My Broken Brain

Someone asked me why I called this site ‘What The Fuck Was That”. I named the site because when you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, you are left dumbfounded, asking what the fuck it was that just changed your life in the blink of an eye. You are left reeling for hours, if not days, wondering what the fuck it was that just caused your life to explode right in front of your very eyes. It’s hard to explain how it feels, really. It’s impossible to understand unless you have had one of your own ‘what the fuck was that’ moments.

That’s all it is really, just a moment. A moment that changes your life forever. A moment you may come to curse at and fear but it’s still just a moment. Life is made up for moments, good and bad.  Being diagnosed with a chronic illness definitely counts as bad. Being supported by your family and friends is a good one, so hang on to it with all your might. In my case, I drove my family mad because I acted like I was mad, but they stood by me.

Due to the spots of inflammation in my brain, I was paranoid and exhibiting symptoms of Bi-Polar II. I was put on medication after medication. None of it worked and most of it just made things worse. Sleep was impossible so I could quite often be found re-organizing my cupboards at 3:00 in the morning.  I watched a lot of movies on those late night/early morning insomnia sessions. I had a rule. If I was sill awake at 4:00AM then I would just get up. It made for many a long day and I watched a lot of crappy movies but I cut down on the frustration of lying in bed and not being able to sleep.

I went for the occasional 3AM walk. We lived in a safe neighbourhood and I took my phone with me and stuck to lit streets. I would come home feeling invigorated but no closer to sleep. As I said, I was paranoid. I couldn’t go out without being convinced people were talking about me. If anyone looked at me, they were talking about me behind my back, even when I didn’t know them. I snooped around at home, convinced my husband was going to leave me and was ‘just waiting for the right moment’. My family was scared of me and didn’t know what to do with me. They didn’t believe I was crazy. They were all talking about me and telling lies. These are just a few of the crazy things I believed.

It was a fucked up time and there really is no other way to put that. I was doing and saying all sorts of crazy things and landed in hospital for a week to stabilize me. Worst experience of my life. EVER. I will never go back and now that we know it was brain inflammation, I don’t have to. I have side effects or deficits because of what the inflammation left behind – lesions. It’s annoying and embarrassing because I say and do stupid things that the old me would never have done. There is short term memory issues that require me to write things down so I don’t forget. I forget appointments if I don’t write them down and I have the calendar on my phone, my organizer, a calendar on top of the fridge and a whiteboard calendar on the side of the pantry. I have to give something my undivided attention or I might forget things.

I seem to have lost the filter that stops you from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am honest and seem to have lost that filter that stops you from being brutally honest. People don’t like that. I always ask myself how I would feel if someone said what I am about to say to me. That helps. People don’t like it when you are honest but honesty really is the best policy. It may cause anger and tears but think about the potential damage of lying while also thinking of the price of honesty. Everything has a price.

I live with my broken brain. I have found ways to compensate. I write things down a lot. I make notes. I read and re-read things. I ask questions. I research to be prepared. I refuse to let it stop me. It may slow me down at times but it won’t stop me. I am different, just like everyone else. We all have this tiny part of ourselves that is intrinsic to who we are. This is mine. I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for that. 

I have had many ‘what the fuck was that was that’ moments in my life. Most pertain to my health but a fair few relate to motherhood I must admit. I need to change these moments into something else, something better but am afraid of my new brain messing things up. I am shy naturally and find myself retreating behind that at times but I have to force myself to move forward, to speak and to listen, to be involved. I may be different from the woman I use to know but there is nothing saying the new me has to be a silent and indifferent me. I can be whatever I want to be.

Check out my new site where you can read all my blog posts and learn a little about medical cannabis. I am looking for feedback and constructive criticism.

https://whatthefuckwasthat.com/blog/f/my-broken-brain