My Chinese Friend

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I recently re-discovered that one of my best friends from childhood, with whom I still train with when I'm in NJ has another name. He told me this when we first met in 6th grade, but 25 years later, figuring out his entirely separate Cantonese identity was like a betrayal at first in my initially small consciousness. Americans have been raised to think everything revolves around the US...especially Manhattan. Getting over the fear of learning a new name, and a new language, and seeing how he impacted me in retrospect, is a gift of wisdom I'd like to share. When I got clear on my priorities and accomplishing a basic goal of learning to speak Mandarin, so much is shifting in my mind and reality. However, the spark all started at Stan's house pretending we'd be New York Knicks one day.

Let me tell you about my boy S-bone. My friend is 5 foot 5, and about 140 pounds. He may not be physically imposing at first glance, however, he's in the 1% of weightlifters our age, easily crushing 2X his body weight on almost every set we do. He is the envy of Piscataway, NJ's 24 hour fitness when he's not working a 9 to 5. He doesn't even know we are all in awe of him in the gym because he's just focused.

I basically grew up at his house after school. Back in the day, I've stayed with his grandparents in Chinatown for weeks when I couldn't afford a hotel or NYC apartment. The Chinese food his family fed me was so different than the local restaurants. In school, he pretty much refuted everything the teachers taught us about backwards China. I understood his perspective even more when I traveled to Hong Kong, and in my own travels in the mainland.

The day before Mindfulness Capital brought me to Hong Kong, I took my baby over to S-Bone house to meet his kids. I noticed a shrine to his departed Grandfather. This led me to realizing I need to visibly honor my ancestors everyday...not perhaps in a Buddhist tradition, but practically. S-Bone's family taught me my first Cantonese words, especially how to avoid getting hustled and scammed in Hong Kong. They have shown me some differences between Cantonese Diaspora in Lower Manhattan, and Mandarin speaking populations. In fact, at this point it's pretty fund that I know more Mandarin words than my Cantonese American brother. However, practicing with him is a safe space to build confidence.

I don't utilize the word "hate" much, but I HATE American media and news. Every day, there seems to be more Anti-China propaganda. I am sure China is not a perfect place, but I've discovered from my Chinese American NYC/NJ friends, Anti-Asain sentiment is a real thing. I haven't touched on this too deeply, but I would like to personally let all my Chinese friends and family know, wo ai ni. The level of Anti-China propaganda in American media may be affecting you in ways of course as a Black American I can identify with of course. We are portrayed as ignorant, stupid, savages. However, it's about you... You are seen, heard, and felt.

That said, today's post features a story S-Bone hitting his bench press max he told me he'd hit in high school, but I didn't believe him truthfully. What makes this special, I should note is S-Bone can't take protein or supplements because of a health condition. Although 305 bench is not a lot of weight for a bodybuilder or pro athlete, for a 140 pound, 38-year old Suburban Jersey Dad of 2 taking care of 10 people at any given time, that can't take protein, and has a full-time Corporate job, my boy is super elite and inspirational. He's helped transform my life and that of many others.

This isn't about a bench press. Here's the point:

1. If you don't have friends from a different culture/ethnicity, you are missing the point of being alive right now. Unless you're in prison segregated by race, there's no excuses to having genuine relationships with people that don't check your census box. Not just "token" friendships either. Real, raw, authentic, especially if they can be lifelong and give space for vulnerability, success, failure, and motivation through the evolution.
2. Showing up for good friends is showing up for yourself and humanity. Even when you don't feel like it. You may end up pushing 10X more people an extra 5%, which over the long-term makes a huge difference in the world. I would also like to thank S-bone for telling me about myself and wisdom for you all. Apparently, only on the days I come to the gym, does anyone hit a PR. I didn't notice this until our other friend explained this, but my screaming and playing hype man adds an extra 5% to his capabilities, therefore impacting his entire family and house. Maybe 1-2 people in my blood family of 100+tells me how much I impact them. I get that from my friends. You can't do life without friends. For entrepreneurs, CEOs, SOLOpreneurs, life is more than business and even family.
3. Honoring our ancestors visibly everyday is a key to life. If S-Bone's Grandpa hadn't opened up his home to me starting in middle school, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in today as a man and professional. I would be just as stupid and ignorant as most Americans on dealings in China and with the Chinese Diaspora, believing whatever the news says and ignoring challenges my friends may face. Re: our ancestors, Black Americans have completely lost their identity and sense of family. With 80% of babies being born to "single moms" now, let's just say COINTELPRO worked. I see more coming into the truth about our lineage.My Chinese friends have shown me that. I recently went to Ghana and produced a few rap videos with the top up and coming Afro Trap DJ, DJ Yoga. (I'll get to my African friends next...) We stand on the shoulders of giants.
4. Don't be afraid to try something new. You will suck at first. Like any overachiever, I hate not being good at things. My Mandarin is of course not great. My ego is tattered. I realize I too have huge gaps, and thus room to improve. While I'm not ready to get dropped off in rural China without an iPhone, my mandarin is getting me significant discounts at the local Chinese restaurants...I've also gotten to interact with Senior Chinese officials with whom I'm sure US Congressmen and women haven't even had access. Who knows how else it shall pay off the more fluent I become.