My Battle With Alcohol

I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to work out how to start this post. I guess at the beginning would be a good place to begin. My friends say I am an exceptionally private person, so when I began to open up to them about my issues with alcohol and my mental health it came as a shock.

As I celebrate my first year of sobriety, I felt it was right to mark this milestone as well as sharing some of the things I've learnt and observed along the way. 

I spent far too much of my younger days capitalizing on the nightlife scene; everyone knows that the drinking culture in the UK is particularly reckless. I would be out until the early mornings and think nothing of it. I'd be drunk, reckless in my actions and careless of others. I was unaware of the toxic downward spiral that I was on because it was seen as the norm. Hangovers were worn like a badge of honor after nights out and we laughed about the terrible things we said and did. And then there were the stories we posted online that we later regretted and the obscene amount of money we wasted. Alcohol, for most of us, is intimately woven into the fabric of our social interactions. Whether we’re at home, at work, or on a date, a glass of wine or a cold one is the universal code for “let’s connect.”

And we humans are “hardwired for connection,” with study after study now showing that the quality of our relationships is by far the greatest predictor of overall happiness. They also show that “we are profoundly shaped by our social environment" and we suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed.

 Shame stems from the belief that “there is something wrong with me.”

Alcohol provides the temporary illusion of belonging and relief from feelings of shame.

Because of alcohol’s addictive nature, using it regularly inevitably leads to alcohol dependence.

Chronic alcohol dependence is termed a “disease.”

Identifying myself as “diseased” means “there is something wrong with me.”

I feel a new kind of shame, also tinged with the fear that this disease is eventually going to kill me.

Alcohol provides temporary relief from these new feelings of fear-tinged shame. I become further dependent on alcohol. I am more deeply diseased. I feel more shame.

And so on. In his TED Talk, Johann Hari says that “a core part of addiction . . . is about not being able to bear to be present in your life.” Which also prompts the question: To what extent does our addiction to comfort reflect our inability or unwillingness to bear confronting the answers to these questions, and more?

Unfortunately for me, alcohol became part of my everyday life back in 2019 when I was battling with my mental health. I became a recluse, reluctant to go out and alcohol seemed like my best friend at the time. One thing I was unaware of then was the fact that alcohol is a depressant, so instead of making me feel better - I felt a million times worse. My weight ballooned and my moods plummeted. It wasn't helped by the fact that I was directly working with three alcohol brands at the time. I came to a cross roads where I could carry on down the downward spiral that was costing me relationships, friends as well as taking a toll on my physical and mental health or, make a change for the better. 

Once I started to open up to people around me, it was astonishing just how many people were battling with their own mental health. Those in the entertainment industry, sports, music, public eye, are not immune from these issues. I will never forget trying to tell one of my close friends at the time about the issues that I was dealing with and he dismissed them saying "your issues aren't real issues." When you appear to have it all to the outside world, what is going on internally does come as a shock. People do wonder what on earth you have to be upset about, it's a very delicate topic and we can't ever dismiss the issues that people may be going through. 

I ended up going through an extensive period of rehabilitation and therapy. It was extremely difficult but it equipped me with the tools to make a change to my life. Fast forwarding a year since I made the difficult yet essential decision to change my life, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't gone through bumps where I crave/miss alcohol. However I know that by making these decisions - I am not only the healthiest I've ever been, but more motivated than ever to continue to help more people in making a decision to lead a more healthy life. 

Being sober has many benefits now:

• Experiencing regular, deep, properly restorative sleep
• Having improved digestion
• Having clear skin
• Feeling loads more confident
• Being way more productive
• Feeling less anxious
• Experiencing more optimism, energy, and excitement about life in general
• Being at massively lower risk of developing multiple chronic diseases
• Wanting to help others more
• Saving a bunch of money
• Sleeping only with people you really want to sleep with

Remember, A habit is very hard to get rid of. Take away the “H” and you still have “a bit.” Take away the “A” and you still have “bit.” Take away the “B” and you still have “it”!