My days are numbered, and I'm counting them.

Both of us fell into silence.

The same realization hit us, the same time.

Even though it was my question and his answer.

We shared a similar situation when it comes to our parents.

‘’Probably 10 times, max.’’, ?Michal said.

The number of times he still gets to see his parents in this life.

He calls the US his home, and his parents live in the Netherlands.

That moment came to my mind a few weeks ago during a phone call with my dad.

At the end of the call, I always tell him ‘’olet rakas’’, which in Finnish means ‘’you are a loved one.’’

This time I said ‘’I love you.’’, and a few tears came to my eyes.

In Finland, we don’t ever, say such sacred words as ‘’I love you’’ casually, we don’t yell out ‘’luv ya’’

After the call, I sat around our kitchen table and took out my journal.

Sitting there, everything seemed a bit more illuminated and precious.

I kept looking at my daughter as she was focused on drawing her cartoons.

My eyes got a bit watery again.

‘’There is a last time to everything.’’ I felt that in my stomach.

An immense sense of warm gratitude climbed from the pith of my gut to the top of my head.

I looked at the beautiful cup in my hand, created by my ex-partner (we still love each other, just in a different way), and I could imagine her putting her soul into it.

I looked at the table, the roof of our neighbor's house, a tree in our yard, the rice boiling on the stove - and ALL that it has taken for humankind to create these miracles.

Like seeing it all for the first time, AND last time.

Questions came to my mind.

How many times will I still get to:

Brush my teeth.

Hug my daughter.

Laugh with my family.

Drink a glass of water.

See someone smile.

Smell a flower.

Run in a forest.

Feel a sense of belonging to all humanity.

To hear the voices of mom, sister, father, daughter, friend.

Climb a tree.

Jump on a trampoline.

See a blue sky.

‘’How would I be present in life if I truly knew I had 365 days to live?’’

Now, another memory arose on the movie screen of my mind…

My dear Godmother in her last 5 weeks of life told me about a tree she had been watching.

At that point, she already knew she was going to die soon.

‘’I was looking at that tree like I’ve never seen it before, it was so wonderful, so strange, how could it even exist?’’

I think I’ve been quite intentional about my life for the past 15 years, however the past months of reflection have made it so clear to me…

What matters in life is presence, being present in and for life.

Presence makes everything more radiant and joyful.

And it makes the ‘’going nowhere fast’’ mode seem sad.

Because the numbers are ticking away even when we are not present in our lives.

How many hugs will you have with your loved ones?

How many loving words will you get to say?

How many moments of laughter?

How many times do you get to do something for others?

How many sunrises? How many moons?

We don’t know.

But the number will come down to 0.

One of them will be the final, the last one.

Knowing that in my bones, in my core.

Decisions become easy.

Presence is a priority.

Death is inevitable.

Life is found in appreciating that.

Seems to me so.

What does it seem like to you?

Thank you,

Niki