My continuous pursuit of Personal Internal Growth

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I've been wanting to write this blogpost for a while... and have been battling just exactly how much to share, how to share it and what to include in it. The ambition of this post is to:

• First and foremost establish that growth is a continuous journey and always happening
• Inspire you on how you can get insights into yourself and work on your own personal growth

I hope to inspire you through my own story and what I've done over time, to help illuminate the hidden corners of my mind, shed light on unconscious behaviours or thought patterns and grow from the insights you get.

My journey has moved from a career coach to a psychiatrist to personality tests to a body therapist to astrology and science to a healer to more test - all in pursuit of insights about my inner workings. However, before we dive into those areas, I want to address two things - my fundamental beliefs and a bit about my background and the events that have impacted and/or scarred me, which where my obstacles to overcome (short-form).

Fundamental beliefs

First and foremost, I do not believe our capabilities are fixed - I fundamentally believe that we can achieve whatever we put our mind to (thanks Mom and Dad!), I've later learned this is best described as a growth mindset and is closely related to grit - but, heck, who knew back then? What I cared about was the ability to improve.

In addition, I believe that growth happens in the context of our vision or plan. When you obtain some insights about yourself, it will not be everything that resonates with you at a given moment in time. If you a looking to become a speaker, your mind will automatically look for the areas that you believe can make you a better speaker (maybe even unconsciously). If you are working to become a better parent, you will look for those things. Looking to be more present? Then you look for the elements that could block your ability to be present. It is all dependent on the journey you perceive in front of you.

My Growth Journey

The beginning - A Career Coach

It all started back in October 2008. I had started university in August, and had joined a student-volunteer organisation - C3 (now DJOEF) Students - and I learned that we could have a 1 hour session with the professional organisation's career coaches, to get a sense of our personality profiles and which careers they where typically working in. I was intrigued, I've always been fascinated about personal insights - and it could maybe help with my direction through university. I was 18 at the time.

So, I booked my one hour, and sat down with career coach Lykke (who remarked that I was probably the youngest she'd ever done this with), where she guided me through the Myers-Briggs personality types. Back then we ended up on “ENFP” as my personality type. The first letter is the introversion/extroversion scale - I've always been a bit of an ambivert, needing both to be energized - but - back then, the “E” was predominant.

What does the personality type ENFP mean?

It stands for Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. ENFP indicates a person who is energized by time spent with others (Extraverted), who focuses on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), who makes decisions based on feelings and values (Feeling) and who prefers to be spontaneous and flexible rather than planned and organized (Perceiving).

What did I learn from it back then?

The main take-away from me, back then, was about the intuition and feeling - It represented some “biases” that I needed to be mindful of in my daily life. While I did like facts and details, when it came to decision making I didn't always go into this area. Similarly, I made decisions based on my feelings - which is quite important to have in mind, depending on the situation. Being mindful of the elements allowed me to be conscious about what was at play in various situation.

The past that caught up - A Visit to a Psychiatrist

I was proceeding through university quite nicely, had landed myself a student position that gave me relevant experience related to the potential career I foresaw at the time, and had a fantastic manager (whom I later thanked in this post). Then, on a clear winter day, mid January in 2010 I believe it was, I felt a complete drain of energy - for three days I just couldn't bother and couldn't pick myself up to do anything. Job was part-time, university was on break so nobody really knew.

Physically, nothing was wrong and there were no external stimulus at play, no pressure at work or anything like that. So I couldn't identify the source of it, however, I knew that I wasn't okay and I did not want to risk feeling or going through this ever again. As part of my student job, I had access to a private health insurance, through which I could get 5 hours worth of psychiatry. I thought, they work work the mind and it must be located there.

What did i learn from it back then?

Not sure if it was the root-cause of things, but, I learned that I had some untreated stuff from the past towards my mom, which resulted in an unhealthy internal emotional environment. Through the course of the psychiatry, I came to a place where I mentally could comprehend, process and understand everything - which freed me up to move on, happier. But I'll emphasise the fact that I understood it mentally, I'll come back to this later.

Personal Insights through my career initiation

My career started in november 2011, when I landed a job in Sales for the company Mynewsdesk (awesome journey!), and through an HR led initiative we all completed DISC profiles back in April 2012. The results of my DISC is shown below here, and what stood out to the HR Manager, which I remember the most vividly, was that she'd never seen a score where the lines where so aligned between the various situations. Back then, I took it as a sense of pride - I'm 100% myself and authentic across situations.

What did the DISC teach me?

What I've mainly seen the DISC profile used for, is the facilitate work-place collaboration so that we know how each of us navigate and operate, so that we can best tailor our approach to minimise mis-understandings and maximise mutual gains. Not sure that is still the case, but at the time it taught me two things:

1. My profile was often the exact opposite of the sales reps - they where high D, high I
2. There where strong synergies when two with different profiles managed to figure out how to collaborate

Past catches up again - Next Round of Treatment

For context, I met my wife (then girlfriend) back in August 2010, and we became a couple in december 2010. For the first year, she was very timid and shy - she only started really being how true self (and a redhead with a temper!) after about a year. So, in our second year, together, we started having more frequent arguments - and over time, I noticed that there where some behaviours in me that caused some reactions that where disproportionate with the situations that actually happened. For instance, it could be a minor thing and she'd forget all about it quickly - but it could dwell in my mind for days, making me sad or uncomfortable.

