My Experience at the Deep Democracy Intensive in Nairobi 2023

I hope this message finds you well. I am still digesting so much learning from my time at the Deep Democracy Intensive (DDI) in Nairobi a few weeks ago. Thank you to Liz Scarfe for helping me make sense on this journey with Process Oriented Psychology. It was a transformative experience that I believe will be percolating inside of me for a long while. I wanted to share some of my reflections with you all in a conversational and heartfelt manner because following my process this morning called me to. No other intent than that.

First and foremost, I want to clarify that I am not a large group facilitator by profession, as so many of my dear friends who have turned me on to Deep Democracy are. Sara Huang 黃詩惠 ???????? is a hero to me. Laura Grassi and Aleksandra Marszal-Bohdziul are two masters I met last year whose words I hang on to. And meeting Manal Sayid, MBA was a dream come true this year.

Even with over two decades of experience as a therapist, I feel a lot like a fuzzy, cute, wobbly drunk puppy dog beginner and I freakin' love it. It was pointed out owning my rank is an edge for me so I am enjoying that puppy dog feeling with some curiosity at the same time. I felt the puppy way a lot during my time in Kenya – eager to try new things and learn without the need to have all the answers.

Over the past week, I've had the privilege of speaking with several individuals who were curious about my experience and what I learned in Kenya. These convos influenced my impulse to write. It's challenging to condense such a profound experience into a simple post, so I decided to put together this newsletter to share some of the gems that align with the essence of the newsletter theme of Relating Well.

So, what did I learn from my DDI Nairobi 2023 Experience?

Relating to Myself:

One of the most liberating aspects of process work, personally for me, is the ability to soften and dive deeper into my own inner processes. It reminds me of the beautiful writings of Bayo Akomolafe – there's no fixed end goal, no need to impose utopia. Instead, it's about finding a profound communion with my own body, my community, my spirit, and the Earth and welcoming complexity. This journey invites me to soften into my own processes, in ways I never afforded myself before. I kinda of toed the line of what external forces suggested "good" was.

This year in the intensive, I found myself immersed in a deep process of grief and contemplation of mortality. Last year I was in a deep process of righteous anger so this was quite a departure. Some days, the grief became so heavy that I had to pause for moments of weeping. However, through this process, I discovered a sense of dignity in my own grief. It's as if something beyond words flirted with me, just as the spirits once did when they encouraged me to listen on sidewalks with Sidewalk Talk . Thank you Sara Huang for the recommendation of the book Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise. It was my intimate companion all week.

I am now flirting with the idea of holding grief spaces, though I must admit, my lack of confidence and "non-doing" process hold me back. Nevertheless, meeting someone like Innocent Musore and sharing dreams together about grief felt almost otherworldly. At the very least, I want to support his Youth and Reconciliation organization in Rwanda. If you feel called, check his work out.

Relating to Others

When I'm immersed in my own process, I find that I don't need to overthink my interactions with others. It's a deep connection with myself that allows me to flow with people without relying on the frameworks of psychology, coaching, or activism movements. Interestingly, the need to be liked or to be perceived as good seems to vanish completely when I'm with those who practice Process Work. I move towards people, away from them, alongside them, or even in opposition, and in this unique community, there's a prevailing ethos of studying this flow rather than passing judgment on it.

Within this setting, I've noticed that a part of me that often hides in the shadows of my relationships emerges—a jubilant, wide-eyed curiosity that is intrinsic to me. I also find that I can genuinely dislike or not be drawn to some individuals without harboring any negative feelings toward them. There's a clean, matter-of-fact "oh, not interested" feeling, and strangely, I can still hold love for them, even if they aren't my cup of tea. This experience has been radical for me and is one of my favorite aspects of spending time with this wonderful group.

Relating to My US Culture

Living in Germany now has provided some mild confrontation, but my time in Kenya was a more profound encounter with my own cultural imprints. At this moment, all I can offer is that I've gained a deep sense of cultural dignity and humility from the people I met in Kenya. The people I met at the conference and in my explorations exuded pride, a welcoming spirit, and a genuine curiosity about "my home," not taking at face value what the media may have told them about me or my culture. Tears well up and my chest aches as I reflect on this right now, and there is much more to process about it. I'll simply say that there is a profound grief for not having the chance to experience Kenya before the era of settler colonialism.

