My Brutally Honest 90 Day Reflection

To prepare for my 90-day development session, where August and myself evaluate whether our partnership is a good fit, I was asked to write a reflection in which I measure myself against our baseline capabilities: dependability; self-awareness; learning and listening; equity, diversity, and inclusion; and navigating a self-organizing system. I have a strong incentive to keep my job and make myself appear competent and credible. I decided to be brutally honest instead. Because the most powerful thing you can do is tell the truth.

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Dependability - I’m what Gretchen Rubin calls an ‘obliger’ which means that I meet external expectations, but I resist internal expectations. When someone depends on me, I can make it happen, but when I set my own goals, I have trouble meeting them. It’s why I haven't launched the podcast despite my excitement, or why I’m up late doing this self-reflection (because I told people I’d have it to them by EOD). I dropped the ball on a key communication which should have had a much faster turnaround (because I was new, there wasn’t much pressure), and have tried to learn from that in other business development conversations. For the most part, I don’t think demands on my time or capacity have been maxed out yet, so I haven’t had too many opportunities to drop the ball - but I’m sure I will, and I hope people will share that feedback with me.  

Self Awareness - I consider myself self-aware, but am still figuring out how to do something with all that information. For example, I was feeling stressed about biz dev goals when they first came out, and I can tend to monopolize airtime with my ideas and anxieties. Several people I interacted with that day called out my anxious presence. I want to develop a calmer and more thoughtful presence and make sure I’m creating a healthy emotional space rather than frantic energy. Also, I thankfully haven’t had this moment at August yet, but if I feel threatened (read: I feel like someone thinks they are better than me, or smarter than me) I have in the past made jokes at their expense to cut them down and save face. I used to do this, feel shame and then avoid that person indefinitely, in the past five years I’ve learned to quickly and sincerely apologize, and now I’m on the third and final stage of development which is just not fucking doing it in the first place.

Learning and Feedback - I love feedback, I try my hardest to welcome it generously, and I do everything I can to quickly and continuously increase my effectiveness.

Listening-  An exact quote from every report card 1st-12th grade “Alexis talks too much and is a distraction to her peers.” This is true and will always be true about me. As I’ve matured in my career, I’ve tried to be deliberate about listening first without just rehearsing my response, and I have made great strides. I lean on my natural curiosity to ask questions and create space for others to talk. I don’t think I’m perfect at this- sometimes I catch myself responding too quickly without listening like today in a feedback session with Mike, I found myself reacting first and then trying to make sense of his feedback later, which is a downside to my talking affliction.  I will continue my listening journey and welcome any feedback or tips.

Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion - For years I got cast as the ‘diversity person’ because I am a vocal feminist and person of color in people operations. As I grew, I realized that this work is important to me, but at my core, I want to be known for a different set of skills. That said, I remain committed to understanding my privilege and how it affects how I show up.  I am aware that although I am a POC, people who look like me typically aren’t killed because of the color of our skin. It’s vital for me to understand systems of oppression and work to eliminate them.

Navigating A Self Organizing System -  I was made for this.

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So, how'd it turn out? The meeting went well, and I'm still at August. :) I was able to be honest because I feel safe here, and knew that I could enlist the help of others in holding me accountable to my personal goals, even when it is unpleasant or uncomfortable. Writing this took a lot of energy, but opening it up for others to see and react to felt exciting, and real. I’m glad I did it, and I look forward to sharing an update on my growth a year from now.