My Childfree Guilt

I rarely talk about my decision to be childfree openly. Truthfully, I’d always been uncomfortable when asked at work if I have kids. There was usually a moment of awkward silence when I told colleagues that I don’t. I would feel the judgement - or the curiosity - linger in the air for a few moments before I’d quickly change the focus to something else.

I knew I didn’t want children since I was a teenager. The older I got, the more I was sure this was the right decision for me. I wanted a life of adventure, travel, freedom and flexibility. To be able to move around freely, to not make life decisions based on the best schools. I wanted the financial independence that comes with not having children. After university, I couldn’t imagine giving up my career to raise kids. I worked so hard for my degree! I also couldn’t see how it was possible to be successful at both a career and parenthood.

People told me I’d change my mind, but I didn’t.

My career in the exploration industry gave me plenty of opportunities for the adventure and travel I craved. I left Canada when I was 27 and moved to Norway for work, and later London. I met my husband whilst mountain biking across the High Atlas Mountains in Morocco. After 6 months of dating, we both quit our jobs and travelled across New Zealand and Fiji. We came back to the UK and settled for a while in Scotland, before returning to England.

Before we married, I told my husband my ambivalence towards parenthood. Thankfully he felt the same way. We agreed we’d find other ways to contribute to the advancement of humanity.

And so, my career became my big focus. Without the distraction of motherhood, I dived into work without the guilt I saw many of my colleagues dealing with. But the higher I moved up the corporate ladder, the less I wanted to share my childfree status.

My consultancy career meant I travelled regularly and often worked long hours. In my 20s and 30s, it was fun and energising, and of course, I was compensated well. But in my 40s, I became resentful. I missed countless gym classes (after packing all my kit, hauling it on the train and promising myself I would go) and stopped signing up to evening activities. I bought myself a new piano, with the promise I would practice “at least 3 nights a week”. It went untouched for years prior to my redundancy.

I had no experience in my 20s and 30s of exerting boundaries. In fact, it was encouraged to say yes to everything! Showing initiative and willingness to take on more responsibilities were key to promotion! How was I equipped in my 40s to say, with confidence, “no, I can’t do that”?

Even though I had the perfect situation, with dual income and no kids, we rarely had more than a week off at a time. The adventures dwindled as I became too exhausted from travelling for work to consider travelling for fun. My lack of boundaries and propensity for people-pleasing meant despite no kids, I still felt entrapped in a life that didn’t align with what my soul really lusted after: freedom, adventure, flexibility and autonomy.

It's hard for me to admit this, but I resented parents who left work at 4pm to spend time with their families. I wanted to leave too. “I’m off to my yoga class now, I’ll log in later!” didn't seem acceptable, especially pre-pandemic.?

Towards the end of my corporate career, I started to outright lie about my parental status. Once I was asked to be on a project that would require me to be away from home 4 nights a week, to which I replied, “no sorry - kids!”. When I started on a new project, I considered fabricating a pretend child, someone I could pin my morning absences or running out of boring meetings on.

I knew my days were numbered as an employee. I couldn’t keep selling my soul for a paycheque. I needed an environment where I could feel safe to be authentically me. Safe to say, “I’m not travelling for that project” or “I’m taking the morning off”, without having to add “because I have motherly responsibilities”. Without judgement or guilt about needing time to recharge myself.

I wonder if, post-pandemic, times have changed for women without children in the corporate world. Are childfree and childless women empowered to set their own schedules, or refuse to work away from home for extended periods? Do women who don't have or want children feel free to leave work early to engage in meaningful activities? Is it possible to have a successful consulting career, and move into leadership roles, whilst maintaining impeccable boundaries? I hope, in 2023, the answer is “yes”.