My Chat with the Earth

Forget about saving the planet – let’s save ourselves. It’s all relative.

So I’m at the bar and who walks in but The Earth. That’s right – but he’s not “Mother,” he’s a guy. He sits down next to me. I say, “Hey, it’s not everyday I get to talk to the earth in person. Let me buy you a drink.”

“Thanks,” says Earth, “but I hope this isn’t you’re way of ‘saving’ me. You know, you humans can be really annoying. You’ve been around – what – a million years or so?”

“Well, yeah, but what’s the point?”

“Look,” says Earth, taking a sip of the Manhattan I just bought him, “with all due respect, I’m pretty capable of taking care of myself. Do you have any idea how long four-and-a-half billion years is? Yet me put it in perspective for you. If I was a year old, your time on my planet – and I’m talking about the first time one of you guys got off your knees and walked out of a cave – it’s less than a second. Microseconds.  You know, I hate to burst your bubble, since you bought me a drink and all, but you humans are pretty insignificant.”

“Insignificant? What the Hell?  Human ingenuity has no bounds – I mean, come on – we invented the Internet! And burgers with no meat!”

“Yeah, funny. Now the dinosaurs – they were significant. Of course, nothing like cockroaches. They’ve made it for over 300 million years – and they’re still thriving.”

“Dinosaurs? They’re extinct – they didn’t even survive.”

“Look kid, let’s go back to this time thing, of which your species apparently just cannot comprehend. Those dinosaurs, who you write off as insignificant, were, in fact, walking around on me for over 165 million years.  Do you realize the time between the extinction of the Stegosaurus and the first Tyrannosaurus was longer than the time between the last Tyrannosaurus and the first Man?  Those dinosaurs – they were grand. They’d still be here today if that damn asteroid 65 millions years ago didn’t smash into what you guys Mexico today.  But they never thought about saving me. See – the scale of time, and distance - the universe – it’s just way to far out of your comprehension of relativity. For example, you co-exist with ant colonies, right? But do you think ants can grasp and understand the scope and scale of human existence? And do you think ants worry about “saving the humans?”

“Yeah, but Earth, come on – all this fossil fuel we’re burning – come on man, we’re killin’ ya!”

“Killin me.” Scoffs. “Not only don’t you get time. You’ve got no concept of the force and power I have. Power to restore – or destroy.”

“Destroy?”

“Yeah, of course. Little while ago – I guess around the year 450 as you measure time, I let loose a little volcano in my lower hemisphere. Well, actually, I blew up a mountain – but I’ve got a lot of them, you know? Anyway, you wanna talk climate change?  That was pretty awesome. Winter for about three years. A nanosecond for me – but long enough to kill about half of your puny species. And the effects on my climate lasted for over an entire human life span.  Hard to grow crops with no Sun, you know? But I’m always warming and cooling – humans are here because I’ve been pretty calm for the last several million years.  Because, you see, your existence here is pretty fragile. Man, you should have seen me a couple billion years ago! I was really cranky then, and wiped out all life and started over again. You call it ‘The Great Oxidation Event.’ Kinda funny – like it was an Ultimate Fighting match.”

“So you’re saying you’ll do that – the volcano thing - again?”

“I’m not threatening you kid – just sayin’ that I’ve got powers far beyond your comprehension.  You guys have been lucky so far – but then again, you’ve only been around for less-than-a-relative-second, like I said. I’ve got volcanoes and earthquakes and storms on a scale that humans have never seen. And then there all other kinds of threats that even I don’t control – like those pesky asteroids, and radiation, right? Humans? You are so arrogant.  You’re no more than fleas arguing over who owns the dog. But trust me – you don’t have to worry about asteroids. You’re petty squabbling between your tribes will kill you all off well before the 165 million years the dinosaurs made it. I hate to tell you kid, but in the big picture of my existence, you guys look to me just like another failed species. The Dodo bird comes to mind.”

“You’re sayin’ humans don’t worry you – what does?”

“Ha! The Sun, man.”

 “The Sun?”

“Sure, the Sun.  We all die.  One day the Sun burns out, and I get sucked into the black hole it leaves.  And I’m finished.  Basta.  And so are you – but, long, long, before that happens.  What I’m saying kid is this: Stop worrying about me – I’m fine.  And I’ll still be fine long after humans are no longer here.  Clean up your own act – stop the nonsense between your own races – it’s so silly.  Your time here is borrowed – and short.  Like I said, your existence is very fragile.  It’s all about priorities, kid - and I'm not one of them.  You have bigger issues to worry about than me.  I wish I could say you humans could give the dinosaurs a run.  But I’m not betting on it – you haven’t even been able to get rid of those damn cockroaches.  Gotta jet – thanks for the drink.”