MY COACHING TOOK KIT

 Last t week I penned an article captioned, "ARE YOU READY TO BE COACHED , appealing to the aspiring Coachees to do some soul searching before getting to be coached. Happy to see encouraging views and counterviews ,which was precisely the purpose of the article .

In this article , I wish to share a few simple tools or approach that seemed to have benefitted my coachees and hope that it may benefit a few more.

“Here and Now, this moment is real, Now or Never,” and many more such well-intentioned advices and comments from the sidelines are tossed at the ones who seem to be at the cross roads of life and work. More often than not such advices tend to be counterproductive because we shout out from the “apparent “view, which may not / need not be the true reflection of the person needing help at that point of time .

Last year I was introduced to a successful leader in early forties (yes, but in the eyes of others, she said , wryly! ) by her previous mentor to help her out as a coach with a few things.

The issue described was this:

“there was sudden drop in her momentum and enthusiasm across all aspects of work and life for which she was well known and appreciated. But, oflate she feels quite emptied out emotionally and comes across a bit weird and clueless and people close to her see it clearly “.

In my first few conversations, she came across as so majestic, clear and defending her terrain thru intellectualization . But as I watched her in silence , her trust in me seems to have improved, and the mask dropped when she said that “in twenty years of work, this is the first time I am going thru this and feel ashamed “. Tears rolled over her cheeks, now that the words have given permission to cry !

As I observed more, I realized that she was carrying a heavy dose of guilt within her for some reason , that lead her even to discount all her success stories! This in turn was affecting her intrinsic drive to excel which had been the fodder for her over the last twenty years at work. In the eye of others, she is a role model and worthy of emulation and but within herself she is the just the opposite.

WHAT WE DID ?

When we both began to work at it, we were clear that some solution needs to be thought about to deal with it but neither of us had any views. Most times, the issues apparently started as work related but ended also being issues at home and vice versa . This explorative journey of  around eight weeks helped us  to diagnose  the following in the process:

1.   She had set a very high standards for herself not only at work, but also in all other areas of life but those standards were not met by others most time. Infect in her compelling need to meet those standards, she gathered quite a bit of critics around her

2.   Unconsciously she had developed the habit of comparing her great deliveries at work with the other’s not so great accomplishments in their areas and felt unappreciated.

3.   Her extreme focus on work actually numbed her feelings in other areas as a result her quality of decisions in these areas lacked the needed thinking.

4.   Quite often she made the statement, “I feel a sort of vacuum all at a sudden and everything looks blank “!!

HOW DID WE WORK OUR WAY UP ?

Together, we tried out a few ideas and concepts to address the multiple issues as listed below .

1.   Practice, Let Go:

Intelligence / memories are twin edged swords! The more we try to let go, the more they haunt us. This is a universal truth. We have been living thru this phenomenon right from childhood, when something is denied, we fight to get it and it continues even when we become adults. She was so struck in her past experiences that, anything newer in terms of ideas that do not fit with her own experience of the past data, was not welcomed by her at a deeper level tho superficially she seemed to agree with the new ideas .

 As a Coach, hence, whenever she used to make a reference to her past in coaching conversations, I nudged her to refrain from getting there and encouraged her look at issue on an “as such basis “ . With some amount of help, she got over the cliff and such references dropped in numbers.  Yes, it took a good amount of time .

 2. Sense if it is, “right or left” brain issue?

“Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast “- Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet.

Sure, it is a bit confusing to think or feel about issues and situations in such a black or white mode always. If we reflect upon our own failings as humans and leaders, we could count so many occasions when our feelings were ignored or our great ideas were shot, even before being shared or we doing exactly the same to/with others .

Feedbacks on her revealed that most times, she used to block out the space of emotions and took a straight, logical call on issues that concerned with her work and team. This unwillingness or inability to factor emotions when required or the tendency to just go the opposite purely with gut, devoid of data , was turning out to be a show spoiler for her.

As a coach, when we discussed this pattern, she was beginning to realize her own folly of not balancing between emotions and logic when she has to take decisions and admitted that even during her growing up stages also, if she took a stand on a matter, she found it difficult to change on someone’s advice that easily!

 As a practice we worked on to inculcate the habit of “pause, sense, figure out, right, left or both brain “type of situations. Over time, follow-on feedback showed that she has made good improvements in looking at key issues both at home and at work using the prisms of emotions and rationale. Today she has developed a better frame of reference to arrive at balanced decisions and a also a lovable mentor to Gen Ys at her work.

3.  Issue of Unidimensionality:

Once an outstanding athletic coach said, “if you want to win the race on the race day, don’t run the previous day and train aggressively, rather, spend visualizing the event in mind “.

The core message in this advice is simple: “Take a break and do something different “!! And we heard our Grandparents (pre covid era variety) often reciting the proverb “all work an no play makes Jack a dull boy “too well.

I asked my coachee a few innocuous questions such as :

a.    When was the last time that she did what she liked the most at her younger years?

b.   What she was very good in those years apart from academics and what among that she pursues even now ?

c.   Can you recollect two or three big things that you did away from work during these years?

Predictably, but no different than other “burnt out” executives, her guilt laden eyes said it all! She confessed that despite being a University level swimmer which helped her to get admission in a very good college, she never wore the swim suit after joining the rat race in the Corporate jungle. 

Fortunately, these questions also enthused her to explore herself deep down and over the next few weeks. When she met me after this intervention, she showed me the list of three activities that defined her in her teens and also shared the smart timetable she had made to pursue. Adding newer dimensions or re connecting with those lost, by themselves can be so uplifting for any, and if that AHA moment comes on its own , then it is a sure shot game changer for the coachee . I was thrilled to see the twinkle in her eyes, and joy in her words and now it is six months since we finished the assignment and I keep getting the snaps of her going mad over the three fountainheads of joy. I asked her as to “what happened to those problems “? just to pull her leg and she retorted,” What problems Coach, I have only solutions these days” and laughed like a child!!

I know the bird is out from the cage and will find its own nest now happily!

My own learning as a Coach, I realize ,is to help get them the balance in life and the rest will follow .