Will my depression and anxiety ever be gone for good? [Part 2 of 3]

Over the next two months, I joined weekly Zoom calls with the Ignite team and my fellow authors. The compilation book would hold the incredible stories of 50 female change-makers from across the world. So many different experiences, tragedies, successes, revelations and action steps. It was a lot to take in.

Initially, I was swept up in the wave of euphoria at following my dream and taking part, in becoming a published author. My children were on Easter holidays by now and we enjoyed camping in the garden (a little too cold for my liking!) and lots of Easter eggs. In the UK we were blessed with the most incredible dry and sunny weather for the first two months of lockdown.

However, after the initial excitement had worn off, the impact of lockdown started to bite. Three weeks of lockdown soon turned to six weeks and beyond. What had seemed a far-fetched idea to begin with, that those clinically vulnerable would be asked to shield for 12 weeks, became a clear reality.

Life was not going to bounce back to normal any time soon. The freelance work in the events industry that I had so enjoyed and regained my confidence with was unlikely to return for some time.

My children were missing seeing their grandparents, wider family and friends. We busied ourselves in the garden, digging in the sun, creating brick paths and vegetable plots with our bare hands. The decking was stained, the patio and fence jet washed, the spider-infested shed was cleaned out. All the jobs that had been put off were eventually done.

Now what?

At the end of May, as the book launch neared, I started to sense the first signs of another dip in mood. I was anxious about publicising and selling my book, self-doubt started to creep in. Selling myself does not come naturally. I’m happy to talk forever and a day about other people, businesses, products and services I believe in, but not myself. It feels fake. Even though I’m proud of my chapter and the book as a whole, my thoughts are ‘no one else is really bothered, they don’t want to hear about this (again!), I can’t do it!’

I go through the motions. I video myself receiving my delivery of books and opening the box — my daughter records this and I love her little commentary in the background! She has her own YouTube channel and is natural in front of the camera, far more confident than in person. I’m jealous of the confidence and ease with which she records her videos and I wonder why I can’t be the same. I’m constantly frustrated with myself for not living up to my expectations. I’m not sure where these expectations come from, they are all self-imposed and, at times, defy both logic and reason.

The virtual book launch day arrives. We have arranged to camp in the garden again and so battling with tents, camp beds and sleeping arrangements keeps me busy until my scheduled slot to join the Ignitearama Live Book Launch in the early evening. I have a glass or two of cold and fizzy Prosecco to calm my nerves and help me relax.

A number of family and contacts who have had an early preview of the book are joining me for my 15 minutes of fame and I enjoy the interview and feel I equip myself well. My daughter appears and steals the show! JB, founder of Ignite and host of Ignitearama is so sweet and encouraging with her. The Ignite team pull off the fantastic feat of providing a 12-hour marathon of live broadcasting with 50 authors and their associated support teams. We sit in the garden, in the awning of the tent, warmed and hypnotised by the flames from the chiminea, toasting marshmallows and waiting for it to go fully dark so we can try out my son’s new telescope he’s had for his birthday.

For the launch weekend, Ignite Female Change Makers is available to download for free on Amazon and all the authors have independently asked their family, friends and network to read the preview copy, download the kindle version and then leave a review. Downloads and reviews equal better Amazon rankings. We hit our target of becoming №1 bestseller on Amazon in 9 countries and across 26 categories. In the UK it is №1 in the Essays category for free books.

This appears to be a success but for me, it feels hollow. It is great that the book is available for free download and that this enables it to hit the Ignite targets of becoming №1 in multiple countries and categories. However, my inner critic comes out in force. I feel like a fraud!

I had not made good progress prior to the book launch in selling the hard copies (which are special author editions made to a higher quality than is available from the Amazon print-on-demand service). As I am not earning currently and haven’t been doing so for the last three months I feel under pressure to recoup the costs of investing in the book in the first place. I feel guilty for not fully considering the costs and requirements to self-promote and sell the books before I launched myself into this adventure. It had seemed like destiny to take part and so I dismissed the reasonable questions of my husband in this regard when I signed up.