Will my decisions cause mutiny?

Welcome to edition 56 of Leading with Empathy. I write this on a high after launching my new keynote here in Melbourne: Managing Pirates and Passengers.

In this edition, I want to share a bit more about the curiosity we need to have for our pirates and how empathic leadership doesn't mean making everyone happy.

What if they don't like me?

Early in my consulting career, I had the chance to work with someone who was simply a brilliant leader. At the time, he didn’t actually have the title of leader. We were peers in a team, but he was certainly wiser and more experienced than me and most of the other people in the team. Steve was a talented consultant but an even better people leader. I learned so much during those early years on managing stakeholders, handling conflict and finding solutions when everyone else was ready to give up. Steve and I formed a friendship on top of work, regularly grabbing a beer after work or cycling on the weekends around Sydney.

It was more than 10 years later that I would reunite with Steve. He was working to build a new team and needed some good consultants to help deliver the work. I jumped at the chance! However, after just a few months, I knew this wasn’t the right role for me. This put me in an awkward position. I really liked Steve and knew he really needed people to grow his team, but I also knew that me staying was the wrong move for everyone involved. I just didn’t know how to tell him.

I asked Steve for a meeting and he agreed. He suggested we go to a cafe rather than a boring meeting room. After sitting down, I was immediately feeling nervous about how to say something that I knew Steve didn’t want to hear. The waiter came over to take our orders and bought me a few seconds. Once the waiter left, Steve turned to me and said:

“Just so you know, our friendship is far more important to me than any job.”

It was like a line out of a movie, great timing and perfectly worded. Steve had obviously known that I wasn’t happy and that while my decision to leave would be a challenge for him, it was the right thing to do. He also likely observed that I was feeling nervous and a little guilty about having to leave, and he made sure this wasn’t the focus on the conversation. This was a masterstroke in empathic leadership.

As Steve highlighted to me so brilliantly is that our friendships and personal relationships should exist outside the decisions we make on specific issues and topics. Making a decision that my friend doesn’t agree with doesn’t mean I like my friend any less than before. Moreover, your decisions as a leader should be based on your best judgement using the data and information you have at your disposal. They shouldn’t be swayed by the opinions of friends who don’t have the same level of information or responsibility for decision making. If they have valuable information, yes you should listen and incorporate that into your decisions. Just don’t let their opinions overwhelm the decision making process based on your relationship alone.

One of the most challenging aspects of leadership is accepting that no decision will satisfy everyone, especially those closest to you. In the case above with Steve, my decision was not ideal for him, but he accepted it and used the opportunity to reiterate his value on our relationship which lives on strong to this day. Leaders must develop resilience around decision making. A strong sense of self-assurance is required to navigate the inevitable dissent and dissatisfaction that will be felt and often voiced by some people when a decision is made. Role modelling this level of acceptance and resilience is a critical element of a leader.?

It is essential to communicate openly and honestly, explaining the rationale behind decisions and acknowledging the concerns of those who disagree. Empathy helps deliver these more challenging decisions more gracefully and with greater clarity as it supports the alignment of the decision drivers with the uncovered needs, desires and beliefs of the people we are communicating with. By genuinely understanding the various stakeholders involved, leaders can explain decisions in a way that mitigates feelings of resentment and fosters a culture of respect. This will not mean everyone will be delighted. It will also not eliminate conflict. It can however transform what can be hidden resentment or underground politics into more constructive dialogue, where differing viewpoints are acknowledged, explored and valued.

In this way, empathy is a powerful tool for fostering trust and understanding, both before and after decisions are made. When leaders take the time to connect with their team members, understand their perspectives, and engage their views in the decision-making process, it fosters greater acknowledgement and respect.

Empathy breeds trust not just rapport

Leading with empathy transforms not only the way leaders make specific decisions but also the way they see the world. Empathetic leaders are more aware of the impacts of their decisions on various stakeholder groups as they have invested the time to better understand them, sometimes on numerous occasions or for significant amounts of time. They become more skilled at understanding others and more attuned with different stakeholder perspectives. Empathy allows us to build relationships beyond rapport. It allows us to build deep, trusting relationships that can be the catalyst for transformational change.

One powerful example of leading with empathy is Daryl Davis. As an African-American blues musician who travelled and played in bars throughout the deep South of the USA, Daryl had every reason to fear, avoid and despise anyone associated with the Ku Klux Klan (KKK). However, instead of letting hate be the fuel of ongoing fires, Daryl lead with empathy and embarked on a remarkable journey of reconciliation and understanding.?

Instead of avoiding KKK members, Daryl engaged with members of the white supremacist group to start conversations and even friendships. His approach was unconventional yet profoundly effective. Rooted in conscious curiosity, open exploration and a commitment to challenging entrenched thought models. Davis was able to look beyond the white hooded veils of hatred and prejudice to connect with the individual people and their own stories, fears, and vulnerabilities.

Many of his encounters would begin in unexpected ways. A chance conversation after one of his performances or a casual conversation at a bar. When many of the KKK members disclosed their affiliations and beliefs, Davis resisted the urge to respond in anger. He instead chose to listen to these individuals with curiosity and kindness, seeking to explore the deep roots of their racist beliefs. Listening attentively to their concerns and patiently building trust over time, Davis was able to establish a genuine human connection with people who initially saw him only as the colour of his skin.?

One of the most notable examples of his impact was his friendship with Roger Kelly, a former Imperial Wizard of the KKK. Davis had to overcome Kelly’s initial suspicions around Davis’s intentions but over time came to respect and admire him. Their friendship so deeply challenged Kelly's long-held and ingrained racist beliefs, he was forced internally to make a change.?

Roger Kelly renounced his ties to the Klan and publicly apologised for his past actions and hateful impact. This transformation underscored the power of an empathic approach. It will be conversations, connection and understanding that help us break down the barriers of prejudice and foster reconciliation in a fractured world. As Daryl says himself: "When we choose to listen instead of judge, we create space for empathy and understanding."

Through his work, Daryl Davis demonstrates that we can’t just fight fire with fire. Confronting others with condemnation or confrontation does little than to cement the battle lines for further conflict. Empathy, patience, and a willingness to engage with those who hold different, even prejudiced and hateful views, provides greater opportunity for everyone to walk away in a better state than before. By humanising the "other" and challenging stereotypes through empathic exposure, Davis showed that meaningful change is possible, but it sometimes happens just one conversation at a time.?

Don't miss out on this powerful masterclass that unpacks not only why pirates and passengers emerge, but how to give them effective feedback to drive real change.

Thanks again to you. I appreciate you and hope you are having a great 2024.

Regards

Daniel