassed by my own behaviour and have since been able to apologise to her in person. Since then, I have seen an onslaught of people being cancelled. Among them, are a few of my loved ones. I have witnessed them being attacked by faceless keyboard warriors demanding accountability with no hard facts on the situation of their own. Just so driven to destroy a stranger’s life. We can be so merciless and ugly until it happens to someone you know.
During the peak of my unwarranted rage towards Xiaxue, my best friend gen said to me, “you know what, I really respect how she stands by her opinions unapologetically.” It was a simple statement but it spoke volumes to me at the time because it’s true. Why am I trying to force her to take my stance on things. Personally, I’d fucking hate it if someone forced me to take their view point and on top of that, intimidate me to do so. I honestly, would do the same as Xiaxue. Cause if you know me well enough on a personal level, I’m a fucking ah lian too. I was projecting all my minority experiences and how I think she should act, I was basically in a lot of ways saying “if you’re not saying the same thing as me, you’re against me.” with no actual discourse with the person on the receiving end. I quickly regretted my nasty behaviour but at the time I didn’t know how to apologise to her because she didn’t know who the fuck i was anw. I thought if I ever saw her on the street maybe I’d walk up to her and say sorry.
But I got lucky. As soon as I came to this realisation and regretted my action, I was serendipitously able to in a way find resolution to my action . Days after that, Ed had asked me to photograph for the piece and in my own little way by creating a portrait of her, do “right” by her mostly for my own solace.?
I looked through all the images of Xiaxue online and noticed that most people photograph Xiaxue but very little people make portraits of her even though she has been a longstanding icon. whether you hate her or love her, you can’t deny how iconic she is to our pop culture. I was happy I got a chance to meet and photograph her.?
I remember the day she arrived for the shoot. The moment she drove into the location I saw her iridescent Volkswagen and made an offhand remark about how you couldn’t miss her from the satellite.?
I was nervous mostly because I was ashamed of what I had done to her and was contemplating when I should apologise to her. I apologised as soon as I saw her and thankfully, she gave me the time of day as a faceless critique to engage on a discourse with her as to why I felt hurt by her words. I still don’t necessarily agree with all her views but at least I have a better idea what she means and where’s it’s coming from.?That’s the thing, I don’t have to agree and I don’t have to hate her. We’re just different people. At the risk of sounding like I’m on some moral high horse, like I’m better than you. I’m really not. I’m can be and was a fucked up bitch. The incident with her has made me consider a lot more before reacting aggressively and emotionally in contentious conversations. Also, to learn better how to agree to disagree, respecting someone’s perspective from their own lived experiences but still able to have a discourse on a topic even though we might seemingly come from different camps. Conversations are most interesting when there’s polarity in perspectives but openness on both parties to understand. I guess I’m sharing this because I would like to appeal to people when demanding accountability to put in the legwork yourself to understand the person you are disagreeing with had arrived to that viewpoint. For me, since the experience, when encountering someone deemed problematic by the masses, until I have all the information on the situation and have had a conversation with the subject, I shouldn’t come to such an absolute conclusion on things and above all, If I don’t know anything, I don’t have to be part of the conversation.?
Anyway, Xiaxue’s stature in person is gentle and soft-spoken (I mean I know she has her ah lian moments la but she’s not like scary in person) and you know what, she’s just fucking human and a super enjoyable person to converse with. She’s open to difference in opinion, at least in my experience with her. It was quite far-removed from how I had known her from the media.?
My favourite photo from the series is actually the second photo when Xiaxue went to her car to change her shoes so she wouldn’t look so small in photos. It was quite a ghetto photoshoot but she was super easy to work with. As she was sitting in her car and I was looking at her, It dawned on me in that very moment, Xiaxue is my favourite kind of woman. She is a strong self-made woman. She has worked alone, long and hard to created her own iridescent pink unicorn infested corner of the world but most of all, she is always unapologetically herself no matter what anyone says. That’s more than what I can say for most people.?
You can view the album here:https://www.instagram.com/p/CWm6ontPaE7/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
and the original article by Edoardo Liotta here: https://www.ricemedia.co/culture-people-no-one-understands-xiaxue/