How to Relate to Elders

Meeting Max and Ellen, who lead The Deep Democracy Institute, along with Gill Emslie from the UK Process Work Community, Nathalie Poirier from the French Process Work Community, and Connie, a Kenyan woman in my small group who leads a community health clinic in Kibera, have awakened a longing for more time with elders. Elders at the conference left an indelible mark on me. They embody the wisdom of being powerful without abusing power. It's a knowing that can't be proclaimed or something you simply say you are; it's an embodied wisdom and vast perspective that you feel when you're in the presence of an elder. And it just feels damn good for me right now to be around them.

How to Relate to My Own Demands of a Perfect Teacher or Hero

Another cherished experience from being with these process work practitioners, even more pronounced this year compared to last, is that I no longer demand perfection. I may not agree with everything a teacher offers, but I've come to embrace imperfection with ease. "Oh, I don't like that. I disagree. But that's okay; I don't need a perfect hero. I can learn from you. I love you." My inner power and security create a space of flow in me and allow me to receive a lot from human teachers and elders rather than perfect heroes. I am liberated from expecting and even demanding a utopian experience. I've grown strong enough within myself to avoid reverting to an infantile state, needing leaders to be perfect "perfect parents" to the child in me. So, kudos to me—I believe my infant self isn't running the show anymore.

How Dance and Movement Lead to Relational Flow

To wrap things up on a playful note, dancing in Nairobi was an galactic experience for me. Picture this: a diverse group of people from our training, gathered around a large table near the DJ at an outdoor club. As the music cranked up, we had hosts from Kenya and visitors of all ages from Poland, Thailand, Italy, The Netherlands, Pakistan/Canada, Slovakia, the USA, France, and others so engrossed in the joy of dancing that soon, locals joined in the fun. Infectious joy is the best way I can describe this night.

Recently, I had a conversation with an Arab Muslim friend who shared that dancing was helping her cope with the emotions swirling within her about the war in the Middle East. I told her about my experience dancing in Kenya, and she responded, "I wonder if we could all dance together, we could make peace?" Since that conversation, I've been dancing more. It is helping my spirit stay open and soft in the face of war. And instead of sending articles and books to read, we agreed to send each other dance videos.

To sum up, Deep Democracy, as I came to experience it, is a non-linear, non-bullet-point, psychedelic journey (without the drugs) of exploration within large, diverse group processes. It challenges the conventional ways we've been taught to learn and exist together. Similarly, Process-Oriented Psychology, as I experience it, involves making contact with energies coursing through you that you may have marginalized but which seek your attention. When a person learns to flow with the personal and collective processes moving through them and trusts and follows them, a sense of satisfaction and even holiness is felt. Everything isn't comfy but there is holiness in honesty.

If you want to get involved, it's important to note that this path is counter-culture. If you're striving to get better at fitting into societal molds or you believe group dialogue should be highly structured and organized, process work will likely challenge you. I recently shared with my process work consultant that I was disturbed at how non-capitalist striving I am at the moment and how unfamiliar that is to what I learned was the right way to be. I said, "I have zero need to build a class or program, speak on a stage, or become an activist. Instead, I just want to continue training in things that inspire me, deliver excellent work as a therapist, post stuff when I am called on Instagram that doesn't follow any brand model, listen to diverse perspectives about the war, revamp my website to reflect my essence just because I want to, get a cat, and experiment with some really good soup recipes." I'm brand new to this following my inner guidance system but it feels shockingly freeing and empowering.

You might feel called to explore some training, and each independently operated organization is open to you. I find my way to each training I take a little bit like stumbling on magic. So search on the internet for Deep Democracy, Process Oriented Psychology, and go from there.

The programs I have participated in can be found here:

https://www.processwork.org/

https://www.susanhatch.com/processwork-101-waitlist

https://anzpop.org/

https://www.facebook.com/DeepDemocracyInstitute

If you find other Process Oriented Psychology or Deep Democracy groups or training you think people should know about, I welcome you to share them in the comments. Thank you to the Process Oriented Psychology and Deep Democracy Intensive community. A bow.