By way of chance, in August 2012, I ended up in a treatment with a psychiatrist / something else. Suppose we can call it body therapy? She believed that we had scars/tensions that where located in our body, and we could release them by applying pressure. I went through some sessions with her, and I realised that I had a few internal things at work:

• I was irrationally afraid of losing those I cared about
• I didn't trust that those where in my life, where there to stay
• I wasn't comfortable with voicing my needs and demands due to the above two fears

I knew that this originated from my past experiences - losing my mother for a period of time - but I also knew that I had processed the things mentally, had talked things over with my mom and there was nothing more to gain from going down that path. I told my mom that the past was still impacting, and I wasn't sure how to proceed.

What did i learn this time around?

It was some significant lessons for my inner emotional workings, that come out of this round with a different psychiatrist:

1. You have not created other people's problems or emotions
2. You neither can nor should try to control those problems or emotions
3. You neither can nor should try to fix them (you can help, but it's not you responsibility)

This was important for me at the time, as I took way too many things onto my shoulders - and I've since then grown to have, what I believe, is a natural relationship to the above topics.

Stumbling into Alternative Treatments

While I was going through the psychiatry treatment in 2012, my mom was training to become a clairvoyant and through her studies she was exposed to the concept or practice of healing. She found that it did her good, so when I shared that I had something affecting me, and I couldn't fix it via psychiatry, she proposed me to try and go through this thing.

I'm not sure I believed the effects of it at the time, however, the one thing I knew was that I wanted to get better - and if there was a chance that I could fix the underlying stuff through this practice and it could lead to a better / happier life, then what did I have to lose? I accepted and over a periode of 7 months from December 2012 to 2013 I went through a series of treatments called the “Seven Chakras Healing”.

Did it do any good?

For me, this worked wonders and it connected me more with my inner works and it allowed me to increase my presence, not allow past scars to influence present behaviours and more. Of course this was combined with past efforts also, but truly a great experience. I'd go so far to say it healed something on a more subconscious level, which was the whole purpose - but of course you need to be mindful when seeking out these practitioners.

Back to Professional Growth

Time passed and late 2013 I stumbled across a 20$ test at the time from Gallup's Strengths Finder, which would provide you with your top 5 strengths (out of 34). Mine where: Achiever, Input, Learner, Responsibility, Arranger. The test sheds lights on what behaviours you value or how you resonate, and allowed me to reflect on the accuracy (it was high!) and the meaning of this for myself, my career and me as an individual.

What did I gain from it?

Well, first and foremost, the test provided a language for me to talk about what I was good at, which I've later found is especially useful for job interviews, CVs etc. - at least for the things that resonate. In addition, it provided a reflection exercise for me to really sit and digest the resonance with me and what it meant for my job content. For instance, the Input/Learner insights helped voice my need for constant learning and/or new experiences - and that I had a knack for gathering information and activating it. I needed to take that with me into my future career.

Insights via a Job Change

In 2014, following a personal learning moment with Mynewsdesk (they wanted to move my position to Stockholm), I had decided to change jobs. As part of that job hunt, I ended up with various tests from Thomas. The first one shown below here is a rating of my Emotional Intelligence (back in 2014), which - as you can see - ranked really high in the well-being factor and independent facets.

What did I take from it?

It confirmed the view I had about my own personal resilience - generally, I manage to push through situations, remain happy and unaffected by stress - with the ability to push myself forward. In addition, it created a language for me to talk to my new employer about when it came to me as an individual. Also identified a key development area - emotion management - which I noted down to be mindful own.

The application process also included a general intelligence test from Thomas, which you see below:

Again, it shed light on where the strengths are but also illustrates the area where I'd best ask for views and second opinions - but this test, to me, was more about a pad on the back (the achiever from before, I like to do well on tests). The real interest came in the conversation with the HR Representative, where we talked about my career aspirations vs. personality profile and intelligence test.

For this particular company, back then there was an IQ requirement if I ever wanted to move into a director-type position (i passed, yay) but the my personality profile - back then - was indicated not as a director type of profile, but more as the director's right hand. However, as she said, if that is my aspiration there is nothing stopping me, I just need to be mindful of the behaviours and areas they typically saw in CEO's, and have a strategy or plan in place to solve for the same.

Investigating movements in my profile

From 2012 when I first did my DISC profile and was in a Sales Role, I had moved into an internal role and further into a role as a Salesforce consultant. The DISC was redone following a conversation with one from my network, who'd completed the Innermetrics version of it, see below:

As you can see, since 2012 the natural behaviour is more or less the same pattern, however, there was a significantly greater variance in the natural vs. adaptive style, which I take as a positive, as it - to me - show a progressions towards being able to leverage different behaviours in situations that require it.

