My Baby Loss Experience - A Dad's Perspective

TRIGGER WARNING: This article discusses the topic of baby loss.

Today marks the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week for 2021.??A topic that is?very close?to my heart?after losing my daughters Mia and Clara.?

I wanted to share my story to help others speak out against a subject that is often taboo.?

Back in 2015, my wife and I found out we were expecting identical twin girls and to be honest?this news?was met with a mixture of fear,?shock,?and excitement?as this was our first pregnancy.?All was fine?until the?18-week?scan?where we were told they wanted to refer us?a specialist?the next day to check for?suspected?Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), something which affects between 5% to 15% of identical twin pregnancies.???

The next day and the days after were what can only be described as a blur.?The specialist?confirmed?our fears, and we were given an appointment at St George’s Hospital in London for lunchtime that same day.?On our arrival, we were met by the lead of?Fetal?medicine and his team and were told of their intention to perform a Laser Ablation procedure that afternoon.?This left us to?make a decision?life changing decision on behalf of our daughters, one that has been?very difficult?to live with, but with an 80% success rate?it felt like the obvious choice to make to give our girls the best chance.???

Having had the procedure, the next stage was to wait to see if it had been successful, my wife was put on a ward to be?monitored?at the hospital, and I was left to go and check in to the hotel I should have been staying in for work.?Not having packed a bag and only having the clothes on my back, I managed to?grab some essentials?at the shops?then off I went to the hotel?with just my shopping bag full of clothes, for one of the loneliest?and?most?anxious?nights of my life.?

The next day, we found out the procedure appeared to?have?worked, which?allowed us some?hope that we were going to be on the right side of the statistics,??both girls had a heartbeat and they appeared to be getting stronger.?Thinking we may be able to head back home, we were told they wanted to keep my wife in for further?monitoring.??This meant another night away from my wife and my daughters, but with no hotel?this time to go to, one of my relatives offered me a bed for the night.?The following day, I again spent time with my wife, and we started to talk about baby names, the consultants mentioned that they would like to consider a couple of options but would prefer to?monitor?over the weekend before they made their decision.??

An ounce of hope crept in and allowed me to reassure my wife that it was going to be ok, however as I was going to leave for the night my wife went into?septic shock.??Trying to not let panic kick in, I rushed to get a nurse?to come to her?assistance.?The next few hours, I can only describe it as felt like an out-of-body experience and hours seemed to pass in seconds?as doctors and midwives?attempted?to save my wife’s life.?I felt completely helpless.?We were told that?at 19-weeks'?gestation?our girls would not survive and would have to be delivered.??

Our girls,?Mia?and Clara, were born on the 28th of November 2015, a day which will always be etched on my heart,?and?two little girls who will always be?part of our family.???

I?don’t?believe you ever come to terms with losing a child or children at any stage, it affects you for?life, as my wife puts?it?“you move forwards with grief,?not?move?on”.?It has taken me time to realize this myself and led me to some of the darkest places, severely affecting my mental health, my physical health, my career, and my finances.???

The days, weeks, months, and years after we lost Mia and Clara?have made me and continue to?make?me question?important?decisions. My?daughters have?impacted?my life and changed me as a person.???

Unfortunately, my employers were not supportive?around the time of the loss where they treated my loss as a formality and even an inconvenience at points, not as one of the toughest life events anyone could face.?As a result,?when looking at potential employers?I now look at the values of the organization in more detail, rather than the pay.??I ask myself?when looking at a role, how they would treat you, did they?allow a?good work-life balance???The loss of Mia and Clara?resulted in a loss of?confidence,?drive and enthusiasm for work.?Over time these have?recovered but?remain areas?of vulnerability.?

Mental health?wise,?I buried my head for some time,?pushing?down my grief, I?didn’t?feel I could talk about it as it?wasn’t?the thing that men did.?We were meant to be the strong ones for our families,?it was what was projected onto me, whether consciously or subconsciously.?It's?what society has always implied.?This stigma is?slowly?being?challenged?through various campaigns across?social?media and has been more prominent than ever with the COVID pandemic?highlighting to everyone?that,?It’s?Ok to not be Ok.?

I realise in hindsight that?the impact?of?the loss had on my mental?health and?how this?rippled through other areas of my life.?In an effort?to?put some joy in our lives in those dark times?we spent money we?couldn’t?afford?to keep us busy or to give us a?moments of?distraction.?I made decisions to do things, which?on?reflection?were purely?idiotic,?I?clearly?was not in the right mindset.??I lived with the burden of getting into a financial mess,?not knowing where to turn and not knowing who I could talk to in fear of being judged.?This financial backpack exists and?it's?now on my family's back rather than mine,?it?is a heavy weight to carry.?We will get rid of it over time, but still a reminder of the poor decisions I made for our family.?

Recently I have started to work as a Trustee for a local charity, Towards Tomorrow Together, they?provide?support for parents, families, and professionals around baby loss, whether this is through support groups or complementary therapies, or doula support.?The charity has touched a passionate spot for me, and I feel?honoured?to support them by giving some of my time?and?expertise,?and most of all being an advocate for the partners.?

In summary, the loss of a child or children at any stage of life is something that affects every aspect of?a person and their?family’s?life,?it’s?something that will stick with you throughout your life.?Every family is different and will want to remember their child and/or children in?a different way, so talk to them and ask them or just simply acknowledge their child’s/children’s name.??

As today (15th October 2021) is the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week, the Wave of Light campaign will see families across the globe light a candle at 7 pm (Local time) to remember and acknowledge all the babies that have died too soon.??So please join us and light a candle for an hour at 7 pm (Local time) in their memory.?