My Brain Doesn’t Understand Me

Understanding how emotions are made makes me less catastrophic

There’s something wrong with my life. I need to change everything. I’m never going to be any good at this. I’m a failure. Why am I even bothering? Nobody takes me seriously. I feel this big hole in my world. What’s wrong with me?

A lifetime log of my self-sabotaging statements.

This is not a plea for violins and a pity party. I could easily show you another log packed with scrumptiously joyful affirmations and curiosity-infused musings.

But sometimes joy, inspiration and growth are held back by our self-squashing thoughts.

We think, we feel we act.

But it isn’t quite as simple as allocating the thinking and feeling to the brain and the action to the body. Brain and body are co-stars in this drama. They are co-conspirators. They are working as a team and I’m part of that team!

It seems obvious that my brain is inexorably intertwined with my body. My brain is not pulsating in a glass jar on my bedside table; it’s right there at the top of me and my vast network of body connections.

Obvious yes — but we don’t always go down the obvious road when it comes to feelings.

We frequently fail to do the forensics on our feelings because we are too wrapped up in feeling!

Feelings were full-on in my teens. Normal.

The agony of love was real.

My favourite self-indulgent misery hobby was listening to a record (7" single) on repeat. The song was ‘Feelings’ by Maurice Albert.

This was a 1974 yearning ballad about the sorrow and longing of lost love.

Feelings Nothing more than feelings Trying to forget my Feelings of love Teardrops Rolling down on my face Trying to forget my Feelings of love

And if that didn’t hit the mark I would turn to Diana Ross and ‘You Are Everything’. Similar theme.

I swooned and mooned awash with feeling.

In reality — nothing that bad had happened. I had an unreciprocated crush on a boy who looked like Davy Jones of the Monkees. I was miserable and … would never find a love like this again— ever.

All the while, the wet walnut imprisoned in the dark confines of my skull was oblivious to the Monkees or the minutiae of my love angst. It was working on a more basic level and zapping signals to my body, which was zapping signals to my brain.

Body: Tears, knot in stomach, heavy head, low energy.

Brain: Something is wrong. Survival instinct. Protect. Put body into energy-saving mode — slow everything down. No — still picking up danger signals — prepare body to fight or run away.

This is how humans work, and it applies to more than teenage angst.

Fast forward from the unrequited love scenario to a more recent example of emotional flooding.

I was at the climbing wall.

There are days when my mojo is firing on all cylinders and whether I climb well or not, I am up for the challenge and put it all down to experience. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again attitude.

This was not one of those days.

I was trying a hard route and it wasn’t going well.

I came back down to the ground, started to untie my rope and felt a knot in my stomach and a welling up of tears.

Garbled expressions of anger, frustration and self-loathing started to tumble from my mouth.

Body: Tears, knot in stomach, heavy head, low energy.

Brain: Something is wrong. Survival instinct. Protect. Put body into energy-saving mode — slow everything down. No — still picking up danger signals — prepare body to fight or run away.

My brain was working with my body and doing what it is designed for?—?trying to ensure my survival.

But it clearly didn’t understand me! It wasn’t about survival, it was about feeling useless. It was about impostor syndrome and feeling like the kid coming last on sports day. It was complex.

What is the matter with you Brain? Can’t you see the problem? Help!

I was endowing my brain with powers it doesn’t possess.

Once I understood more about my brain’s part in emotion creation — I was able to adjust the signals that it was receiving. I was able to calm things down.

Lisa Feldman Barrett’s excellent book ‘How Emotions Are Made’, helped me get my head around the way my body, brain and emotions worked.

I had found a reassuringly calm explanation for my dramatic feeling frenzies.

My life was not rushing headlong toward an existential crisis because I didn’t climb the route well. I was just tired or possibly fighting off a low-grade infection.

As Lisa reminds us —

When you feel bad, treat yourself like you have a virus, rather than assuming that your unpleasant feelings mean something personal. Your feelings might just be noise. You might just need some sleep.

No drama.

Lisa has helped me breathe through these moments of intense overreaction and press pause before making rash decisions or taking over-the-top action.

I don’t deny the feeling, I debate with it.

Is it tiredness? Am I overwhelmed by the environment? Am I still weirded out by the dream I had last night? Is global politics involved? Is there a baggage-based bodily response based on an echo from the past?

By taking his quick audit, I changed the script just enough to avoid the survival instinct kicking in. I breathe. I might even laugh or smile.

Drama over.

I will end with another thought-provoking quote from Lisa’s book.

Whether you’re a generally calm person, floating, unperturbed in a stream of tranquility, unaffected by the vicissitudes of life; a more reactive person awash in a river of agony and ecstasy, easily moved by every little change in your surroundings; or somewhere in between… you’re not at the mercy of emotions that arise unbidden to control your behaviour. You are an architect of these experiences. Your river of feelings might feel like it’s flowing over you but actually you’re the river’s source.

Explore ‘How Emotions are Made’ by Lisa Feldman Barrett by heading over to the glorious rabbit hole that is ‘The Marginalian’.

This story was orignially published in 'Clear Yo Mind' - a Medium publication.

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