My Dad’s name is Helen: why giving the trangender community a voice this week is so important.

I am a straight, white cisgender male. This blog is not any attempt to talk about the experiences of someone transgender. Instead, it is a reflection on why I think ‘Transgender Awareness Week’ (which has been happening all week) matters, based on my experience of my Dad, Helen, telling me 20 year’s ago that she is transgender.

Within the queer community I feel the T in LGBTQIA+ is perhaps the least understood. Whilst a huge amount of good work has gone into normalising and celebrating gay, lesbian and bisexual communities, transgender and gender non-conforming people are constantly having to educate before they're able to even have a meaningful conversation that reflects the challenges the individual faces.?

When my Dad told me about her own experience she was keen to answer any questions I had. She always had, from the first moments of awareness, and knew that the biological sex of her birth was not reflective of the person she was (and still is). She offered me advice; transgender is not hereditary (my Dad shouldn’t have worried, I knew I was a fairly unrefined male by that point)! We had one excruciatingly embarrassing (and on reflection, funny) car journey from Newcastle to Essex, which whilst well-intentioned was not needed. What was clear was she was keen I had the knowledge I needed to understand what transgender is and meant for her, and our family.

I understood her anxiety around making sure I could ask the questions I needed to. At the time transgender people were not as visible in our society. Most people thought of Lily Savage or Eddie Izzard, transsexual acts on television with personalities removed from the kind of person we find in our working environment or community. This was doubly unhelpful as transsexual and transgender isn't even the same thing. So misperception and prejudice was easy to take root.?

Public perception unfortunately mattered to my Dad, whether she wanted it to or not, because she was a public figure. She was the vicar of Bedlington in the Church of England, and wrote for the Newcastle Journal as the North-East paper's wine writer, both roles she loved. Being able to be her true self meant seeking acceptance not just from her family, but the church and newspaper editors. For the Journal it was newsworthy. Female vicars were relatively new, nevermind transgender vicars with a family. They insisted that if she wanted to carry on writing that they have an exclusive interview with my parents. The outcome was a four or five page spread including the front-page, which led to the story being picked up in the national press.

Why do I think this is relevant to a discussion today? Because I saw the reaction of people who weren't educated, where my Dad wasn't able to talk to someone about who she was on her own terms, in her own voice. Her words were printed, and reprinted by people far removed from our lives in Northumberland. Bias, suspicion and intolerance was present in comments made by people who didn't know her. I know my Mum struggled as a teacher in a large inner city school in Newcastle.

I didn't care how my Dad presented herself to the world, so long as she was happy. On reflection though I did act and say things I'm not proud of in response to the reaction of others, especially when I felt vulnerable due to their misinformed and hurtful comments. I look back and feel ashamed that, at times, I fell short.?

It's through this experience I feel it’s important to draw attention to Transgender Awareness Week. It gives a platform for the transgender community to talk with pride in their own voice, in a way that builds love and understanding. It will make it easier for many who follow in their footsteps and try to find the words to tell their families, their friendship groups and colleagues who they are. All we can do is show them the compassion they need in that moment, to help give them the strength to outwardly be the person they always have been.

If you would like to join Nash Pride, the Nash Squared LGBTQIA+ ERG, we'd love your support and ideas.