The Inner Metrics test, also provided a so-called value index which tries to shed light on underlying motivations. Mine came out like this:

The explanation the above yielded was:

• Low Aesthetics - You have a bottom-line approach focusing on functionality over form or Aesthetic
• High Economic - Your high drive for economic gain helps provide motivation through long projects and assignments
• Average Individualistic - You are not an extremist and able to balance the needs of both others and self
• Very High Political - You are a very strong leader, and able to take control of a variety of initiatives and maintain control
• Low Altruist - You won't be taken advantage of and protect your own turf and that of the team or organization
• Average Regulatory - You are able to balance and understand the need to have structure and order, but not paralyzed without it.
• Very High Theoretical - You are passionate about learning for its own sake. You are continually in learning mode and bringing a very high degree of technical or knowledge base credibility.

What I took from it:

There was great alignment between the value index and my current career and job role and the challenges I was facing at the time. In addition, I looked through the things to determine if my expressed values where in accordance with my perceived values and how I wanted to be perceived, and used that as a starting point to baseline my behaviours.

From Podcast to the human design system

I continued to grow my career and grow my personal insights, taking time of to reflect from time to time and seek inspiration from external sources. Part of this, was a podcast episode on the Unmistakable Creative which talked about the human design system. From listening to the podcast, it was clear that I had try it out. The human design system combines astrology with spirituality and a few other things, and as such is super interesting.

I completed the test in December 2017, which provided the high-level elements seen below - as well as a more complex diagram I haven't explored in depth.

I suppose the context of the human design system, is to outline the elements that comes natural to you and shed light on what is needed to act in accordance with your true nature. I cross-referenced the statements provided by the design system with my life so far, and found that there was a fairly high correlation between the good and the bad. What it means;

• Type: Manifesting Generator means you need to wait for what life brings you and respond to that according to your strategy
• Strategy: To Respond means that you shouldn't try to force things out of life, but rather wait for the opportunities that life presents and then respond to those incidents to decide whether it is right or wrong
• Inner Authority: Emotional implies that you need to endure the emotional high's and low's and not act from either point, but instead see things through before making you decision
• Not-Self Theme: Frustration is what I'd feel if I where living not in accordance to my true nature

Again, whether you believe in something like the human design system is not for me to say, but, it has a different approach to personal insights. The main thing is that you learn about things that can help propel things forward.

What did I take away from the above?

The findings where aligned with my experiences about how my life moved in the right direction and gave cues to what I should be mindful of, when it comes to the indicators of me not being fulfilled or acting in accordance with what I believe to be true.

Growing with Salesforce and beyond

The latest source of personal growth for me, has been via my step into the position as Team Lead within Salesforce. That has lead to tremendous growth through the experiences, but, also I have taken steps to conduct surveys with my team directly and Salesforce has conducted surveys which has further improved the insights into myself, my behaviours and more. But, for fun, when writing this, I decided to retrace my roots and re-do the initial tests, which have again shifted since the beginning of my career.

Looking at Myers-Briggs personality types, this type around i was ranked as (E)INFJ, which is - when reading the descriptions - more aligned with where I sit and act today, as my values has shifted. In addition, the new test stated that my results put me in the advocate profile, which is part of the Diplomat Role group. No idea what this means, but definitely something I'll explore to see if there are more nuggets of wisdom that I can explore, which will resonate with who I am.

I also re-did my DISC today, which shows that I've moved up on D, down on I, up on S and down on C - with significantly more differences between the natural and adaptive style. The report itself sheds more insights into the interpretation of the results, if you are curious on those.

The report also came with an updated values index, which you see below:

What is really interesting to see is the various moves as the first one was done early in my career and the latter is done 6 years later, with my life situation being completely different. For the 1st one, I was just starting the career, where as from second one I am married, with my 4th company, have bought a house, bought my second car (replaced first) and a tonnes of personal experiences richer.

• Aesthetic has increased with 23 points, with a description now being: “You very much prefer form, harmony and balance. You are likely a strong advocate for green initiatives and protecting personal time and space”
• Economic has decreased with 37 points and wordings are now: “You are a team player and may put others' needs before self.”, this is very much in accordance with being more established and more secure.
• Individualistic has increased by 18 points, and now states that “You have no problem standing up for your own rights and may impart this energy into others as well.” which is in accordance with more senior.

For the rest, the scores are more or less identical, showing stability across my ability to take credit/responsibility (political), still being concerned for others (altruist) without giving it all away, not being paralysed by lack of structure (regulatory) and remaining passionate about learning - even for learnings owns sake (theoretical).

Wrapping Up

As I hope to have presented you with here, the path for learning and personal insights is never ending - and never stable, unless you believe it so. I fully believe that you grow based on your situation, your context and your vision for yourself - and it is never stable.

You change based on your experiences and your desires - becoming economically free does one thing, becoming a father does another, being fired does a third. Maybe you seek fulfilment, maybe you seek to become a people manager, maybe you seek to be free from managing people. Whatever your situation is, the only thing I believe to be guaranteed, is that growth is the only constant, as long as you want it to be.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long post.